Saturday, June 30, 2007


Barney has figured out how to open the front door and decided to become an outdoor kitty today. He was out for about 10 minutes before the neighbors free range doggy started chasing him. The twins next door came over and did that creepy twin thing where they speak in unison. "I think your cat got out."

I caught Barney in the hedges next to the house. He was all wigged out by the dog but didn't want to come back inside. He started to turn like he was going to bolt but let me pick him up. He didnt'want to come back in and has spent the rest of the day trying to get back outside.

Lisa is distraught over the thought of Barney running away and getting eaten by the coyote or the fisher cat.

BTW, The duck eggs never hatched.

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Welcome To The Party

It seems to me that I've heard someone say something like this a couple years ago. I wonder who it was and what I said.

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Friday, June 29, 2007

Try Try Again

Lisa and I had no luck with our latest round of baby making.

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Thursday, June 28, 2007

Your Car's Registered In Plaistow. Who Do You Think You're Fooling?

I want to know how many of those .8 deaths per 100 million miles driven died at the hands of some jackass with New Hampshire plates on their car.

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There is a new cat litter box on the market that I'm very tempted to try. As you may know, I'm a big fan of robot slaves that do my bidding. Visitors to my house seldom leave without seeing the robot claw machine that cleans Barney's cat box. This morning I saw the ad on TV for the Cat Genie and immediately checked out the website. I'm very curious to see how the Cat Genie works, if at all. Then on the website I see this picture. Something about the look on the cats face makes me laugh.

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Tuesday, June 26, 2007

That Takes Care Of The First Ammendment

Children cannot be allowed to advocate any viewpoint the principal disagrees with.

What bothers me the most about this story is not that the kid disrupted a school approved event. Allowing classes to go outside while the Olympic Torch ran by did not fully cancel the school day. Unfurling the banner was a provocative act and the kid got called out on it. What bothers me is the implication that the kid was a troublemaker and so had no expectation of a fair trial. It all comes down to this statement in the article "Frederick, who had had previous disciplinary problems at school."

Frederick was a nail that stuck out. The Supreme Court has given carte blanche for school administrators to bring out the hammers.

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Monday, June 25, 2007


I love the smell of Deep Woods Off. It makes me happy in ways that few other things do. What's your favorite summer time smell?

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Saturday, June 23, 2007

This One's Sure To Offend

Here's another installment of Dean Answers Dear Abby Letters.

Read the letter from Jesse in Burbank.

Dear Jesse,

How big are your tits?



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Friday, June 22, 2007

Vacation Is All I Ever Wanted

Schools is out. I'm drinking beer in my hammock. I'm watching movies on Lisa's widescreen laptop.

I'm watching the "The Warriors".

Why didn't they just get into a cab?

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Friday, June 15, 2007

Smart Girls

Winnie Cooper from "The Wonder Years"

Blossom from "Blossom"

I was going to do a story about child actresses who don't end up in porn but then I ran accros this post.

I'm not going to go into how fucked up this guy is in assuming that IVF isn't Gods will. Perhaps the Grand Architect of the Universe has decided that it's time for mankind to use the gift of his science to solve infertility. It's no matter that no one knows how many embryos fertalize naturally and fail to implant compared to those embryos that are counted in the lab.

If I knew how hard it would be to have children I would have started much earlier in life. The overwhelming message from the media is to have an education and career in place and start a family later in life. For many women who buy into that message they find out the painfully hard way that it's too late to have a family.

Our culture infantalizes our children until well into their most fertile time frame. No beer for a teenager who just held his buddy in his arms while he dies in the dusty streets of Kandahar. That boy is a MAN. He deserves a beer more then I do and a job where he can support a family when he marries his high school sweetheart. Instead he has to wait until he's 21 for that beer. His girlfriend is going to college because she knows she'll have to get a job that pays more then minimum wage just to keep the family afloat. There's no time for her to have babies. It will be years before her boyfriend is home and finished college. It will be years before that couple can afford to have children. Hopefully she'll still be fertile when her college loans are paid off.

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Thursday, June 14, 2007

Quick One

Lisa has 3 embryos working their way up whatever they work their way up.

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No Way, Not Even With Cleavage!

If you're a die hard GenX'r who remembers the little show which preceded "Freaks and Geeks" that I like to call "Square Pegs" and you live in Comcast land, look in the Tube Time section of OnDemand.

Now if only they'd show "Delta House", "San Pedro Beach Bums", the ripoff of "Fast Times At Ridgemont High" called "Fast Times" and "Parker Lewis Can't Lose".

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Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Two Things

OK I was thinking which is never a good thing.

1) Why doesn't IMDB have a button to click to put a movie at the top of my Netflix Que? It seems like such a no fucking brainer. I know there's an Amazon link to buy the movie but let's get real here, who could benefit more from a link?

2) Fuck the iPhone. I want my 'Get Smart' shoe phone.

And isn't it the twenty first century? I believe I was promised rocket packs and flying cars by now! Where the fuck is my rocket pack and flying car?

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No one came up with squeaky voiced zombies demanding brains but one kid did list "World Domination" for the secret formula for Coca-Cola.

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Saturday, June 09, 2007

City Of Lights

When they came for the Jews I said nothing

Paris Hilton is in jail. She's in jail for violating probation. Her probation was for driving the car she owns and pays taxes on over roads that are funded by the taxes she pays. Before you go on about how the rich have tax shelters remember the roads are funded by taxes on gasoline that even the rich haven't figured out how to dodge at the pump.

She violated probation given for a DUI stop where she blew 0.08 on a machine of very dubius scientific merit. Point Oh Eight for those of you who don't know is for a 110 pound woman one glass of wine. Not one of those 6oz glasses that we're taught at Tips Training to believe is the same as one shot of wiskey. It's one of those 8oz glasses that a restaurant actually serves. You know the oversized fishbowls with little stems that impress young couples out on a date.

For the crime of drinking less then the average american drinks Paris is suffering in the nice cell in a minimum security facility. So if you hate her and think she's a stuck up cunt who wastes her life partying and making an ass of herself that's fine. But why do people think she deserves prison rape for being Paris Hilton? It seems like cruel and unusual punishment for engaging in behavior I know many of my closest friends have done themselves.

Hopefully Paris won't become a recidivist and graduate to bigger crimes like telling lies that kill 3500 young americans in 4 years. She might be rewarded with a juicy contract from Haliburton.


Friday, June 08, 2007

What Ever Happened To Chuck Cunningham?

Why does Ron Howard have such a fascination with Ivy League professors who hallucinate a lot?



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OK, Here's One More

The first question of a 4 question final exam for my Freshmen Physics class.

What did we study all year and what did you learn? Please give specific examples.

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Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Final Exam Time

Real questions from my chemistry final exam. Can you answer them?


What is the formula for heavy water?

A number without ______ is _______.

Zombies have no body temperature and are cold blooded. Their temperature is whatever the ambient temperature is. Imagine you have a Star Trek transporter and beam 100 zombies into an airtight container full of helium. Would the temperature in the container rise or fall? Explain why.

____ _____ __________-___________

And my favorite:

What is the secret formula for Coca-Cola?

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Monday, June 04, 2007

I Feel So Much Safer

Yesterday I went to Target. I bought 36 explosive devices and a video game. The teenage girl at the cash register very politely asked me to see my drivers license. As I handed it to her she said it was to buy the video game.

I'm just glad that this turned out to be a non-issue.

BTW can anyone guess why I labled this post "School Shootings?"

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Friday, June 01, 2007

I Don't Know What To Do

Right now, as I type this, both Road House and Dirty Dancing are on cable. If only the great Charles Nelson Reilly would offer me a sign from above, which movie should I watch.

Did I mention I'm drunk right now.

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