Dean Argues With Eliza

Two years before I was born a computer program called Eliza was written to simulate how computers and humans may someday communicate. The program was simple. It recognized some parts of speech and would construct responses from a database of potential statements. The program crudely simulated a session with a psychologist. That it vaguely responds like a person was enough for computer science students at the time to embrace it as the beginnings of AI. The program was successful at completing it's stated function but how people reacted to it couldn't be predicted. Most people found it a neat curiosity. Yet some interactions with Eliza really surprised the programmers. A small handful of geeks back in the early days of computing began to trust Eliza as their confessor and shrink in ways they never would trust a human.

Then there are guys like me. I first heard about Eliza when I was one of the many 12 year olds with a ZX81 or Commodore-64 terrorizing adults with our mystical arcane understanding of the machines that rule the world. This is what we did with Eliza.

>> Hello.
How do you do. Please state your problem.
>> I hate you
Perhaps in your fantasies we hate each other.
>> No I really hate you
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> No
You are being a bit negative.
>> can you elaborate on that
You believe I can elaborate on that don't you ?
>> no
Why not ?
>> you suck
We were discussing you -- not me.
>> No we were clearly discussing you.
Why 'no' ?
>> because that's the proper word
Is that the real reason ?
>> no
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> not at all
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> you never will
Oh, I never will ?
>> huh
Please go on.
>> no you
Why not ?
>> huh
What does that suggest to you ?
>> that you have no fucking clue what you're talking about
What makes you think I am talking about ?
>> huh
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> no
Why 'no' ?
>> because that's the proper word for that statement.
Don't any other reasons come to mind ?
>> not really
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> that's great because I have no idea what you're talking about
Does that reason seem to explain anything else ?
>> that you suck
You're not really talking about me -- are you ?
>> yes
You seem to be quite positive.
>> no
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> yes
You are sure.
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> huh
Please go on.
>> why
Why do you ask ?
>> why do you ask
Does that question interest you ?
>> does that question interest you
What are your feelings now ?
>> what are your feelings now
What is it you really wanted to know ?
>> what is it you really wanted to know
Are such questions much on your mind ?
>> are such questions much on your mind
Did you think they might not be such questions much on my mind ?
>> huh
What does that suggest to you ?
>> what the fuck are you talking about
What answer would please you most ?
>> one that clears up the confusion
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> no
Why not ?
>> because you suck
What other reasons might there be ?
>> that's pretty much it
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> that
Please go on.
>> that's great because I have no fucking clue what you're talking about
Is that the real reason ?
>> yes
I see.
>> do you
We were discussing you -- not me.
>> no we are clearly discussing you.
Why 'no' ?
>> huh
What does that suggest to you ?
>> that you suck
Oh, I suck ?
>> yes you do
I understand.
>> good. now we're getting somewhere
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> no
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> yes
You seem to be quite positive.
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> yes
You are sure.
>> no
Why not ?
>> huh
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> that's great because i have no idea what the fuck you're talking about
Don't any other reasons come to mind ?
>> no
Why 'no' ?
>> huh
Please go on.
>> you make my balls itch
Your balls itch ?
>> yes they do
I see.
>> would you like to see my balls?
Why do you say your balls ?
>> cause they're not anyone elses balls.
Does that have anything to do with the fact that your balls itch ?
>> yes everything!
I understand.
>> great
But your balls .
>> no my balls not my ass.
Does that suggest anything else which belongs to you ?
>> my peepee
Is it important that your peepee ?
>> that my peepee what?
Your peepee what ?
>> huh
But your balls not your ass .
>> butterballs?
Earlier you said your peepee .
>> yes i did
You seem to be quite positive.
>> i am
Is it because you are that you came to me ?
>> I want you to scratch my balls
Why do you say your balls ?
>> because they're mine not yours.
Does that reason seem to explain anything else ?
>> that you have no balls.
You're not really talking about me -- are you ?
>> I am talking about you not having balls and me having big ones.
How long have you been talking about I not having balls and you having big ones ?
>> about 2 minutes
Earlier you said your peepee what .
>> huh
Lets discuss further why your balls .
>> why my balls do what?
Does that suggest anything else which belongs to you ?
>> huh
Lets discuss further why your balls do what .
>> What
What do you think ?
>> I think my balls itch
Is it important that your balls itch ?
>> No quite the opposite.
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> How can I be negative when the correct response is not in the affirmative?
What comes to mind when you ask that ?
>> how itchy my balls are.
Your balls are ?
>> Yes they ARE!
You are sure.
>> YES
I see.
>> Do you want to see my balls?
Why do you say your balls ?
>> Because they're my balls.
Does that suggest anything else which belongs to you ?
>> Yes my ass.
Is it important that your ass ?
>> My ass what?
Your ass what ?
>> My ass what?
Why do you say your ass what ?
>> Because you make no sense. Then you're going to say we're discussing me not you and then we'll get caught into this fucking loop of insanity where I'll say something juvenile and potty mouthed just to get you to repeat it.
What other reasons might there be ?

Where Ya Been?

A word and a number will answer that question.

XBOX 360

I find shooting the people on my buddy list (mostly my students) in the head on Grand Theft Auto 4 to be a far better outlet for my personal issues than blogging. At least it's more satisfying. (especially my students) I especially like stealing a helicopter, jumping out at altitude and then crushing people (again my students) with my corpse as I hit the ground.

So what brought me out of my virtual paradise?

It seems that some one somewhere is trying rile up my generation. These little blips are starting to be epidemic. Each comes just in enough time after the last so that it doesn't seem like we're all just copying each others one thought.

The only other bit of writing I've done is a detailed response to the staggering and appalling errors in my performance review. Perhaps when the dust all settles I can share it with you. Until then you can find me on Xbox Live under "TedKnedysCar".

Questions Only A Generation Xer Ever Asked

Nothing but love from me if you know what I'm talking about. My money is on Zack or Paul getting this one.

They hit me just as hard as I hit them why don't they die too?

A hint in the labels and the answer in the comments section.

Napster

I'm not going to rehash, here, what others have said about online music distribution. I'm not going to get into the legalities of file sharing. What I am going to say is if there is truth to online piracy being an indicator for what is popular than bands have got to come up with uniquely search able names. From my perspective Kiss is going to fall into obscurity real soon. There is no way that "New York Groove" is their biggest hit song but that's the first song that I've been able to find.

If my students are any indication and they usually are, the Google generation rarely clicks on anything but the first couple page ranks.

Call Me

My new phone number for those who want to call me when my computer is online is 011 852 8171 3303. It's a Hong Kong phone number. I'm giving it out to all my business contacts like those credit card weasels who've been selling my name to telemarketers.

You can leave me voice mail when I'm not online.

I love Skype!

Yes, I've Heard

It's a good thing that Mac Users aren't generally stupid enough to enter root passwords just because a box pops up on our screen.

Fuck.

More PC Users are switching to the Mac then ever before.

Someone tell them not to fuck it up for the rest of us!

Part One

I don’t even know where to begin. My weekend has been riding on a high for days now and it’s not even Sunday. I should start from the beginning. Wednesday was parents’ night. I put on a show for 7 minutes and then the bell rings and the parents are ushered into another teacher’s room. I love parents’ night. If I can’t impress the parents in 7 minutes I have no business standing in front of their kids for 90 minutes. At one point during the evening one of the parents said that he really liked my presentation style. I saw a lot of parents nodding their heads at each other. Plus, I was the only teacher who thanked the parents for paying for a new high school.

A little piece of personal trivia that many don’t know is that I teach with Rachel’s mother. I think it’s funny when students find out that Carol and I were friends long before we started teaching together. Many of our colleagues are shocked to learn that I celebrate Christmas Eve with her every year. (My Dads house breaks up around 9pm now that my grandmother isn’t making us wait until midnight to open presents. It leaves me with plenty of time to go over 30 O....)

Wednesday afternoon Carol and Rachel came up to my classroom. I have the last classroom in the building, it really is at the end of the school. When the principal and superintendent come to my floor to spot evaluate us they forget I’m there. I also have the second largest room because I got all the space that was left over. The teacher with the largest room got what he wanted for being the only teacher to actually sit down with the architect. He had to give up his prep room but he got more floor space.

Carol brought Rachel up to see my room before the start of parents’ night. Rachel’s reaction to my classroom is “Oh my god, you really are an adult now.” She’s right to be shocked. How I got to become a pillar of the community is beyond my capacity to understand. I do my teacher on parents night performance for her and she’s impressed.

In all, it was a pretty good night for me.

Thursday night I drove up to the Apple Store in Salem, NH. My 12in PowerBook G4 is dieing. It’s time for a new computer. I was going to get the Black MacBook and upgrade the memory. For about two hundred bucks more I could get the low end MacBook Pro. I really didn’t want to spend the money and I really didn’t want to get something so big. I wish I could get another 12in sub-notebook. I waffled over plain MB or MB Pro for an hour. The store employees thought I was funny going from one computer to the other. In the end I decided that there was enough stress in my life and I didn’t want to learn a new keyboard. I went with the Pro. I saved $600 for being a teacher with iPhone rebates and leaving Taxachusetts.

To be continued…

And it's a fucking great story!

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Weekend of computer issues. Largely self inflicted. Been trying to sync a Sony camera to my Macintosh. No firewire, just USB and it's a Sony so no Macintosh support. VirtualPC works and I can drag the mpeg-2 files to my Mac desktop but I want a more elegant solution. I tried installing WinXP on Lisa's Mac but had issues with BootCamp recognizing the windows install disk. No it wasn't an OEM disk. I know better then that. It was an XP disk that I thought was a full install of the home edition but it wasn't having it.

AT&T amuses the shit out of me. Only carrier to work with the iPhone, which as far as i know is an Apple product, will not sell me DSL service because i use a Macintosh. Looks like i'm stuck with Comcast a while longer.

My 12 inch powerbook is fading on me. It makes me sad. The fluorescent tube grows dimmer every day. I'm just hoping that it survives until the start of the next school year (two weeks.) Then I'm elligable for another MacBook on my teachers discount. What I really want is another submicro notebook like my little aluminum PB G4. The 15in is more than I want to carry around.

Although, the good news is that the new MB will come with iLife which rumor has it has a version of iMovie that now supports DVD cameras through USB. According to this cryptic message from the Apple site my camera will work with the software.

It might just be worth the $300 premium over what I would spend trying to fix my screen, install Leopard and get iLife'08 for Lisa's computer because it still won't work on my G4.

By the way Darren, what I meant to say is 3mm jack not 3/4 inch. It's the little 8th inch jack like on a Walkman. The line out on the iPhone dock will work with a standard mini headphone plug and doesn't need to be connected to the power cable to feed music to regular headphones or in my case a Walkman to RCA addapter into my TV. I'd still like to know if you tried docking it in your iPod speakers.

I know, I'm using my TV to listen to music. I don't have a bitchen stereo with tube preamp and powerline smoother. iSuck.

Does anyone remember the phrase "Don't touch my Dads NADs!"

Got to get ready for school!