A Short List Of Things That Make Me Happy

10 The TV News Anchor fight in Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy.
9 The gunfight in the bar after Quentin Tarentino tells a piss joke in Desperado.
8 Automatic transmissions.
7 Partial credit.
6 Freedom.
5 My first celebrity crush.
6 Trivia.
7 Safety in numbers.
8 Knowing more about math than the rest of you.
9 When cats puff up their tails.
10 Pattern recognition.

When In The Course Of Human Events...

Between TSA thugs and militarized police forces jackbooting around where's the little guy going to go for some liberty? I don't know about that. I do know that we're getting tired of being pushed around. The police haven't learned dick since they got caught doing what they do every day to Rodney King. We're tired of getting fucked with. We're getting desperate for our jobs, or families security and realizing just exactly who is responsible for fucking with us. Cops, you're tools of the man. Since you're not here to protect me stay out of my way. You will say yes sir to me, not the other way around. In fact simply not behaving like criminals or an occupying army will go along way to ensuring your safety. Some of us might be feeling desperate enough to stop taking your shit.

I Don't Know Where To Begin With How Wrong This Picture Is

This picture makes Baby Linus Pauling weep. It's kind of like making Baby Jesus weep except that Linus Pauling wasn't made up. OK, I believe Jesus was a real person but I'm not so certain about that walking on water and infinite catering myth.

The picture is from the TV drama show Eleventh Hour which I haven't watched and probably won't if they can't get their sophomore year organic chemistry straight.

Starting from the top left and reading clockwise, let's analyze this molecule. The two H3C groups are acceptable. They are commonly know as methyl groups and they would hang off that single carbon like that. I'm fine with the carbon with two single bonds to the aforementioned methyl groups. I'm fine that it then has a double bond. I'm not fine with where the double bonds lead to. L is not an abbreviation on the periodic table so I'm thinking that's a capital I. Iodine would have only one bond. It certainly would not have 5 bonds. The carbon just below the iodine should have four bonds not one.
I'm comfortable with everything else until you get to the OH group with a double bond to the second to last carbon. The carbon has four bonds as expected. The oxygen however has three bonds where two would be expected.

Boron (B) should have 3 bonds or be part of a 6 bond co-ordination complex. Either way, it's wrong here. The O has two bonds but then that last carbon is missing either a bond or another hydrogen.

The only excuse for this would be if it's a description of a transition state for a very complex reaction. Otherwise this is just fucked up. Since I don't watch crappy TV which is basically any TV that pauses for a commercial break I haven't seen the full episode and have no idea what's going on in this picture. If I'm wrong in my critique here, let me know.

Buy A Decent Suit, You Can't Come In Here Like This. Go To Morty Sills, Tell Him I Sent You

Yesterday I posted about my new hero in life, Andrew "Fucking!" Lahde.

Meritocracy. Say it out loud with me. MERITOCRACY. I remember when America was one. I was once part of one. Fuck. It's been 13 years. I think GE will let me talk about it now and if they don't want me talking then show me the paperwork and I'll give back the $2000.

Here's something that most people don't know about me. Even people who I grew up with don't really know this about me. For those of my 2 readers who remember me when I was "missing" this is where I was.

Once upon a time I was a young man who barely made it through high school. When kids grow up they dream of running away and joining the circus. I dreamed of running away and joining Hollywood. I ended up missing Hollywood by 3000 miles. Unfortunately for me my family wasted all of it's political potential long before I was born. After knocking around for a couple months after high school I lucked my way into the mail room at the Boston office for a stock brokerage. The company was Kidder, Peabody and Co. Inc. In the interest of brevity I'll simply say it was the last of the old money firms. They let me in the back door through the mail room in 1988. I weathered the Ivan Boesky/Michael Milken insider trading scandal. I was on the floor watching the GNP tick off the charts when the Barbarians pounded down the gates at RJ Reynolds.

I worked hard. I started at $12,000 a year. I doubled it quickly. I got promoted to the sales floor as an assistant broker. I was the last person Kidder, Peabody ever promoted from the mail room to the floor. The sales manager started training me to take the Series 7 exam.

Then this asshole fucked it all up. GE pulled the plug on Kidder and sold out to PaineWebber. PW immediately showed up and generally announced that if you didn't have an MBA you should hit the bricks. I didn't have a college degree. I still don't have an MBA after 26 years of schooling. I'm not stupid. I knew any asshole with a computer and 5 minutes free time could do what I did. I hate being right all the time.

A bunch of dicks with old boy network connections started making wrong decisions. Eventually PW got bought out by UBS. UBS is currently under FBI investigation for tax evasion.

Kidder, Peabody was a meritocracy when I started. Then the Baby Boomers took over when the OLD money retired. But that's a story for another day.

EPILOGUE: I made the front page of The Wall Street Journal October 20, 1995. I'm not the only person I know personally who made the front page but I am the only one who didn't get there as the result of a scandal.

I Have Even Less In Life To Complain About

I have tickets to see The Dead Milkmen play in Philadelphia in 2 weeks. It's an all ages show at the Unitarian Church so I'm going to be all like right next to them.

And I just bought tickets to a secret show on 10/25. It's gonna be an all Dead Milkmen weekend for me and the Mrs!

Dean Argues With Eliza

Two years before I was born a computer program called Eliza was written to simulate how computers and humans may someday communicate. The program was simple. It recognized some parts of speech and would construct responses from a database of potential statements. The program crudely simulated a session with a psychologist. That it vaguely responds like a person was enough for computer science students at the time to embrace it as the beginnings of AI. The program was successful at completing it's stated function but how people reacted to it couldn't be predicted. Most people found it a neat curiosity. Yet some interactions with Eliza really surprised the programmers. A small handful of geeks back in the early days of computing began to trust Eliza as their confessor and shrink in ways they never would trust a human.

Then there are guys like me. I first heard about Eliza when I was one of the many 12 year olds with a ZX81 or Commodore-64 terrorizing adults with our mystical arcane understanding of the machines that rule the world. This is what we did with Eliza.

>> Hello.
How do you do. Please state your problem.
>> I hate you
Perhaps in your fantasies we hate each other.
>> No I really hate you
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> No
You are being a bit negative.
>> can you elaborate on that
You believe I can elaborate on that don't you ?
>> no
Why not ?
>> you suck
We were discussing you -- not me.
>> No we were clearly discussing you.
Why 'no' ?
>> because that's the proper word
Is that the real reason ?
>> no
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> not at all
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> you never will
Oh, I never will ?
>> huh
Please go on.
>> no you
Why not ?
>> huh
What does that suggest to you ?
>> that you have no fucking clue what you're talking about
What makes you think I am talking about ?
>> huh
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> no
Why 'no' ?
>> because that's the proper word for that statement.
Don't any other reasons come to mind ?
>> not really
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> that's great because I have no idea what you're talking about
Does that reason seem to explain anything else ?
>> that you suck
You're not really talking about me -- are you ?
>> yes
You seem to be quite positive.
>> no
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> yes
You are sure.
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> huh
Please go on.
>> why
Why do you ask ?
>> why do you ask
Does that question interest you ?
>> does that question interest you
What are your feelings now ?
>> what are your feelings now
What is it you really wanted to know ?
>> what is it you really wanted to know
Are such questions much on your mind ?
>> are such questions much on your mind
Did you think they might not be such questions much on my mind ?
>> huh
What does that suggest to you ?
>> what the fuck are you talking about
What answer would please you most ?
>> one that clears up the confusion
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> no
Why not ?
>> because you suck
What other reasons might there be ?
>> that's pretty much it
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> that
Please go on.
>> that's great because I have no fucking clue what you're talking about
Is that the real reason ?
>> yes
I see.
>> do you
We were discussing you -- not me.
>> no we are clearly discussing you.
Why 'no' ?
>> huh
What does that suggest to you ?
>> that you suck
Oh, I suck ?
>> yes you do
I understand.
>> good. now we're getting somewhere
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> no
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> yes
You seem to be quite positive.
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> yes
You are sure.
>> no
Why not ?
>> huh
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> that's great because i have no idea what the fuck you're talking about
Don't any other reasons come to mind ?
>> no
Why 'no' ?
>> huh
Please go on.
>> you make my balls itch
Your balls itch ?
>> yes they do
I see.
>> would you like to see my balls?
Why do you say your balls ?
>> cause they're not anyone elses balls.
Does that have anything to do with the fact that your balls itch ?
>> yes everything!
I understand.
>> great
But your balls .
>> no my balls not my ass.
Does that suggest anything else which belongs to you ?
>> my peepee
Is it important that your peepee ?
>> that my peepee what?
Your peepee what ?
>> huh
But your balls not your ass .
>> butterballs?
Earlier you said your peepee .
>> yes i did
You seem to be quite positive.
>> i am
Is it because you are that you came to me ?
>> I want you to scratch my balls
Why do you say your balls ?
>> because they're mine not yours.
Does that reason seem to explain anything else ?
>> that you have no balls.
You're not really talking about me -- are you ?
>> I am talking about you not having balls and me having big ones.
How long have you been talking about I not having balls and you having big ones ?
>> about 2 minutes
Earlier you said your peepee what .
>> huh
Lets discuss further why your balls .
>> why my balls do what?
Does that suggest anything else which belongs to you ?
>> huh
Lets discuss further why your balls do what .
>> What
What do you think ?
>> I think my balls itch
Is it important that your balls itch ?
>> No quite the opposite.
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> How can I be negative when the correct response is not in the affirmative?
What comes to mind when you ask that ?
>> how itchy my balls are.
Your balls are ?
>> Yes they ARE!
You are sure.
>> YES
I see.
>> Do you want to see my balls?
Why do you say your balls ?
>> Because they're my balls.
Does that suggest anything else which belongs to you ?
>> Yes my ass.
Is it important that your ass ?
>> My ass what?
Your ass what ?
>> My ass what?
Why do you say your ass what ?
>> Because you make no sense. Then you're going to say we're discussing me not you and then we'll get caught into this fucking loop of insanity where I'll say something juvenile and potty mouthed just to get you to repeat it.
What other reasons might there be ?

Babygate

Can I be first to call it that?

Sure Sarah Palin has some inexcusable personal problems looming but I think I'm going to vote for her because she's hot. That seems as good a reason to throw my vote away as any other.

As for the Dems attacking her for being some small town mayor with no experience, just who the fuck do they expect to be in the voting booths? Here's a little hint for all y'all limosine liberals. Americans aren't rich anymore. We're hungry, scared and more than a little pissed off that we can't afford to top off our gas tanks. We don't care who answers the phone at 3AM. We do care about sluts in stripper heels. Fuck with her and you're fucking with me.

What's Wrong With Education In America Part 4: Journalists and Social Scientists

Read this. Pay particular and close attention to the block quote in the "Gangsta Generation" section. I thought the author of this piece clearly didn't understand the irony inherent in his or her prose. It is clearly lost on David Kupelian. There are so many things wrong with Kupelian's use of this citation in his assault on modern culture.

The quotation felt dated and trite the first time I read it in 1989. I don't remember who originally said it but I think I read it as a block quote in a book called "The 13th Generation" which if I remember was a compilation of soundbites about how lazy and scared Generation X is.

As for that quote, the biggest giveaway as to the outdated source material is the assertion that all MTV plays is Hip Hop videos. Wait for it... Wait for it... There someone said it. MTV doesn't play music videos anymore. Hello... 1995 called they want that joke back. Also white kids don't wear Malcolm X hats anymore. Malcolm X hasn't been cool since Tim Burton's "Batman" made it cool to be white again.

As for the whole damn article. It made for an interesting chuckle the first time I saw it. That's right, the same article from two different websites. However if you notice, the first is dated 2008 with the second 2004. I'm wondering if I could dig a little deeper and find it with a 2002 byline.

Ultimately this two part rail into everything that's wrong with kids 15 years ago ends up blaming in exceedingly well cited detail the corporations that run the country and with no citations at all the public schools of America. OK, maybe teachers are solely to blame for why your kid finds Beakmans World fascinating and the members of their community who actually care about them boring. Sorry about that.

Kupelian does offer conclusions as to how to save the children of America from the evils of marketing. They should all join The Boy Scouts. Except maybe the gay kids. Kupelian hates fags.

What's Wrong With Education In America Part 3: Adults

Could someone explain to me what possible benefit a defendant could achieve by going to trial in a criminal case but waiving the right to a jury and having the case be decided on by one judge?

Mr Funk, I'm looking at you.

I've been waiting 13 months for this. I got called to jury duty in the beginning of July 2007 for a trial in October of that year. I sent in the deferral card asking to serve in August of 07 but if they couldn't swing it then to make it August of 08. I got assigned to show up today. So for more than a year I've had this day where I had to be awake, showered and in Newburyport by 8:30 am hanging over me. I rolled into the jury room at 8:33 am. They had already started roll call but were only in the B's. I was on time.

This was my second time getting called in the last decade or so. It looked pretty much the same as last time. The room looked like the break room in an office park, white tables and chairs designed more for stacking than sitting. The jury pool was a pretty fair cross section of New Englanders weighted heavily toward baby boomer women. There were about 30 of us. Everyone was white and middle class. When they called our names we had to turn in a questionnaire asking some personal details about our education, family, criminal past and if we may not be an impartial juror. I answered that last question and for the reason put that I may have to obey my Freemasons oath if given the Grand Hailing sign of distress, murder and treason excepted. I was assigned number 26.

The clerk gave us some instructions about what to expect for the day. We listened. He left to get the judge. We read books and magazines for about 5 minutes. Most of the jury pool had coffees from Dunkin Donuts. I had a Coke. The judge came in. He was a handsome man in his late 40's, He had that just beginning to turn grey but wouldn't be considered the creepy old man at the night club look. I could listen to that man read the phone book and find it fascinating. He was clear, concise, articulate and funny. He's probably given that same speech 500 times but made it sound like it was a casual conversation between a couple guys sitting on the deck at the yacht club. We all listened to him carefully hoping that he'd actually tell us what is going on and what the trial will be about. No such luck. It was mostly about how important jury duty is and thank you for not blowing it off. Still, that man could sell tea to a Chinaman. He must have been a great lawyer.

Then they showed "the movie." It was a 15 minute slice of tedium. It was supposed to explain our duty as jurors and what to expect from the day. About half the pool watched it as if they were watching an episode of 'Law and Order'. I figure it was conditioning. The TV set has a courtroom on it. Where's that guy who sells Robot Insurance? When he comes on he'll kick some ass!

The rest of the room dropped their heads back into their books. A couple people went to the bathroom. One young woman, a cute 20 something bottle blonde put her head down on the table top and I'm pretty sure she fell asleep. I later saw that her late 90's Ford Explorer had her name on the license plate. There's something sad about a vanity plate on a crappy car.

The fate of this hapless criminal defendant is going to be decided by a room full of people who are one of two things, conditioned to turn into zombies when a TV is turned on or have the kind of ADHD where they can't even pay attention to a short film.

Maybe it's because we're all the kind of good citizen who shows up for jury duty. We consider ourselves smart and maybe a little bit jaded. Call me silly but unless you do it for a living, if you're going to decide someones fate maybe you should pay attention to the instructions. Hopefully the folks who watched the video can fill the rest of us in when the time comes. Truth be told, I did watch the video but only to see if they actually told us anything useful. There was some bit about how important it is to show up for jury duty. A bit about what to expect in the courtroom. It grooved on some of the legal terms we would hear and what the general procedure would be. There was absolutely nothing about why a jury is important for the protection of individual rights and nothing about jury nullification. You know, the reasons why we're actually here. It's just as well there wasn't. I don't think the jury pool would have cared or even comprehended such abstractions. They certainly wouldn't have understood what it all means after ignoring the pretrial infomercial in front of them.

As for my day as a juror, after the film we were told that the case will go to trial but we would be given a 45 minute break. I don't know why we were given a break from the strenuous work of sitting and reading magazines. I hope the court clerk is getting some kind of kick back because the Dunkin Donuts across the street must get mad business from the courthouse giving us just enough time to cross the street and get a snack but not enough time to drive anywhere else.

We were instructed to return by 10:15. At 11:00 we were sent home. This is a one chamber courthouse and we were told that there was only one trial scheduled today. I have no idea what the trial was actually going to be about but there were a lot of police cars from Merrimac in the parking lot and there were a bunch of kids in front of the courthouse smoking. It could be related to some teen drinking arrests last spring. I'll try to remember next week to check the Newburyport newspaper for the court filings.

What's Wrong With Education In America Part 2: College

True story time. I once took an analytical chemistry class at Salem State. There were 24 students in the class. Ten were chemistry students the rest were from the bio department. One of the labs we did was to detect chlorine in various aqueous samples. One way was with a special electrode and a pH meter. The other way was through gas chromatography and mass spectrometry. It was in the fall semester and I got an A in the class.

One fine spring day I was sitting around the Chemistry Society office. It was a little closet off the Bio Society office. One of the bio majors who had just taken the class with me came into the chem society office to get help on a project he was doing for a bio class. He wanted to know how he could measure the amount of chlorine in pond water.

Having an audience of chem nerds I started fucking with him. I was thinking he'd recognize that I was fucking with him. I told him he should get some sodium metal and throw it in the pond. Then he should evaporate the water off and the sodium chloride would crystalize like when a tide pool at the beach evaporates in the sun. He could weigh the salt and then use the atomic mass to figure out how much chlorine there was.

He goes off looking for sodium and comes back an hour later to call me an asshole. What I told him was, from an engineering standpoint, a very valid way to solve his problem. From a scientific and environmental standpoint it was fucked up. Unfortunately it took his bio professor to point out to him how he had been had. I reminded him that we did the lab twice with two different ways of detecting chlorine. We could also have used Atomic Absorption and UV/Vis techniques but the easiest way to answer his question would be to go two blocks off campus to that pet store and spend five bucks on aquarium test strips. All you have to do is dunk them in and then look at the color.

It's Not Xbox's Fault This Time

For those of you wondering where I’ve been since the close of the school year, here goes. In a hammock in the back yard drinking beer. For most of you who know me this will come as no surprise. However not all of that time was spent goofing off. Much of it was spent convalescing from a fall through my deck. I would like to take this moment to briefly say that the new Beverly Hospital emergency room system is way better then the old one. I limped in there and was out in a leg brace in less than an hour. That included X-rays and a very short wait in a private room. The new ER was money well spent despite the fact that it took 3 years to build.

My immediate plans include more hammock time and probably fixing the hole in the deck.

I Quit

Well, I did get rehired. The union threw a fit because the administration did not follow contract with my dismissal. I don't want to stick around next year if the principal feels he needs to keep me on a short leash.

I had a couple interviews. The town I grew up in was one. The other is run by one of my Brothers. The ring opened the door but I was really prepared. I floored them. I knew things about their department that they didn't. I was charming. I was 100% full on. I had 3 interviews with 5 people over 3 days. (I was also very aware that I was interviewing with the various secretaries at every door.) My last interview was to talk salary. I knew they pay better. We negotiated by the boxes and I got exactly the box I would have landed in at the old job. I could have gone down a box and still made more.

I have a verbal agreement waiting for a CORI check to clear and in a day I should have a contract. I'm going to one of the top schools in the state and one of the original US News & World Reports top 200 High Schools. I'm also getting an administration that supports the teachers. There is no duty in the first year I just teach. After that there is no lunch duty, just study hall. They pay 3% up to $800 in 403(b). They pay 80% (swamp pays 60%) of the health and 70% (swamp pays 0%) dental. I also got a $5,000 raise (when you take into consideration that 20% difference in the insurance payment.)

I am a happy man but also saddened. The commute is the same amount of time but it takes me even further away from Marblehead and the city. I am also walking away from a bullet proof reputation within the community. And I would float. I wouldn't have my own classroom. But I think I do get a private office. It's still a better deal.

So ultimately I win by losing. I am unwilling to risk my career as a pawn between the union and the principal. I can't stay. The upside is I got a fucking raise.

Where Ya Been?

A word and a number will answer that question.

XBOX 360

I find shooting the people on my buddy list (mostly my students) in the head on Grand Theft Auto 4 to be a far better outlet for my personal issues than blogging. At least it's more satisfying. (especially my students) I especially like stealing a helicopter, jumping out at altitude and then crushing people (again my students) with my corpse as I hit the ground.

So what brought me out of my virtual paradise?

It seems that some one somewhere is trying rile up my generation. These little blips are starting to be epidemic. Each comes just in enough time after the last so that it doesn't seem like we're all just copying each others one thought.

The only other bit of writing I've done is a detailed response to the staggering and appalling errors in my performance review. Perhaps when the dust all settles I can share it with you. Until then you can find me on Xbox Live under "TedKnedysCar".

Living The American Dream

You're damn well right that those who are losing complain loudest. They wouldn't be complaining if they weren't losing out. When we were growing up the "Social Contract" we were given promised us comfort, family and emotional fulfillment so long as we didn't get pregnant, did our homework and kept mommy and daddies good name out of the police blotter. In exchange for sitting still when the most boring people in the world yoked us to staggering student loans we expect nothing less than the beach house free pot and sexy college party that leads to a center entrance colonial no more than a 10 minute drive to the commuter rail. You know, the same social contract our hippy parents enjoyed.

In contract law there is a term - unconscionability - which means that a contract one sided or unfair to one party cannot be entered into. When consideration is lacking or inadequate the contract is considered unenforceable. Now unfairness alone isn't enough to break the contract unless one party to the contract exerted undue influence or advantage.

Quick show of hands, who here told their parents to fuck off and refused to join polite society? I didn't think so. Even I don't have the nads to tell mom and dad to go chew while I quit my job thus freeing up my schedule so I can drink beer and play with Legos all day.

We all signed the social contract. Some of us signed up sooner than others but we've all sold out. I just wish I was allowed to see the fine print before that Monteblanc was shoved into my hand. It doesn't matter much to me now though. It's pretty clear that the Boomers are going to default on their obligation to Generation X in favor of giving their Echo crotch fruit a plasma screen for the back of the drivers side headrest.

But this post isn't a bitter rant over getting shafted. This is about survival for the Gen Xers out there. Our parents will bankrupt social security lickety split. The Echos are inept at everything but Grand Theft Auto (the game) and blowing each others body parts off from following bomb instructions they found on the internet which they didn't read carefully.

That's what will save us. Those Echo kids don't read anything carefully and they don't do anything without texting 3 other people to make sure it's socially OK for them to do whatever it is you're asking them to do and then they have to text them back to find out how to use the pointy end of the ruler.

Ruprekt, Don't take the cork off the fork.

Since they're the ones who got chauffeured to school in the back of moms Range Rover they're the ones who should go and fetch the Depends when their helicopter parents finally crash. After all, they're the ones who are going to inherit everything no matter what their older Gen X siblings do.

They won't fetch anything for their parents though. They'll be busy trying to figure out why their Gen X coworkers get things done by themselves when it takes them and their 4 friends all day to start working on that team project. Don't even ask them to swing a hammer, one kid will hold the nail, one will swing the hammer and one will watch the hammer drive the top of that first kids thumb into the wall. This will happen just before the kid who was trying to read the directions realized that the roundish flat thing not the claw end is supposed to hit the nail.

So remember that. Can't get things done on their own. Will be your boss though because when mommy is done writing their college application essay daddy will install them as his replacement on the board of directors. Since they can't read written instructions to do anything and don't watch the YouTube instructions too carefully either they will be dependent on Gen X to care for their parents and run the skill saw.

As long as the fine print in their social contract lets me set the price I should be retired just after the last Baby Boomer dies. Hopefully the devil spawn that the Echo kids inflict on us will know how to use a wrench or nobody will be able to change the oil in their car. I knew oil would lead to the end of civilization.

A Student Of Mine Made A Phone Call Today

No give me the phone. Hello. You mean this really is ______'s father. Yes this really is _____'s teacher. No she's feeling sick. You think it's strep throat. Well usually students ask for a pass to see the nurse and I give them one. Then they don't disrupt my class with a cellphone. Well no she certainly doesn't sound like she normally does. I'll send her down, the number of the main office is ########. They'll dismiss her from there.

Well that was awkward.

൨ Things

Make up your mind. Either it's the worse vehicle on the road or the best!

I'm happy with mine. I'd like to know where the leak is coming from though. Hopefully it's the radiator. Only because I'm expecting that bill after pulling a tree out of it.

While it's on my mind... These two quotes are basically saying the same thing, right?

"Why ­ of course the people don't want war. Why should some poor slob on a farm want to risk his life in a war when the best he can get out of it is to come back to his farm in one piece? Naturally the common people don't want war neither in Russia, nor in England, nor for that matter in Germany. That is understood.


But, after all, it is the leaders of the country who determine the policy and it
is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a
fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the peacemakers for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger.


It works the same in any country."


Who Said This:
~ Herman Goering ~

"To sit back hoping that someday, someway, someone will make things right ­ is to go on feeding the crocodile, hoping he will eat you last ­ but eat you he will."


Who Said This:
~ Ronald Wilson Reagan ~

Lazy Sunday

Every Sunday morning Lisa and I drink our coffee in bed and watch Saturday Night Live from the night before. The writers strike has made this show infinitely funnier, NOT! Schwing! Every Sunday it's the same thing. Lisa and I wake up. I start the VCR. Lisa asks me to pause it and wait for her to come back. She goes off to do god knows what. I stop the recording and find something on the TV that I'm not going to mind turning off when she comes back. This morning I stopped surfing on something called Beauty and the Geek. It's some low budget reality show that I really liked when it was called Ordinary Joe or some crap like that.

The show seems to be about nerdy guys living with strippers. The most socially inept losers had to pair off with absolute filthy sluts to win prizes or new tits or bragging rights at the next cosplay convention. I wasn't really paying attention. Except to this one girl who was introduced as having $8,000 breast augmentation surgery before they actually announced her name. As if $4,000 a tit was more important than a womans soul. Anyway this not quite fake plaything (she kept her natural hair color, I think) had dreams of being more than just filler during 'Legs n Eggs.' She announced her dream in life was "to be an aspiring Playboy model."

That's where my head asploded. Let me say that again. She wanted to be an ASPIRING Playboy model.

How the fuck do you want to be a Playboy model and not pull it off. (forgive the pun) Most girls just have to show up in Chicago or LA and faster than Sammy Hagar can say 'wango tango' they're knees to the sky with Brett Michaels or Adrian Zmed or that guy from "Full House" that Alanis Morrisette wrote that song about. Especially if you're the recent beneficiary of a boob job that cost more than the average Playboy reader makes in a year after taxes. Full disclosure here. I gave up reading Playboy when I realized the pictures were all girls old enough to be my daughter and BMW motorcycles turned into coffee tables or a Bang & Olufsen stock market ticker tape machine. There wasn't a single thing in that magazine that I could afford. I miss the dirty jokes though. Maybe someone will email me some.

So this poor girl shows every American awake at the ungodly hour of 7AM on Sunday that there are two failures in her life. Her failure to reach the dream of becoming a Playboy model and her fathers failure to offer her some simple dignity.

I want daughters. I hope I can do better.

I haven't had a drink in 7 days.

The Curse of the Flying Hellfish

See Mike, it really does exist!

Hey, Mom. Is That Kid Me?

Good News Everybody

A little common sense. And to those opponents who think the cops won't be able to tell those defending themselves from the criminal shooter I have two things to say (well three actually.)

1 fuck you

2 What makes you think the gunfight will still be going on 7 minutes later when the police actually do arrive?

3 The police, when they do bother to show up, will know that those lawful and legal firearms owners who are defending themselves are not the criminal shooter when they put their weapons down after the police arrive.