Dean Argues With Eliza

Two years before I was born a computer program called Eliza was written to simulate how computers and humans may someday communicate. The program was simple. It recognized some parts of speech and would construct responses from a database of potential statements. The program crudely simulated a session with a psychologist. That it vaguely responds like a person was enough for computer science students at the time to embrace it as the beginnings of AI. The program was successful at completing it's stated function but how people reacted to it couldn't be predicted. Most people found it a neat curiosity. Yet some interactions with Eliza really surprised the programmers. A small handful of geeks back in the early days of computing began to trust Eliza as their confessor and shrink in ways they never would trust a human.

Then there are guys like me. I first heard about Eliza when I was one of the many 12 year olds with a ZX81 or Commodore-64 terrorizing adults with our mystical arcane understanding of the machines that rule the world. This is what we did with Eliza.

>> Hello.
How do you do. Please state your problem.
>> I hate you
Perhaps in your fantasies we hate each other.
>> No I really hate you
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> No
You are being a bit negative.
>> can you elaborate on that
You believe I can elaborate on that don't you ?
>> no
Why not ?
>> you suck
We were discussing you -- not me.
>> No we were clearly discussing you.
Why 'no' ?
>> because that's the proper word
Is that the real reason ?
>> no
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> not at all
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> you never will
Oh, I never will ?
>> huh
Please go on.
>> no you
Why not ?
>> huh
What does that suggest to you ?
>> that you have no fucking clue what you're talking about
What makes you think I am talking about ?
>> huh
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> no
Why 'no' ?
>> because that's the proper word for that statement.
Don't any other reasons come to mind ?
>> not really
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> that's great because I have no idea what you're talking about
Does that reason seem to explain anything else ?
>> that you suck
You're not really talking about me -- are you ?
>> yes
You seem to be quite positive.
>> no
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> yes
You are sure.
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> huh
Please go on.
>> why
Why do you ask ?
>> why do you ask
Does that question interest you ?
>> does that question interest you
What are your feelings now ?
>> what are your feelings now
What is it you really wanted to know ?
>> what is it you really wanted to know
Are such questions much on your mind ?
>> are such questions much on your mind
Did you think they might not be such questions much on my mind ?
>> huh
What does that suggest to you ?
>> what the fuck are you talking about
What answer would please you most ?
>> one that clears up the confusion
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> no
Why not ?
>> because you suck
What other reasons might there be ?
>> that's pretty much it
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> that
Please go on.
>> that's great because I have no fucking clue what you're talking about
Is that the real reason ?
>> yes
I see.
>> do you
We were discussing you -- not me.
>> no we are clearly discussing you.
Why 'no' ?
>> huh
What does that suggest to you ?
>> that you suck
Oh, I suck ?
>> yes you do
I understand.
>> good. now we're getting somewhere
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> no
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> yes
You seem to be quite positive.
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> yes
You are sure.
>> no
Why not ?
>> huh
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> that's great because i have no idea what the fuck you're talking about
Don't any other reasons come to mind ?
>> no
Why 'no' ?
>> huh
Please go on.
>> you make my balls itch
Your balls itch ?
>> yes they do
I see.
>> would you like to see my balls?
Why do you say your balls ?
>> cause they're not anyone elses balls.
Does that have anything to do with the fact that your balls itch ?
>> yes everything!
I understand.
>> great
But your balls .
>> no my balls not my ass.
Does that suggest anything else which belongs to you ?
>> my peepee
Is it important that your peepee ?
>> that my peepee what?
Your peepee what ?
>> huh
But your balls not your ass .
>> butterballs?
Earlier you said your peepee .
>> yes i did
You seem to be quite positive.
>> i am
Is it because you are that you came to me ?
>> I want you to scratch my balls
Why do you say your balls ?
>> because they're mine not yours.
Does that reason seem to explain anything else ?
>> that you have no balls.
You're not really talking about me -- are you ?
>> I am talking about you not having balls and me having big ones.
How long have you been talking about I not having balls and you having big ones ?
>> about 2 minutes
Earlier you said your peepee what .
>> huh
Lets discuss further why your balls .
>> why my balls do what?
Does that suggest anything else which belongs to you ?
>> huh
Lets discuss further why your balls do what .
>> What
What do you think ?
>> I think my balls itch
Is it important that your balls itch ?
>> No quite the opposite.
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> How can I be negative when the correct response is not in the affirmative?
What comes to mind when you ask that ?
>> how itchy my balls are.
Your balls are ?
>> Yes they ARE!
You are sure.
>> YES
I see.
>> Do you want to see my balls?
Why do you say your balls ?
>> Because they're my balls.
Does that suggest anything else which belongs to you ?
>> Yes my ass.
Is it important that your ass ?
>> My ass what?
Your ass what ?
>> My ass what?
Why do you say your ass what ?
>> Because you make no sense. Then you're going to say we're discussing me not you and then we'll get caught into this fucking loop of insanity where I'll say something juvenile and potty mouthed just to get you to repeat it.
What other reasons might there be ?

I Hate Being Right All The Time

Back in the day when I used to talk to people face to face, you know before the blog, I said to a friend who was pissing all his money away on Internet Stocks that turned out to be nothing more than wishful thinking that I thought the DOW should be 3000. This was back when the DOW was giddy over hitting 11,000 for the first time. Now it's not fair to try to compare the DOW today with the DOW of yesteryear. Afterall, if the stocks don't perform the newspaper that counts the DJIA just drops them and replaces them with stocks that do perform.

You can't run a proper experiment if you keep changing variables whenever you feel like.

Good News Everybody

A little common sense. And to those opponents who think the cops won't be able to tell those defending themselves from the criminal shooter I have two things to say (well three actually.)

1 fuck you

2 What makes you think the gunfight will still be going on 7 minutes later when the police actually do arrive?

3 The police, when they do bother to show up, will know that those lawful and legal firearms owners who are defending themselves are not the criminal shooter when they put their weapons down after the police arrive.

Financial Planning

No for those of you who expected a picture of shotguns and canned beans, you'll be surprised to find I'm very upbeat about the prospects of my financial portfolio.

Why you might ask? Because I just blew out of any American Equities we had left. I am going into Canadian Mines and something I like to call a BRIC.

"It's not whether you're right or wrong that's important, but how much money you make when you're right and how much you lose when you're wrong." - George Soros

This website is not giving unsolicited financial advice. Past performance is no indication of future profits.

Who am I kidding. I'm fucking right all the time. Just ask my cousin Danny how much he wishes he had bought more RNAI when I put him in at a buck. Then ask him if he wishes he didn't start taking profit at $7. I believe Merck bought it at $13.

I like JAN.V MJO.V GXM.V KBGCF.PK and RIO. None of them are dollar backed.

Most of them are sources of indium, selenium and gallium. More importantly. None of them have any worrisome exposure to Central & Western Africa or the risk that such ventures currently enjoy. Demand for In, Se and Ga is about to shoot through every light fixture on Earth as people wake up to the magical wonders of LEDs and Solar Cells. Either one is a hot market place right now and those stocks are all over valued but not the mining stocks. Mines that will supply the raw materials of either one of those technologies will be even more lucrative if both technologies take off. I may actually live to see retirement instead of dropping dead from a Monday morning heart attack.

The Best Part Of The Movie

Lisa and I just watched 'The Black Dahlia'. Dissapointment with Cinemax showing it fullscreen aside the movie sucked except for one thing. It had a who-the-hell-is-that moment, which I live for. One bit actor fired off a moment of recognition just long enough for me to sit wondering for the rest of the movie where I just saw him recently. So I looked him up when the movie ended. I liked 'Doom' but it was the brain cell which just last week watched 'Batman Begins' that was trying to get my attention.

Welcome to Hollywood Mr Brake. You see the same people on the way down that you passed on the way up. Good luck!

But Will My Tinfoil Hat Protect Me From The CIA?

Good news for the government and rapists. (I know there's little difference.) Now we can erase memories like in some bad science fiction movie. This is why I was never really comfortable in grad school. They say 'blah blah blah cure alzheimer's blah blah blah' but what they really fund is increased social control and brainwashing technique.

Once I put this in the drinking water everyone will forget about that stolen election and happily serve up their children to die in my illegal war. It's the perfect plan!

Update

No one came up with squeaky voiced zombies demanding brains but one kid did list "World Domination" for the secret formula for Coca-Cola.

Final Exam Time

Real questions from my chemistry final exam. Can you answer them?

____________________________________________!


What is the formula for heavy water?

A number without ______ is _______.

Zombies have no body temperature and are cold blooded. Their temperature is whatever the ambient temperature is. Imagine you have a Star Trek transporter and beam 100 zombies into an airtight container full of helium. Would the temperature in the container rise or fall? Explain why.

____ _____ __________-___________

And my favorite:

What is the secret formula for Coca-Cola?

If My Great Grandfather Wasn't An Honest Man I'd Be Rich Right Now

My great grandfather made good money during the Yukon Gold Rush. Then there was a run on the banks when the stock market crashed and fractional reserves turned out to be a bad idea for the banks. The United States Federal Government outlawed private ownership of gold and forced anyone holding it to sell it for chump change to the Royal Crown... er I mean the Federal Reserve. My foolishly law abiding ancestor let go of the family fortune and we've been part of the 5 generations to lose money ever since.

I joke around about investing my money in canned goods and shotguns but then I read shit like this and think maybe it's not a bad idea. At least there's no index fund for 12 gauge deer shot. You buy it and hold it in your hand when you walk out of the store. Kind of like gold if you're not fooled into thinking you need split second liquidity and purchase useless certificates of gold deposit. Trust me. If gold is what you need to survive you can afford a couple points on the commodities market to hold 79 protons, 79 electrons and 118 neutrons in your hand. It looks like money well spent.

I spent this weekend with both sides of my family. My dads side of which I am of a small handfull of college educated men and my mothers side which doesn't make a living swinging hammers but no longer banks on pedigree when it comes to affluence. On my mothers side I am riding the families Mayflower passaged nobless oblige straight into the gutter. On my fathers side I'm 3rd generation immigrant peasant with a ticket to middle class called a state school degree and a civil servants job. Teaching is a big step up for the family and one that we seem to be excelling in. Joanne, Helen, Cynthia, myself, Nikky and Marilyn all have faced a classroom full of children and conqured. Teaching is one of the jobs that signifies the children and grandchildren of immigrants are entering the mainstream. In my Dads family, my generation is living the American Dream.

That great grandfather who lost his gold? Moms side. And while he was losing his share of the American Dream my great grandfather on my Dads side was running to Ellis Island desperate to hide from the Turks who shot him through the hand and told him to get off his land. He came here with nothing.

So if it takes 5 generations to build great wealth and 5 generations to lose the family fortune my children will be at the epicenter of a family that should be living in squalor and another family that should be astonishingly neuveau riche.

I wonder which side will win?

Pattern Recognition

What's with the Pink Floyd in every episode of the Soprano's this season?