Monday, March 13, 2006

Thank You, Chuck Norris

If you’re reading this, you’ve got an internet connection (or some friend thought it was so cool they printed it out and handed it to you.) You can’t swing a dead cat around the internet without hitting some cliché turned meme stuck firmly in our electronic zeitgeist. My latest favorite is the ‘Legend of Chuck Norris’. Chuck Norris doesn’t do push-ups he stays flat and pushes the world down. Funny stuff. It reminds me of Will Ferrel on Saturday Night Live drinking and toasting to another legend, Bill Brasky. Bill Brasky hated Mexicans and he was half Mexican and he hated irony.

Can you identify whether the following statements describe Chuck Norris or Bill Brasky?

1 ___________ once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!

2 ___________ is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

3 ___________ counted to infinity – twice.

4 ___________ wears a live rattlesnake as a condom."

5 If you drop a phonograph needle on ________’s nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.

6 ___________ is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

7 ___________ drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

8 Did I ever tell you about the time ________ was in a production of, 'The King & I?' On opening night, ________ chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews."

9 ___________ doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

10 ___________ does not sleep. He waits.

11 ___________ sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal when it came to that."

12 I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury.

13 Did I ever tell you about the time _______ went hunting? _______ decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for their lives...except Fleagle.

14 When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for ________.

15 It was the sight of _______ naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane."

16 _______ doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

17 ________ once breast-fed a flamingo back to health.

18 ________ sweats Gatorade.

19 _______ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

20 _______ can slam a revolving door.

21 _______ drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin.

22 He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran ________.



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