Sometimes People Just Explode

This is either going to be awesome or suck beyond belief and thoroughly and inexorably link that suckitude to the original.

New Feature

Been a while. Both since a new post and also since I added a new feature to the ol' Dean Rules!

It's called "Dean Finds A Continuity Error" and it works like this. I spot a cut in a movie where something is impossibly different from the moment before it. I get to brag about my cleverness.

The first one comes from the fine motion picture "The Legend of Bagger Vance". In the scene where Matt Damon first picks up the golf clubs and goes out in the back yard to practice hitting we see him drop a small bag of clubs. We see the clubs on the ground and Damon's character pulls a club out of the bag. The club coming out of the bag is a wood but in the next jump cut Damon is holding an iron.

I rule!

What I Did During My Summer Vacation

I watched movies. Can you guess which one?

There is no way she drove a manual transmission in those heels.

That’s the band in “From Dusk Til Dawn”.

He’s got a PhD in kicking ass but he can’t kick cancer.

That means “Two Shits”.

You can’t just give someone a car by handing them keys. The registry will want some paperwork to back up the transaction.

I’d like to see her get nipple to nipple.

Ha Ha Ha. It’s funny because a blind guy can’t really see.

That’s called foreshadowing.

Aren’t there police in this town?

That’s his new beater? I want a car that nice.

Because above every barn there’s a palatial paradise with a lake view.

I swear it’s an amazing coincidence that the villain lives across the lake from the protagonist.

The table had it coming.

I’d finish.

Oh that explains why he bought new tires.

Take your heels off before you get into the pool.

Man ass.

There’s no way a floor to ceiling window with no safety rail is up to code even in Missouri.

I would have let him hit me and then sued him for his helicopter.

That’s the prettiest thug I’ve ever seen. So homo erotic it makes me question my own masculinity.

I want one of those trike ATV bikes. Quads are for pussies.

Why doesn’t someone bring a gun to all these knife fights. It’s Missouri for crisakes. They give school children guns.

Hollywood ugly is when they put glasses on someone hot.

“Nobody ever wins a fight.”

And then for no reason they throw in a monster truck full of gay hitmen. This movie is fucking awesome.

So I get it. The story arc is plot with Dalton then there’s gay hitmen then topless women then more plot then a musical interlude in the bar followed by a fight. Repeat.

Is she wearing a table cloth?

Wow take off the glasses and she’s hot!

Did she get tanner on the drive from the cafe to the parking lot?

He’s got a whole farm, why is he lying on a broken window?

Who needs two pool tables?

That Fotomat was a lasting investment wasn’t it?

A new sign attracts a line out the door.

They even hired a black guy to show things are changed.

It’s been a while where are the topless sluts and what is this business of a musical interlude without a bar fight?

What is up with the 50’s music soundtrack? You’ve got John Doe in the cast why couldn’t you get him to write a song for the film? “Johnny Hit and Run Pauline” would be slammin during the love scene.

Oooh girl ass.

Wait, wasn’t Sam Elliot in this movie?

Oh, that’s who taught him the knee trick.

I’d prefer my physician to have more than a couple hours sleep.

OK there’s music in the bar so there should be a fight in a moment.

How does he play the guitar like it’s a piano?

And Red’s place moved across town so that it could be right out front so you could run out and look when it blows up.

I wouldn’t have let her get on the stage in the first place.

Again, it’s Missouri, where are all the guns? Oh there’s one.

The fighting, it’s almost like Ballet.

So fucking guys in prison is kind of gay isn’t it? I mean I called it right the first time, didn’t I?

There’s that neck thing that was foreshadowed at the beginning.

Come on, why can’t you be cool about this?

So was it Wade or Elizabeth?

Why didn’t you bring him with you since he’s obviously not safe at the bar alone.

Now everybody has guns.

Awww he loved that car.

The knife is a message.

Two guys with white shirts and jeans fighting. I don’t know which is the bad guy.

Is that Bob Rooney from “Married With Children”?

It’s a dead bear. It’s falling forward. Just take one step to the left

I want a room full of things that I’ve killed.

I think it was Oscar Wilde who said that you can’t have a glassed topped coffee table in the first act without dropping the villains dead body through it before the end of the movie.

“A polar bear fell on me.”

Did anyone ever pull the dead guy out of that lake?

Questions Only A Generation Xer Ever Asked

Nothing but love from me if you know what I'm talking about. My money is on Zack or Paul getting this one.

They hit me just as hard as I hit them why don't they die too?

A hint in the labels and the answer in the comments section.

Get A Haricut, Hippy! And Stay Off My Lawn!

I have to admit it. I don't really find Jack Black funny. Lately I'm really finding him to be annoying.

OK, I get it. You're crazy wild fun. Just try not to seem so rehearsed and calculated when you're out of control.

Thank You

No Time For Love Doctor Jones!

I haven't really been watching TV much. I'm paying a stinking fortune to those bastards at Comcast for internet and HBO, Skinemax, Starz, Showtime, Encore and The Movie Channel. I don't watch much. Usually if I get that kind of time I fall asleep. I'm still working more 36 hour days then I should. Last week I fell asleep behind the wheel twice. Both times I woke up inches away from side swiping a parked car.

I got a full nights sleep two nights in a row this weekend yet tonight I fell asleep during The Simpsons. I think it was because they've become quite boring. I don't expect The Simpsons to ever be as funny as the Connan O'Brian years but lately they haven't been funny at all. One thing I have been watching lately has been foreign horror and Britcoms.

I have to blame the writers for this. If I remember correctly, The Simpsons is the one show that the writers have control over. Producers aren't allowed to bring "notes" or screw with scripts that have passed "standards". It's uncharacteristically un-republican of me to say this but I support the writers decision to strike. I hope they get fair treatment. I'm sorry the grips, gaffers and other crew are feeling collateral damages but they wouldn't have a job in the first place if the writers didn't camp out at 18th Street Coffee House in front of their laptop. The make-up girl is still going to collect a paycheck regardless of whether I watch "The Office" through my cable connection to the TV set or watch "The Office" through my cable connection to my PowerBook. However, only one path between the writers fingers to my eyeball compensates the writer. That's what this is about.

That's why the writers have their own union in the first place. They were smart enough to know that the Teamsters weren't going to get them a better deal. If the Best Boy wants a residual check maybe he needs to join a union that fights for a better cut of the paycheck. I hear the crew complaining about the writers but what they really need might not be a union that fights for the right to stand around doing nothing but keep the clock running while the director waits for magic hour. I don't blame the studio for layoffs. If you want residual payments too you should elect union reps who are, you know, smart. Maybe Joe Bob was great at swinging a hammer and did great at woodshop in high school but he's out gunned in the frontal lobes when negotiating with front office management that requires an Ivy League degree to be the mail clerk.

No one complained when musicians demanded the same royalty for CD's that they used to get for VINYL platters. Name the last 12 inch diameter black disk you purchased. Admit it, you paused for more then a second. You paused two seconds if you thought that 'S' was a 'C'. It's been that long since records were sold that way. I'll bet you a copy of "Little Miss Sunshine" on VHS that you can't find it.

Writers aren't stupid. They have enough vision to see what's coming around the bend. They have to be smart or they don't get paid. This strike isn't about their greed today it's about knowing when one medium is dead and acknowledging when new technology is taking over.

So maybe American TV isn't worth watching. It's been that way since Philo T Farnsworth first shot electrons through a tube. I've been watching season 6 of The Simpsons in my classroom after school. Listening really, as I set up for labs. I'm thinking of having my Netflixs sent to the school. Maybe abandoning the airwaves will be a good thing. Without the FCC and "Standards & Practice" telling writers what they can write they might have something worthwhile to say. I'd actually miss TV. In the mean time, does anyone remember the '88 writers strike? I vaguely remember that episode of Moonlighting where they ran short so Bruce Willis just sang to Cybil Shepard for 10 minutes?

Dear Netflix

Thanks for nothing cocksuckers. I hear that you won't let me use the 17 hours of streaming video because the Macintosh doesn't have a DRM scheme to your liking. So instead of giving me a few bucks off for my hassle I get shafted while you give access to Windows PC users. I am glad to see that your protection scheme is so strong it's hacker proof. It's great to know that you're relying on bloated featureless crap to show your best face to the public. It might interest you to know that I can run WinXP on my Mac and tried out your service. I think the reason you don't want the Mac fouling up your downloads is that Mac users expect elegance while the movies you delivered to me looked like shit. It's better to ignore us then insult us with crap. Maybe that is a good strategy on your part.

As for my 17 hours each month. If you're not going to give me an extra movie or lift my throttle could I donate my time to an orphanage for blind children?

Yours Sincerely,

Dean

What Ever Happened To Chuck Cunningham?

Why does Ron Howard have such a fascination with Ivy League professors who hallucinate a lot?

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I Don't Know What To Do

Right now, as I type this, both Road House and Dirty Dancing are on cable. If only the great Charles Nelson Reilly would offer me a sign from above, which movie should I watch.

Did I mention I'm drunk right now.

About Yesterdays Post

I can't wait for "Fight Club 2: On The Road To Santa Fe".

A film about zombies attacking all of England lends itself to telling thousands of stories. I've always wanted to see what happened to the cops that were taking a boat up the river in the original "Dawn of the Dead". You remember the the ones looking for cigarettes. In the European release of the DotD that was one of the scenes that ran longer. You got to see what was going on and why the radio operator was dead. I wonder if the other cops ever got to "the islands... any island." They kind of settle what could possibly go wrong on an island at the end of the remake but still, I wonder what happened to the cops.

"Trainspotting 2" just seems like it's going to be watch Renton sell out, settle down to a life of cars, toasters, big screen televisions and "mind numbing spirit crushing game shows" and becoming an embarrasment to the brats he's spawned to replace himself.

And it's Robert Carlyle, the guy who played Begbe that's in "28 Weeks Later". He was the guy in "The Full Monty" and that James Bond movie, the one I don't have... "The World Is Not Enough." He was also in "Formula 51" but I'm the only person I know who's seen that movie. Even the guys I went to see that movie with don't remember seeing it.