Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Another Installment Of...

Dean Rules! Answers Letters To Dear Abby!!!

Check out the last letter from FRUSTRATED IN BERKELEY.

Dear Frustrated,

You don't tell us how old your brother is. Nor do you tell us who he is. He could be 6 and a total hippy-spawned nobody like you. Conversely, he could be in his 30's and an A&R Guy for Alternative Tenticles Records and simply doesn't think you have what it takes to make it in the biz. Trust me he's doing you a favor. I've heard your singing and it sounds to me as if Huey Lewis was being gang raped by Jello Biafra and Gracie Slick while MC Hammer tries to fix the rip down the crack of his clown pants with a Handy Stitch. Trust me that sound didn't work out for this guy*, what makes you think you can pull it off?

I mean really, let's face it. In these days of Go-Go entertainment where singers like Britney, Christina and the immensley talented virtuoso we all know as Jo-Jo signed in their teens and saw their careers peak before they could even legally buy the Crystal they were washing their "medication" down with... I'm afraid at 7 years of age, you're already too old for the meat grinder of Pop Music. It would take day's to properly record an album and promote you as the newest youngest sound. There would be no time for the label to recoup it's marketing costs before it drops you for some 6 year old with a better attitude, more telegenic face, bigger boobies and higher Q rating.

Your brother is only trying to do you a favor. Remember, the world needs telemarketers, IT help desk drones who can stick to the script and girls with big boobs who go up to lonely guys in bars with a tray of dollar shots. That's where your future lies. Give up the dream of becoming a singer now while you're young enough to bounce back from when the world eventually grinds you down.

Dean Rules!

* Just kidding, that sound did actually work out for him. I hope he has a good sense of humor and doesn't take me to court.

2 Comments:

Blogger TommyOkktane said...

The People's Court?

Jul 18, 2006, 1:54:00 PM  
Blogger RicketyFunk said...

No, that's another story.

Jul 18, 2006, 2:12:00 PM  

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