Thursday, October 25, 2007

My Brush With Celebrity Greatness


Last night Lisa and I went to a party at the BC Club in the pregnant building. It was hosted by some lawyers and bankers. I'm not really sure why.
What made it a tax deduction for Bank of America was a speech given by an executive who was probably wicked smaat but had no presentation style. Then they brought out Jimmy Tingle who was pretty funny. As he slipped out the back I shamelessly begged for a picture. He was pretty nice about it.

The rest of the night I spent talking with a minor player in the mortgage business. His take home message was that he had no idea a couple years ago that the real estate market would be this fucked. Oh and the big speech was the reason why I got to talking to the bankers in the first place. They wanted to tout their new initiative to pitch their special mortgage program for Police, Firemen and Teachers. You know, the only ones left with steady jobs.

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One More

Some total fucktard left a cat in a cardboard pet carrier in the tall grass across the street from us. If I didn't have a monster truck I wouldn't have seen it. I noticed it when I got home tonight. It just didn't look right to me so I got out and investigated. I was so happy and surprised to see that the cat was alive I dropped my iPhone. The glass is cracked. The cat had tinkled in the box and it was dry so she was in the box for a long time. It's pretty cold tonight. I took her in and called animal control. I let her out of the box in quarantine while we waited for the police. She was very sweet and really fucking scared. She wouldn't take food or water from me but was otherwise happy to be out of the box.

This post isn't going to end with "So we've got another cat now."

Animal control took her to a rescue shelter which is by coincidence our Vet.

Totally offtopic: Last weekend I pulled the dent out of the side of my FJ.

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Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Fuck

I didn't want the ol' Blog to go too long without me swearing.

It is my lucky night too. Cannonball Run 2 is on HBO.

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Monday, October 22, 2007

DodgeBall

That's me on the far left in the blue T-Shirt. I'm the last one left standing at the end. It was faculty against students. Faculty had our asses handed to us but I went out with honor. My strategy of dropping to the floor at the first sign of yellow flying at me worked. The video ran out of disk space but it goes on for two more minutes with me falling on my back. The kids were baffled. Every time I hit the floor the kids thought I was hurt and hesitated just long enough for me to get back up. Video is of sufficiently poor quality that I think identities of students are protected.

video

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Thursday, October 18, 2007

Part 3

I spoke with a colleague who studied for the bar but then decided to be a history teacher instead. His basic take was that the police observing me from the street could enter the property as my presence on wooded land could be reasonably considered unusual. The police then observing me could arrest me for being intoxicated while driving despite being on private property. The arrest would be for the future crime of driving should I leave the property while still intoxicated. However there wouldn't be any actual crime and I would probably not be prosecuted.

He also opined that implied consent is sufficiently vague enough that the police may breathylize anyone possessing a drivers license for any reason any time. There is still no law against driving on private property without a license. Then I saw this.

I played DodgeBall on the faculty team the other night. Teachers lost miserably. I was the last man standing. I even hit the foreign exchange kid. I was the only person to tag him out all night. Then I had a coughing fit so bad I thought it was a heart attack. I don't think it was. I've just had a cold and the new gymnasium still reeks of ammonia from the flooring that still hasn't cured fully. I have video. It's too big to post.

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Tuesday, October 16, 2007

While We're On The Subject Of Assholes Destroying America

Blogger is being a prick and won't let me embed a picture here so clicky to watch Al Gore waste electricity.

If only there was a prize meant to honor men like Mohatma Ghandi or Oskar Schindler. Now imagine if they actually gave it to someone who deserved it.

Al Gore uses 20 times the national average electricity. I have 16 rooms which includes a heated garage. Gore only has 4 more rooms and lives in a less severe climate yet he uses 3 times the electricity I do. I also get better gas mileage in any one of the many cars I drive. My new land yacht is up to three lance corporals a day and the only thing the Porsche can't pass is a gas station.

We may be speeding up climate change or we may not be. That climate is going to change no matter what we do. I enjoy my toys. I'm not going to apologize to Al Gore or any other fucking limousine liberal for not wanting to ride the bus anymore. I'm especially not going to apologize for wanting something comfortable to commute in since Gore and his ilk have done nothing but make housing more unaffordable. That's a story for another day but it involves David Blood from Goldman Sachs, REITs and something I like to call 'Liars Poker.'

This from here.

Don't forget this.

And finally, I remind you that Gore told people to stop using CD's and just download music from iTunes because CD's are made from oil. Gore sits on Apple's board of directors. iPods use a lot of ZINC in their manufacture. Gore owns a zinc mine. It's across the lake from his megamansion. And he's suspiciously silent on the subject of DVD's which are still EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME AS CD's now that he has a movie he want's you to buy a copy of.

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Monday, October 15, 2007

Why Should They Start Now?

I firmly disagree with the last sentence in this article.

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Friday, October 12, 2007

How About A Nice Warm Glass Of Shut The Hell Up. You're In My World Now, Gramma!

Fuck. I guess I'm lucky. My run-ins with the police merely end with a ticket or an apology.

Then again, I'm white, middle-aged, educated and affluent. Samuel L. Jackson would say that I'm "A mutherfucking pillar of the mutherfucking community." I get respect where ever I go. But if that's what it takes to get some simple dignity I'm surprised the underclasses haven't stormed whatever passes for the Bastille in 21st century America.

Perhaps it's time they should. I'm tired of apoligising for my privilege and peerage. I yearn to be free and I know I'm not if you aren't.

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Monday, October 08, 2007

Part Two

Read part one first!

Friday night was the rehearsal for Megan and Rachel’s wedding. They asked me to ring the bell at the church. It turns out to be much harder than it looks. I thought I’d be pulling on a rope. It was more like climbing a mountain. Megan’s parents had a party in their backyard afterwards. I didn’t want to drink all night so I started to collect garden slugs. They were everywhere.

The wedding was beautiful. I forgot my video camera in the car. Lisa did a reading. It was a big crowd. The minister was a no bullshit kind of gal. ADD and Church don’t mix. I wish I could stand going to church. I think I would like this minister.

I know I’m grown up now. When Megan and Rachel kissed I didn’t blurt out “That’s what I came here to see.”

The reception was at an old mansion estate turned into a park. Beer and wine flowed freely all night. I had a few. I also know my limit. That’s why I wasn’t worried when the cops pulled out a breathalyzer.

No I didn’t get pulled over. I should back up a bit here and explain. Thursday night I drove up and down route 97 and finally passed the wear in period. Now I can drive my land yacht the way it was meant to be driven. I have been driving a truck built for driving where there are no roads for two weeks now. I put it in 4wd for less then 10 minutes during that time. I wanted to drive where I could lock the differential and really put it to the test.

Massachusetts has closed almost all access to state park trails. They’ve also closed access to fire roads and powerline gullies. There are no places to legally drive off road in Essex County. Now that I’m a pillar of the community I’m not interested in getting arrested for trespassing. I do have one option open to me. On the way home from the wedding I passed by some land Lisa and I own. The Commonwealth has severly restricted our use of the land to the point that we are forced to let it lie fallow. A small forest is growing up on the land. It’s rough and unmanaged. It’s a perfect test for my new monster truck.

I got about 300 feet in and was turning around when the first Dodge Charger blazes his strobes off in the distance. I turn off my truck. It takes the officer a couple minutes to stumble through the woods in the dark. It was also raining pretty heavily at this point.

“What are you doing back here.”

“Officer you’re probably not going to believe this but I own this land and I just bought this truck last week. I’ve been dieing to test it off road and couldn’t think of anywhere else to bring it.”

“Can I see your license and registration. Have you been drinking tonight?”

“Officer I’m stuck in the woods in the rain. Obviously alcohol is involved.”

“Have you been drinking tonight?”

“Yes quite a lot.”

He talks on his radio for 10 minutes. Another Dukes of Hazzard car pulls up. This officer makes it through the woods a little more nimble then the first. He’s holding a breathalizer.

“Do you know the address of this land? How long have you owned it?”

“There are no houses so I don’t think the lots have addresses. I know the registration numbers are on page 35 of Essex County Plan Book number 105. My family has owned the land 40 years. It was just transferred to my wife a few months ago. If you’ve got an internet connection in your car I can show you the Salem Deeds registry.”

“You’re not in any trouble right now but we want to test you to see if you’re OK to drive home.” I see dollar signs in these boys eyes as they contemplate a successful arrest on an otherwise boring night.

“Officer, I just had surgery on my ankles so if you want me to stand still on one foot I can’t.”

“We want you to blow into this tube. You’ll hear a beep and a click.”

“When was this machine calibrated?”

“I don’t know. Every month. We have that at the station.”

The first test fails to register. I’m not blowing hard enough. The two officers are yelling at me to blow harder. They ask me to take the test again. I reply that the machine will then be out of calibration. You have to wait between tests to get an accurate reading. They tell me to take the test again. I tell them I am now getting nervous and would like to take any further tests in front of their dashboard camera. The first officer tells me that they don’t have dashboard cameras. (I looked up the Wenham PD and I can’t find one way or another if the cameras are there. I did find out they paid 27 grand for the cars so I’m guessing the police were telling the truth. No way they came with cameras for that price.)

I finally blow a successful test. 0.06 which is approximately one beer in one hour. Below the legal limit for intoxication in every state but Colorado. The police change their tune with me. Suddenly I’m not a drunk menacing the woods but a property owner making use of my land.

“I did have a lot to drink but I stopped a couple hours ago, ate dinner, had coffee, ate cake. I didn’t think I was drunk anymore.”

“Yes sir. We just wanted to make sure you were safe to drive home. Would you like us to help you turn around?”

The police then spend 10 minutes spotting for me while I make a 3 point turn between the trees without getting high centered on the bolder that forced me to turn around in the first place. The rock rails kept me from completely smashing in the side a couple times. That was money well spent! There is a small dent above the back wheel and a big dent in one of my clamshell doors. No scratches into the paint and nothing ripped off my under carriage. I got back out to the street no problem.

“Admit it officer. You want one of these now.”

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Sunday, October 07, 2007

Part One

I don’t even know where to begin. My weekend has been riding on a high for days now and it’s not even Sunday. I should start from the beginning. Wednesday was parents’ night. I put on a show for 7 minutes and then the bell rings and the parents are ushered into another teacher’s room. I love parents’ night. If I can’t impress the parents in 7 minutes I have no business standing in front of their kids for 90 minutes. At one point during the evening one of the parents said that he really liked my presentation style. I saw a lot of parents nodding their heads at each other. Plus, I was the only teacher who thanked the parents for paying for a new high school.

A little piece of personal trivia that many don’t know is that I teach with Rachel’s mother. I think it’s funny when students find out that Carol and I were friends long before we started teaching together. Many of our colleagues are shocked to learn that I celebrate Christmas Eve with her every year. (My Dads house breaks up around 9pm now that my grandmother isn’t making us wait until midnight to open presents. It leaves me with plenty of time to go over 30 O....)

Wednesday afternoon Carol and Rachel came up to my classroom. I have the last classroom in the building, it really is at the end of the school. When the principal and superintendent come to my floor to spot evaluate us they forget I’m there. I also have the second largest room because I got all the space that was left over. The teacher with the largest room got what he wanted for being the only teacher to actually sit down with the architect. He had to give up his prep room but he got more floor space.

Carol brought Rachel up to see my room before the start of parents’ night. Rachel’s reaction to my classroom is “Oh my god, you really are an adult now.” She’s right to be shocked. How I got to become a pillar of the community is beyond my capacity to understand. I do my teacher on parents night performance for her and she’s impressed.

In all, it was a pretty good night for me.

Thursday night I drove up to the Apple Store in Salem, NH. My 12in PowerBook G4 is dieing. It’s time for a new computer. I was going to get the Black MacBook and upgrade the memory. For about two hundred bucks more I could get the low end MacBook Pro. I really didn’t want to spend the money and I really didn’t want to get something so big. I wish I could get another 12in sub-notebook. I waffled over plain MB or MB Pro for an hour. The store employees thought I was funny going from one computer to the other. In the end I decided that there was enough stress in my life and I didn’t want to learn a new keyboard. I went with the Pro. I saved $600 for being a teacher with iPhone rebates and leaving Taxachusetts.

To be continued…

And it's a fucking great story!

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Email me - dean.rules@yahoo.com