Monday, July 28, 2008

The Big Apple

I feel bad for Steve Jobs. He's one of the greatest assholes who ever lived. Apple computer wouldn't be insanely great if he wasn't at the helm. Just look at what happened when he was gone and how that all turned around when he returned. I hope his cancer is treated and he survives. Apple will survive without him. Not as insanely greatly as the last decade has been but Apple holds a niche that will be hard to break.

If Jobs doesn't want to talk about his health that's his business not Wall Streets. Personally, I think Jobs is going to beat the cancer. I hear he's just the kind of asshole who is unstoppable. If not I still think Apple is a "Buy and Hold" and Jobs health is none of my concern.


Wednesday, July 23, 2008

What I Did During My Summer Vacation

I watched movies. Can you guess which one?

There is no way she drove a manual transmission in those heels.

That’s the band in “From Dusk Til Dawn”.

He’s got a PhD in kicking ass but he can’t kick cancer.

That means “Two Shits”.

You can’t just give someone a car by handing them keys. The registry will want some paperwork to back up the transaction.

I’d like to see her get nipple to nipple.

Ha Ha Ha. It’s funny because a blind guy can’t really see.

That’s called foreshadowing.

Aren’t there police in this town?

That’s his new beater? I want a car that nice.

Because above every barn there’s a palatial paradise with a lake view.

I swear it’s an amazing coincidence that the villain lives across the lake from the protagonist.

The table had it coming.

I’d finish.

Oh that explains why he bought new tires.

Take your heels off before you get into the pool.

Man ass.

There’s no way a floor to ceiling window with no safety rail is up to code even in Missouri.

I would have let him hit me and then sued him for his helicopter.

That’s the prettiest thug I’ve ever seen. So homo erotic it makes me question my own masculinity.

I want one of those trike ATV bikes. Quads are for pussies.

Why doesn’t someone bring a gun to all these knife fights. It’s Missouri for crisakes. They give school children guns.

Hollywood ugly is when they put glasses on someone hot.

“Nobody ever wins a fight.”

And then for no reason they throw in a monster truck full of gay hitmen. This movie is fucking awesome.

So I get it. The story arc is plot with Dalton then there’s gay hitmen then topless women then more plot then a musical interlude in the bar followed by a fight. Repeat.

Is she wearing a table cloth?

Wow take off the glasses and she’s hot!

Did she get tanner on the drive from the cafe to the parking lot?

He’s got a whole farm, why is he lying on a broken window?

Who needs two pool tables?

That Fotomat was a lasting investment wasn’t it?

A new sign attracts a line out the door.

They even hired a black guy to show things are changed.

It’s been a while where are the topless sluts and what is this business of a musical interlude without a bar fight?

What is up with the 50’s music soundtrack? You’ve got John Doe in the cast why couldn’t you get him to write a song for the film? “Johnny Hit and Run Pauline” would be slammin during the love scene.

Oooh girl ass.

Wait, wasn’t Sam Elliot in this movie?

Oh, that’s who taught him the knee trick.

I’d prefer my physician to have more than a couple hours sleep.

OK there’s music in the bar so there should be a fight in a moment.

How does he play the guitar like it’s a piano?

And Red’s place moved across town so that it could be right out front so you could run out and look when it blows up.

I wouldn’t have let her get on the stage in the first place.

Again, it’s Missouri, where are all the guns? Oh there’s one.

The fighting, it’s almost like Ballet.

So fucking guys in prison is kind of gay isn’t it? I mean I called it right the first time, didn’t I?

There’s that neck thing that was foreshadowed at the beginning.

Come on, why can’t you be cool about this?

So was it Wade or Elizabeth?

Why didn’t you bring him with you since he’s obviously not safe at the bar alone.

Now everybody has guns.

Awww he loved that car.

The knife is a message.

Two guys with white shirts and jeans fighting. I don’t know which is the bad guy.

Is that Bob Rooney from “Married With Children”?

It’s a dead bear. It’s falling forward. Just take one step to the left

I want a room full of things that I’ve killed.

I think it was Oscar Wilde who said that you can’t have a glassed topped coffee table in the first act without dropping the villains dead body through it before the end of the movie.

“A polar bear fell on me.”

Did anyone ever pull the dead guy out of that lake?

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Sunday, July 20, 2008

Tomb of the Unknown Comic

OK, I admit it. I loved 'The Gong Show' when I was a kid. I didn't understand half of the raunchy humor but I loved the look of disappointment on peoples faces when they got gonged. Didn't those people know they sucked? I was only 7 but I could tell they were terrible. They were adults they should have known better.

The other night I caught the last 10 minutes of the new Gong Show hosted by Dave Attel. I like Dave Attel in small doses. I liked his last show where he wandered around strange cities at night. I'm one degree of separation from him and hear he's really a nice guy back stage.

The new version had Andy Dick, Dave Navarro and some black guy I've never heard of as judges. It's not clear to me who is JP Morgan and who is Jamie Farr. I don't see the new show lasting very long. I came in during the midget wrestling bit and from then on nobody got gonged.

God damn it. I wish I was Dave Navarro. Show ends and he just starts making out with some random stripper. Dave Attel is standing there hamfisted announcing some crap, I don't even remember and Dave Navarro is half way to third base. He's not even surprised that some random slut is kissing him, like it happens two or three times a day. It probably does. Damn. I really wish I was Dave Navarro.

Before you get upset with me, especially you Adorable GF, and say "What about Lisa?" I know for a fact that Lisa wishes I was Dave Navarro too.

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Thursday, July 10, 2008

OK Because You Asked For It

Yes Beverly Farms had a 'Horribles Parade' where some of the floats were more brazenly sexual than funny. Unless you're a certain Mr. Funk you're probably a resident of the NoSho and are already sick of hearing about condoms full of candy and sluts. As if one could ever truly lose interest in hearing about sluts.

My favorite take on this story comes from the Salem Daily News/Gloucester Daily Times/Lawrence Eagle Tribune family of newspapers.
The people on the float probably considered it "risqué and funny, like 'Saturday Night Live' when it first came out," Ray said.
That kind of says a lot about Saturday Night Live today, doesn't it?

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Monday, July 07, 2008

Describe What's Going On In This Picture And Win A Prize

The picture is from the white board in my classroom during a test review. It's a pictorial representation of one of the test questions. Guess what the question was asking and I'll give you a prize. I'll give you a hint, there's a transporter beam involved.

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Sunday, July 06, 2008

It's Not Xbox's Fault This Time

For those of you wondering where I’ve been since the close of the school year, here goes. In a hammock in the back yard drinking beer. For most of you who know me this will come as no surprise. However not all of that time was spent goofing off. Much of it was spent convalescing from a fall through my deck. I would like to take this moment to briefly say that the new Beverly Hospital emergency room system is way better then the old one. I limped in there and was out in a leg brace in less than an hour. That included X-rays and a very short wait in a private room. The new ER was money well spent despite the fact that it took 3 years to build.

My immediate plans include more hammock time and probably fixing the hole in the deck.

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