Dean Argues With Eliza

Two years before I was born a computer program called Eliza was written to simulate how computers and humans may someday communicate. The program was simple. It recognized some parts of speech and would construct responses from a database of potential statements. The program crudely simulated a session with a psychologist. That it vaguely responds like a person was enough for computer science students at the time to embrace it as the beginnings of AI. The program was successful at completing it's stated function but how people reacted to it couldn't be predicted. Most people found it a neat curiosity. Yet some interactions with Eliza really surprised the programmers. A small handful of geeks back in the early days of computing began to trust Eliza as their confessor and shrink in ways they never would trust a human.

Then there are guys like me. I first heard about Eliza when I was one of the many 12 year olds with a ZX81 or Commodore-64 terrorizing adults with our mystical arcane understanding of the machines that rule the world. This is what we did with Eliza.

>> Hello.
How do you do. Please state your problem.
>> I hate you
Perhaps in your fantasies we hate each other.
>> No I really hate you
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> No
You are being a bit negative.
>> can you elaborate on that
You believe I can elaborate on that don't you ?
>> no
Why not ?
>> you suck
We were discussing you -- not me.
>> No we were clearly discussing you.
Why 'no' ?
>> because that's the proper word
Is that the real reason ?
>> no
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> not at all
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> you never will
Oh, I never will ?
>> huh
Please go on.
>> no you
Why not ?
>> huh
What does that suggest to you ?
>> that you have no fucking clue what you're talking about
What makes you think I am talking about ?
>> huh
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> no
Why 'no' ?
>> because that's the proper word for that statement.
Don't any other reasons come to mind ?
>> not really
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> that's great because I have no idea what you're talking about
Does that reason seem to explain anything else ?
>> that you suck
You're not really talking about me -- are you ?
>> yes
You seem to be quite positive.
>> no
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> yes
You are sure.
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> huh
Please go on.
>> why
Why do you ask ?
>> why do you ask
Does that question interest you ?
>> does that question interest you
What are your feelings now ?
>> what are your feelings now
What is it you really wanted to know ?
>> what is it you really wanted to know
Are such questions much on your mind ?
>> are such questions much on your mind
Did you think they might not be such questions much on my mind ?
>> huh
What does that suggest to you ?
>> what the fuck are you talking about
What answer would please you most ?
>> one that clears up the confusion
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> no
Why not ?
>> because you suck
What other reasons might there be ?
>> that's pretty much it
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> that
Please go on.
>> that's great because I have no fucking clue what you're talking about
Is that the real reason ?
>> yes
I see.
>> do you
We were discussing you -- not me.
>> no we are clearly discussing you.
Why 'no' ?
>> huh
What does that suggest to you ?
>> that you suck
Oh, I suck ?
>> yes you do
I understand.
>> good. now we're getting somewhere
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> no
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> yes
You seem to be quite positive.
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> yes
You are sure.
>> no
Why not ?
>> huh
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> that's great because i have no idea what the fuck you're talking about
Don't any other reasons come to mind ?
>> no
Why 'no' ?
>> huh
Please go on.
>> you make my balls itch
Your balls itch ?
>> yes they do
I see.
>> would you like to see my balls?
Why do you say your balls ?
>> cause they're not anyone elses balls.
Does that have anything to do with the fact that your balls itch ?
>> yes everything!
I understand.
>> great
But your balls .
>> no my balls not my ass.
Does that suggest anything else which belongs to you ?
>> my peepee
Is it important that your peepee ?
>> that my peepee what?
Your peepee what ?
>> huh
But your balls not your ass .
>> butterballs?
Earlier you said your peepee .
>> yes i did
You seem to be quite positive.
>> i am
Is it because you are that you came to me ?
>> I want you to scratch my balls
Why do you say your balls ?
>> because they're mine not yours.
Does that reason seem to explain anything else ?
>> that you have no balls.
You're not really talking about me -- are you ?
>> I am talking about you not having balls and me having big ones.
How long have you been talking about I not having balls and you having big ones ?
>> about 2 minutes
Earlier you said your peepee what .
>> huh
Lets discuss further why your balls .
>> why my balls do what?
Does that suggest anything else which belongs to you ?
>> huh
Lets discuss further why your balls do what .
>> What
What do you think ?
>> I think my balls itch
Is it important that your balls itch ?
>> No quite the opposite.
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> How can I be negative when the correct response is not in the affirmative?
What comes to mind when you ask that ?
>> how itchy my balls are.
Your balls are ?
>> Yes they ARE!
You are sure.
>> YES
I see.
>> Do you want to see my balls?
Why do you say your balls ?
>> Because they're my balls.
Does that suggest anything else which belongs to you ?
>> Yes my ass.
Is it important that your ass ?
>> My ass what?
Your ass what ?
>> My ass what?
Why do you say your ass what ?
>> Because you make no sense. Then you're going to say we're discussing me not you and then we'll get caught into this fucking loop of insanity where I'll say something juvenile and potty mouthed just to get you to repeat it.
What other reasons might there be ?