Sunday, January 27, 2008

My Windmill Has Killed Fewer People Than Ted Kennedy's Car

Sometimes I forget why I do this. The Commonwealth very desperately needs this electricity. This is particularly important since we no longer have Salem Power online. They're trying to turn it back on but my clean car is proof enough of the filth they spew. I don't expect them to be online for long.

That means we really need more windmills. It's too bad Salem Power is so screwed right now. Too bad for Salem more so. They generate most of the city's operating revenue. With tax receipts falling everywhere and Salem's budget crisis I expect tough times for the city. Maybe this is too little too late.

I really do hope Salem keeps the teachers. I hate to think they're all coming after my job. Especially since we're looking at cash flow problems of our own. I have no idea how much money I can expect to replenish glassware that just didn't stand up to the 15 year olds the town hired to move us last year. We have dozens of expensive items that the movers trashed kicking around the building with no hope of repair or replacement. It's too bad. I hate having to buy things twice but we need these things. Especially the glassware. Prices for specialty glass have shot through the roof since the DEA and Homeland Security have effectively criminalized beakers.

I still have some hope though. No Child Left Behind hasn't totally snuffed out critical thinking. One of my students, during the midyear exams, pointed out that the periodic table she was looking at spelled sulfur wrong. I pointed out that there is the American english spelling and the English english spelling. She was looking at the British spelling which IUPAC has declared to be the wrong spelling.

The periodic table in question was given to the school by The United States Marine Corp. Along with 500 foam fingers, the "we're #1" kind.

Fuck Ted Kennedy!

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Friday, January 25, 2008

What The Fuck, We're All Going To Hell Anyway

Enough of this so that I don't get sued out of existence is satire of public officials or corporate citizens who shouldn't have any rights in a sane world. Much of it is true. All of it I can cite my sources for if called out.

This is fucked up. Even more fucked up than the fucked up day I had in the classroom. And it's finals week. I only had one class today. In that time I had an issue with two principals, a student, the chair of the department and an irate parent over a god damned cell phone disturbing the other students who managed to obey the fuckin rules and turned theirs off when I said to. This comes on the heels of a bomb scare, a pistol found in a student's back-pack and felony theft charges which will definitely involve jail time for at least one of my former students. Each crime committed by a different student, and I had all of them in class last year.

Oh, and the town finally gave me a fire extinguisher for my classroom. It's pressurized water in a silver canister. OSHA and common sense would like to see me get an ABC bottle, you know, the red one. I'll stick with the one from under my kitchen sink.

I love my job.

As much as I think I'm able to dig up... Dunkin Donuts is owned by three private equity groups each more sinister than the last.

First is Bain Company. They hold most of it as far as I can tell. They're a private equity group out of Boston and NY with some Shanghai and Hong Kong offices thrown in for flavor. You can't purchase shares in a private equity group. If they want you to be a share holder you would already be one by now. By the way, my new phone number in China is 011 852 81713303. Call it. Leave me a message on my answering machine. I'm not telling anyone what my address in Hong Kong is. Not even Lisa.

The next one is Thomas H Lee Partners. They're located in the building I used to work in when I did my Wall Street thing. Those were the days when I was "missing" from our circle of friends. I have a vague and fuzzy memory of this name and time. What's really sinister about this outfit is that their address, 100 Federal St Boston 35th floor is that the 35th floor of this particular building is a private bar. Lisa and I went to a party there a couple months back. You might have seen the pictures of me with Jimmy Tingle.

The trail dead ends with The Carlisle Group. I hope I don't have to tell you all about their connection to George Herbert Walker Bush and my other Brother-from-another-mother Richard "Dick" Cheney.

If Dunkin Donuts is making money it's potentially on the back of illegal aliens and possibly money laundering. Any news you might be hearing on Fox-25 is likely just smoke screen so no one wonders why they're the only business not going bankrupt. There's a great chapter in "Freakanomics" about how all cash fast food businesses & small town banks can't survive without illegal drugs in the neighborhood. You should also find out what went on in Mena, Arkansas late at night.

Do you think the average middle class Costa Rican or Colombian cares about the narco-trafficking or corruption behind their ruling class either? Or do they like cheap donuts too? Be very afraid.

By the way, my grandmother died.

The Aristocrats!!!

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Friday, January 18, 2008



For my two readers, sorry, you're probably too far away to take advantage of this. For the rest of you, BIG FUCKING NEWS!!!!

Maddies is going out of business tonight.

I'll be there around 4.

$2 beers! $4 drinks.

For those of you who live in civilized places, beers are running around $5.25 here and Apple Watermellon Sour Patch Kids Martinis go for $9 bucks.

Maddies is where the infamous "Himmler was right" night started.

Marblehead where the old saying "this place wouldn't survive without me" turns out to be true every time a good bartender quits.

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Monday, January 14, 2008

What Will It Look Like When It Complies With DOT Regulations

Ask me why I don't think it's street legal. There are folks who think that the new Hummer was inspired by this or this. I think they're afraid of having to compete with this.

I will admit, I hear they're incorporating several features (probably as pricey options) that I'm currently building into my FJ like winches and cameras.

Trail Cam!!! Fuck yeah! A camera showing me where each tire is about travel. I've been trying to scrape together a workable system from commodity components but so far there's nothing close to satisfying my vision at any price.

The skid plate cannot act as a front bumper as designed. It either won't work as a skid plate or it will interfere with the air bag system.

So, OK, yeah, if GM didn't guarantee that you will be purchasing hundreds of little quality control problems and suck worse than a prostitute with fish hook dentures I'd say I wish I didn't have 4 years 9 months to go on my car loan.

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Saturday, January 12, 2008

Get A Haricut, Hippy! And Stay Off My Lawn!

I have to admit it. I don't really find Jack Black funny. Lately I'm really finding him to be annoying.

OK, I get it. You're crazy wild fun. Just try not to seem so rehearsed and calculated when you're out of control.

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Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Burn Down The Fourth Estate

Lisa's grandfather hasn't heard of Ron Paul.

New media only has one shot here.

There are only 80 million of us getting our news from tha internets and teh googles. The rest of the country is still getting their news from Katie Couric and Fox 25.

The Aristocrats!


Monday, January 07, 2008

I'm Really A Teacher Now

The junior class talent show is going to present a skit poking fun at my teaching style and some of the things I've said and done in the classroom. Expect a video. The date of the show is TBD for now.

Hopefully the community will understand the fake rock fakeout, the air horn, the Tesla coil, the Chinese death ray, Conspiracy Theories, Zombies, Grand Theft Auto, and Mr Safety.

Individually they're pretty harmless except for the foul language in the Mr Safety story. Together they make me sound like a dangerous lunatic. I mean it's not like they all happened on one day.

OK, Mr Safety. This is pretty much the way I tell my kids the story. The context is in preparing them, many for the first time, to use a scientific calculator before the first test. I know it's not quite the language I should be using in the classroom but the story looses it's impact if I clean it up. It's not like we took he word 'nigger' out of "The Great Gatsby" and we teach "Glenn Gary, Glenn Ross." (Put that coffee down! What's my name? Fuck you! That's my name.)

The Legend Of Mr. Safety

When I was growing up I didn't like baseball or any other game (what you might call sports) and neither did my dad. He's big ups into camping and the woods and hiking and I'm not. As a bonding thing when I was a kid Dad took me up to this place a bunch of times up in New Hampshire to go paintballing. This was early in the sport when there was only one kind of paintball gun and the only safety equipment was painters goggles. It was long before face armor and gunpowder fired pellets. Back in the 80's before the frat boys started showing up, paintball was pretty much played by law enforcement or former military types and me.

One of the more colorful guys that would show up every week was this grizzled Vietnam Vet who was pretty likeable and not creepy for a guy who still had a mistake eating away at his soul. It was pretty clear something happened that he hadn't forgiven himself for, buddies didn't come back from patrol or something. Whatever. One thing he used to say before every match would be "Don't let Mr. Safety fuck you in the woods." It would be years before I understood what he was talking about.

Know how to use your equipment before you need it and be prepared to use it properly. In other words, the day of the test is not the time to be learning how to use your calculator. One of my top 10 annoyances about the job is the kid, and there's one in every test, who comes up to me asking which button does what. Then the kid proceeds to enter this into the calculator exactly as I have it written here 6.02x10e23!

They don't understand why they got the wrong answer for every question on the test.

Don't let Mr Safety fuck you in the woods.

The kids like the story. For some reason, especially the little wealthy stoners. I wouldn't be surprised if some kid names his bong Mr. Safety.

Then one day one girl asked me if I named my penis "Mr. Safety." All I could do was say no.

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Sunday, January 06, 2008

Call Me

My new phone number for those who want to call me when my computer is online is 011 852 8171 3303. It's a Hong Kong phone number. I'm giving it out to all my business contacts like those credit card weasels who've been selling my name to telemarketers.

You can leave me voice mail when I'm not online.

I love Skype!


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