Friday, March 24, 2006

Just Like In Friday The 13th

Robin Williams and Harrison Ford should do a movie together. They’re far too old to be in a buddy cop movie or action comedy. They’d probably end up in a taut political thriller. What I’d really like to see is a science fiction Agatha Christy mystery. You know the kind where a bunch of strangers are called to a big house and someone kills them one by one.

Imagine a future where we’re all finally Lojacked with brain chips that record our lives. Not unlike this piece of crap. Some crazy uncle dies and at his inquest reveals that he was murdered. His memory has been downloaded but it’s encrypted. It’s up to his nieces and nephews to spend the weekend trying to guess the unlock code so they can download the memories of who the killer is. The one who does inherits it all but if no one does before the end of the weekend it goes to his butler. The uncle wanted his fortune to go the one relative who actually loved him but if no one loves him his caregiver should have his estate. As an added twist the lawyers will only allow the code to be tried once. The whole thing takes place in some wood paneled Victorian estate on some island with really crappy cell phone reception. (Cause you got to explain why no one bothers to pull out their Nokia when the first guy gets killed.)

One by one, the killer who doesn’t want to get caught, will kill the guests while everyone is greedily sneaking off alone to find clues to the code. One person is flipping through every book in the library, she can get tied to the stack ladder and flayed open with a switchblade lightsaber stilleto. Another guy is in the study trying to hack into the old mans computer, which for some reason doesn’t have Internet, and he’s killed using the computer in some way that we haven’t seen before. Someone will go down to a big classic sloop to look in the ships log for hints. Their feet are tied to the deck and arms are tied to the mainsheet while the killer winches in the slack to stretch them to death. There will be the obligatory couple, a nephew and his gold digging wife who will rummage through trunks in an attic, she’s killed with a laser crossbow and he’s locked in a trunk with a nanotech bug bomb that unzips every cell in his body and turns him into grey goo. One guy will go into the media room and start watching home movies, he’s killed in a way that reveals the killer and alerts the last relative to a struggle. The last niece comes in right as one of the movies shows the uncle singing at her 8th birthday.

The code will end up being some song that the uncle used to sing to the kids when they were children. This will be revealed at the beginning so there’s no surprise at the end, it will be the same footage from the party in the video playing when the niece meets the killer. As it turns out the one who does love him was the adopted niece because the family are all assholes. When the niece figures it out she’s promptly killed and the murderer gets all the money. I’m sick of corny, happy, Hollywood endings.

As some of the nieces and nephews I think the following would be a fun cast:

Jennifer Beals (in the library)
Henry Rollins (acting nerdy, he’s computer guy)
Jake Gyllenhaal (perfect for the boat scene)
Tia Carrere and Tim Roth (the couple)
Brandy Norwood (as the niece who figures it out, although she might be too young for this cast)

I see Harrison Ford as the uncle and Robin Williams as the butler/murderer.


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