Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Shaken not Stirred

A Martini is eithor vodka or gin with or without vermouth in the proper coctail glass garnished with eithor an olive, onion or twist. Vermouth may be sweet or dry which imparts differing tastes to the alcohol involved. There is no fucking such thing as a Chocolate Martini!!! I don't care what you see on the bar menu. What you are ordering is a Chocolate Coctail. That goes double for all the other made up flavor pairings. Cucumber and Flan Martini??? Not a real Martini!!! IT IS A COCTAIL!

And another thing, if you need a list of what kinds of drinks to order when you sit down at the bar you don't belong in a bar. Leave the drinking to the professionals. And for godsakes, don't go out on the two amature nights, New Years Eve and Saint Patty's Day.


Anonymous Daren said...

"If you need a list of what kinds of drinks to order when you sit down at the bar you don't belong in a bar."

We will, of course, exempt any drinkers in bars that provide a printed list of the 112 beers they keep on tap.

Dec 14, 2005, 1:11:00 PM  
Blogger Dean ASC said...

Well yes that's an extreme case. Much like being handed a wine list which is still a very acceptable practice and in fact failure to do so will result in a much diminshed tip from me. However I do not want a list of coctails that highlight the esoterically flavored liquers that the bar wants to sell. There's a reason why those alcohols aren't kept in the speed rack. People don't wake up and think, mmm I'd like a mango and boysenberry martini. If that's what they're looking for in life then they should get the fuck out of my bar, put down that goddamned man purse, shave their vaginas and go to the gay club down the street.

Dec 14, 2005, 1:35:00 PM  
Blogger TommyOkktane said...

I'd like to be forewarned if the bar I'm drinking at considers Jameson a top-shelf whisky. Other than that, a cocktail/liquer menu serves no purpose.

Also: Is it permissible not to tip a sommelier if he suggests a terrible pairing? I feel bad stiffing the guy, but it's his job to know these things.

Dec 16, 2005, 8:06:00 PM  
Blogger Dean ASC said...

My only bad experience with a sommelier was ordering a desert wine against her better judgement. The particular wine sounded so good but clashed with our desert so terribly that we couldn't finish the 500ml bottle. My fault entirely. I should have trusted her.

As for when the mistake is theirs, I would think that at some point someone in the wait staff should have asked if everything was to your satisfaction and given you the chance to vent your disagreement. Failing that then yes you are within your rights to educate the staff with your gratuity.

I like Jamesons but agree it has no business being the houses 'premium' wiskey.

Dec 18, 2005, 1:39:00 PM  
Blogger Kevin Wolf said...

A good bar - genuinely good - is more rare than most people think. That's not a good sign...

Dec 18, 2005, 4:41:00 PM  
Blogger Dean ASC said...

A good bar... Let's ponder what that means. For generations of New Englanders it was a faceless building with tiny windows placed up high. There was a long bar and a couple booths in a very dark room. You could drink in anymity or chat with the bartender. Very much like Moes Tavern. Then Cheers made the "fern bar" popular. Big open rooms full of brighly lit people telling stories surrounded by brass and houseplants. Now it's a hybrid of the two with kitchy things and high stools, picture windows and a 'bar menu'. At least that's the current trend in bars. In Massachusetts they're all connected to a resturaunt. There are few stand alone bars left. Almost all of them have some pretense toward a kitchen. So I leave it up to the reader as a thought experiment. Close your eyes and imagine the perfect bar. Unlike heaven where we all imagine clouds and angels the idea of the perfect bar is unique for every patron.

Dec 19, 2005, 10:48:00 AM  
Anonymous Daren Follweiler said...

"Daddy, this place smells like tinkle." "Mmm-hmmm. I think we'll just go to the Texas Cheesecake Depository."

I must say that one thing I do like about the upscaling of bars from dark dives to having big French windows (open to the street in summer) is that it shows a positive societal permissiveness and acceptance of public drinking. The old-style nearly windowless bars sent the message "We've got to shield your eyes from all the brawls, vomiting, prostitution and cockfights going on in here." The new version with all that glass says "Look at all these people being social and enjoying themselves! It sure looks like fun. Wouldn't you like to join them?"

"But the dank, Moe -- the dank."

Dec 19, 2005, 4:15:00 PM  
Anonymous daren said...

Goddamn auto-complete fields. I try to take my last name out, and it puts it back in.

Dec 19, 2005, 4:17:00 PM  

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