Sunday, December 31, 2006

And It Will Fuck Up Race Week

Fresh on the heels of 'The Great Massachusetts Windmill Controversey Slash Class War' I bring you further proof that our political class hates Bostons North Shore.

Unlike windmills which will sit there a half mile apart the Liquid Natural Gas terminal will attract big ships into some of our nations most fertile fishing grounds, particularly lobster grounds. It will also dramatically affect private yachting in the area. Ignore for a moment the effects of the ships propellers or bilge pumps. Consider the fact that the ships themeslves are given priority traffic and have a half mile restriction zone around them. That means that no private vessel may navigate through the shipping zones as the big ships come in. Take a look at that map. If there are two dozen LNG tankers in the waters off Cape Ann each spread a half mile apart while they wait for their connection to the pipeline it will be impossible to navigate out of any of the coves and harbors around Salem Sound. That means no lazy gunkholing out of Manchester-By-The-Sea, no Marblehead Harbor, no whale watches out of Salem. There will be no bi-annual race from Marblehead to Halifax Nova Scotia, one of yachtings oldest traditions. It will be the end of the Gloucester Schooner Festival. These are the reasons why people pay some of the highest real estate prices (and taxes) to live here. Take away our access to the Gulf of Maine and we're nothing more then a bedroom community for commuters on 128.

If only there was a Kennedy still in politics who cares about the environment to rally against the destruction of our Northshore traditions. Oh wait. There is. There's a Kennedy who doesn't want an LNG terminal built in Fall River. Unless my knowlege of geography and plate tectonics is faulty, Fall River is down there south of Boston. Suspiciously close to the Cape.

Fuck Ted Kennedy.

Friday, December 29, 2006

F U I Am More Then A Genius

According to these people counting out the number of letter F’s in the following can show if you’re a genius or not.
Read the following sentence — just once, at normal speed, with no looking back — and say how many times the letter F occurs: “Finished files are the result of years of scientific study combined with the experience of years.”

Most only count 3, they miss the word “of.” According to the official rules there are 6 F’s and if you spotted them all you’re a genius. Some stray odd readers count 5 for which there is no explanation. However all those hyphens and the semicolon mean the whole paragraph is one sentence. I count 8 F’s. Admit it, I’m better then you.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

It's Been One Year Since Barney Took Over

Friday, December 22, 2006

Sugar & Spice & Everything Nice

I have these 3 students, 14 year old girls who are at that age where they're too cool to be caught being a good student. So they chat when I'm trying to lecture. They groom and preen when they should be doing lab. They're just more interested in looking good for the boys then learning.

The class is made up of less academically successful students. I tried an alternate project that would lead to a poster presentation rather then a formal lab report. I had them design rockets that we test fired and then had them redesign the rocket to go higher. The poster would be an advertisment explaining why their new rocket was an improvement over the older models. We learned scientific method, engineering design, aeronautics and a whole lot of other stuff which a good poster would explain in much less detail then a lab report would have but at least they were all working on the project together. Part of the assignment was to decorate the rockets. Those three girls chose to work together. When we decorated their rockets they decided to make it a unicorn and they named it Charlie. They labored long and hard to color and paint and cut out little feet they glued to the end of their rockets tailfins. Aerodynamically wrong but the rocket was very cute.

I thought how fun these girls who were way to cool to be learning were still into unicorns and they kept telling me they were going to fly their rocket to 'Candy Mountain'. I was touched as an educator to see these young ladies still had a bit of the little girl in them. They hadn't yet lost touch with their inner child that just wanted a pony or a unicorn to take them off to fantasy land.

Then I saw this.

Thursday, December 21, 2006


So they really are taking jobs away from Americans. There is no such thing as a fucking job Americans won't do. There are just jobs you don't feel like paying us to do. We're not god damned slaves. Even the fucking Pharoh's knew that taking care of the slaves and their families would get more work out of them then the whip would.

By the way I think the headline means you're supposed to take a shot. Except for Didi who's taking antibiotics. You can have two next time. Just let me know when you want me to say "Hmmmm" again.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Night Of The Living Dead

Anyone who really knows me knows I'm not easy to scare. I'm not kidding. Anyone who can drop acid and remain a Republican isn't someone you want to fuck with. So it's hard to frighten me. I can startle like anyone else but real scares just don't seem to phase me. Except one thing, zombies.

The other night I was walking past the dining room window and noticed several people milling about on our front lawn. I couldn't quite see what was going on but they looked aimless and without leadership. Exactly what I would expect from a zombie attack.

"WHO THE HELL ARE THESE PEOPLE?" I snapped at Lisa. Then the doorbell rang. I calmed down. Zombies rarely ring the doorbell. Usually they just pound on the wall and occaisionally radio in for more paramedics and police officers to make a grim "home delivery." Doorbells although less complex then a police radio seem to elude even the most dexterous of the undead.

They were Christmas Carolers. We gave them leftover Halloween candy.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Could You Pass My Course?

I dedicate this post to my fans at Penn State.

I'm giving a chemistry test to my juniors tomorrow. There are two bonus questions at the begining of the test. One of them is "What is my name?" A little further down in the multiple choice section I bury this little gem:

17) Which of the following scientists established a magnificent laboratory, wrote a definitive text on chemical nomenclature, and is generally considered to be the founder of modern chemistry?
A) Those clowns over at IUPAC
B) Antoine Lavoisier
C) Dean A. Sxxxxxxxxx-Cxxxxxxxxxxs
D) Albert Einstein
E) Andrew G. Ewing

Anyone want to bet none of them will make the connection between the questions?

I love fucking with their heads.

(The real test has my name not a bunch of x's)

Friday, December 15, 2006

A Big Part Of The Reason Why I Like To Cook

"Sweetie? Does this mean two and one quarter cups or does it mean two one quarter cups?"

"Why would they say two one quarter cup instead of a half a cup?"

Saturday, December 09, 2006

That's Funny, I Don't Feel Any Safer

Even if he was a muslim, arresting some dumbfuck with no money and no guns after shooting his mouth off does not mean you stopped a terror attack. Especially since it was your "informant" who suggested the whole terror attack and all that guy was guilty of was agreeing that "the mall" should be blown up at Christmas time. Frankly, it sounds like a good idea to me, I'm afraid of mall Santas.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

This Is Not A Drill

The school that I teach at went into lockdown right as the first bell rang. 10 minutes before classes started the police had arrested two students in front of the school building. Parents dropping off their children and all the kids walking in saw two kids belly down on the ground in handcuffs. It was pretty hard to miss. Then the principal announced over the intercom that we were to go into full lockdown.

One of my students said it was the kid in MS-13

"Jesus Christ this has to happen in the classroom where my key doesn't work!" That's what I said as I fought for 5 minutes with a 30 year old door that doesn't like to be locked. I finally got the door to lock tight. I turned the lights off and pulled the shades. I asked my students to be quiet and stay in their seats. (I should have had them stand hiding along the wall with the black board. I covered the windows and they did stay pretty quiet. The classroom that I share a door with didn't line up at the black board either.) Most of my kids listened to iPods quietly. Some played cards (against school rules but I allow it during down time.) Many of my girls knit during class. They knitted and even taught (quietly) one of the boys to knit. (There's a funny blog posting coming on this topic in the next few days.)

There's a TV set in that room but no cable. I turned it on to see if we got anything. We didn't. So I got my wire cutters and some wire out of the stock room and made an antenna. My students were astounded when I got Fox 25 to come in. "You're just like McGiver!" one student said. We watched Fox with the sound off wondering if the lockdown had made the news. It hadn't.

After an hour of this I got pretty bored. I sat at the teachers desk playing video games on my Macintosh. One of my students got up for a tissue and noticed I was playing a first person shooter during the lockdown and said "You're playing Halo during the lockdown!?!" The class laughed. One girl said "That's so awesome, I love you."

An hour and a half after the day should have started the principal announced the end of the lockdown and asked us to wait in the classroom for one of the administration to come in and speak with the class. He said that teachers should turn the lights back on and take the rest of the period to "start a lesson and begin learning". There was a great disturbance in the force as if every student in the school laughed at once. One of the vice-P's came in and told us that it was a false alarm. The reported gun turned out to be a cellphone.

There was no teaching any of my other classes for the rest of the day.

I'd say the only kid who learned anything in any of my classes was the boy who learned how to knit in the dark.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Sometimes I Get That Hissing Noise When You Press Fire Caught In My Head For Days

The real truth is that no invading army could ever hope to occupy any nation whose citizens don't really feel like being occupied against.
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