Been There, Done That

While we're on the topic of Wall Street, this is called a "dickshark":

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Buy A Decent Suit, You Can't Come In Here Like This. Go To Morty Sills, Tell Him I Sent You

Yesterday I posted about my new hero in life, Andrew "Fucking!" Lahde.

Meritocracy. Say it out loud with me. MERITOCRACY. I remember when America was one. I was once part of one. Fuck. It's been 13 years. I think GE will let me talk about it now and if they don't want me talking then show me the paperwork and I'll give back the $2000.

Here's something that most people don't know about me. Even people who I grew up with don't really know this about me. For those of my 2 readers who remember me when I was "missing" this is where I was.

Once upon a time I was a young man who barely made it through high school. When kids grow up they dream of running away and joining the circus. I dreamed of running away and joining Hollywood. I ended up missing Hollywood by 3000 miles. Unfortunately for me my family wasted all of it's political potential long before I was born. After knocking around for a couple months after high school I lucked my way into the mail room at the Boston office for a stock brokerage. The company was Kidder, Peabody and Co. Inc. In the interest of brevity I'll simply say it was the last of the old money firms. They let me in the back door through the mail room in 1988. I weathered the Ivan Boesky/Michael Milken insider trading scandal. I was on the floor watching the GNP tick off the charts when the Barbarians pounded down the gates at RJ Reynolds.

I worked hard. I started at $12,000 a year. I doubled it quickly. I got promoted to the sales floor as an assistant broker. I was the last person Kidder, Peabody ever promoted from the mail room to the floor. The sales manager started training me to take the Series 7 exam.

Then this asshole fucked it all up. GE pulled the plug on Kidder and sold out to PaineWebber. PW immediately showed up and generally announced that if you didn't have an MBA you should hit the bricks. I didn't have a college degree. I still don't have an MBA after 26 years of schooling. I'm not stupid. I knew any asshole with a computer and 5 minutes free time could do what I did. I hate being right all the time.

A bunch of dicks with old boy network connections started making wrong decisions. Eventually PW got bought out by UBS. UBS is currently under FBI investigation for tax evasion.

Kidder, Peabody was a meritocracy when I started. Then the Baby Boomers took over when the OLD money retired. But that's a story for another day.

EPILOGUE: I made the front page of The Wall Street Journal October 20, 1995. I'm not the only person I know personally who made the front page but I am the only one who didn't get there as the result of a scandal.

Greed Is Good

Ever wonder why fund managers can't beat the S&P 500? 'Cause they're sheep -- and the sheep get slaughtered. I been in the business since '69. Most of these Harvard MBA types don't add up to dog shit. Give me guys that are poor smart and hungry and no feelings. You win a few, lose a few, you keep on fighting... I got 20 other brokers analyzing charts, pal. I don't need another one.

Gordon Gekko

I have a new hero in life and his name is Andrew Lahde!

I Have Even Less In Life To Complain About

I have tickets to see The Dead Milkmen play in Philadelphia in 2 weeks. It's an all ages show at the Unitarian Church so I'm going to be all like right next to them.

And I just bought tickets to a secret show on 10/25. It's gonna be an all Dead Milkmen weekend for me and the Mrs!

Nothing Changes

One of these photographs was taken 15 years ago. The other one appeared in the New York Times yesterday. They're both starving children. Both from Western Africa. Both depending on UN food aid for survival. No one knows what happened to the baby dying in the field. Not even the photographer who won the 1994 Pulitzer Prize for taking the picture.

I don't know what's going to happen to that baby in the tent. It's even more horrific though. This baby has made it to the place where food should be. This baby's fate isn't going to be as solitary as the others. That hand in the picture belongs to the baby's mother. She'll watch her child die.

I have no right to complain about anything in my life.

Dean Argues With Eliza

Two years before I was born a computer program called Eliza was written to simulate how computers and humans may someday communicate. The program was simple. It recognized some parts of speech and would construct responses from a database of potential statements. The program crudely simulated a session with a psychologist. That it vaguely responds like a person was enough for computer science students at the time to embrace it as the beginnings of AI. The program was successful at completing it's stated function but how people reacted to it couldn't be predicted. Most people found it a neat curiosity. Yet some interactions with Eliza really surprised the programmers. A small handful of geeks back in the early days of computing began to trust Eliza as their confessor and shrink in ways they never would trust a human.

Then there are guys like me. I first heard about Eliza when I was one of the many 12 year olds with a ZX81 or Commodore-64 terrorizing adults with our mystical arcane understanding of the machines that rule the world. This is what we did with Eliza.

>> Hello.
How do you do. Please state your problem.
>> I hate you
Perhaps in your fantasies we hate each other.
>> No I really hate you
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> No
You are being a bit negative.
>> can you elaborate on that
You believe I can elaborate on that don't you ?
>> no
Why not ?
>> you suck
We were discussing you -- not me.
>> No we were clearly discussing you.
Why 'no' ?
>> because that's the proper word
Is that the real reason ?
>> no
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> not at all
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> you never will
Oh, I never will ?
>> huh
Please go on.
>> no you
Why not ?
>> huh
What does that suggest to you ?
>> that you have no fucking clue what you're talking about
What makes you think I am talking about ?
>> huh
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> no
Why 'no' ?
>> because that's the proper word for that statement.
Don't any other reasons come to mind ?
>> not really
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> that's great because I have no idea what you're talking about
Does that reason seem to explain anything else ?
>> that you suck
You're not really talking about me -- are you ?
>> yes
You seem to be quite positive.
>> no
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> yes
You are sure.
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> huh
Please go on.
>> why
Why do you ask ?
>> why do you ask
Does that question interest you ?
>> does that question interest you
What are your feelings now ?
>> what are your feelings now
What is it you really wanted to know ?
>> what is it you really wanted to know
Are such questions much on your mind ?
>> are such questions much on your mind
Did you think they might not be such questions much on my mind ?
>> huh
What does that suggest to you ?
>> what the fuck are you talking about
What answer would please you most ?
>> one that clears up the confusion
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> no
Why not ?
>> because you suck
What other reasons might there be ?
>> that's pretty much it
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> that
Please go on.
>> that's great because I have no fucking clue what you're talking about
Is that the real reason ?
>> yes
I see.
>> do you
We were discussing you -- not me.
>> no we are clearly discussing you.
Why 'no' ?
>> huh
What does that suggest to you ?
>> that you suck
Oh, I suck ?
>> yes you do
I understand.
>> good. now we're getting somewhere
Do you feel strongly about discussing such things ?
>> no
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> yes
You seem to be quite positive.
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> yes
You are sure.
>> no
Why not ?
>> huh
I'm not sure I understand you fully.
>> that's great because i have no idea what the fuck you're talking about
Don't any other reasons come to mind ?
>> no
Why 'no' ?
>> huh
Please go on.
>> you make my balls itch
Your balls itch ?
>> yes they do
I see.
>> would you like to see my balls?
Why do you say your balls ?
>> cause they're not anyone elses balls.
Does that have anything to do with the fact that your balls itch ?
>> yes everything!
I understand.
>> great
But your balls .
>> no my balls not my ass.
Does that suggest anything else which belongs to you ?
>> my peepee
Is it important that your peepee ?
>> that my peepee what?
Your peepee what ?
>> huh
But your balls not your ass .
>> butterballs?
Earlier you said your peepee .
>> yes i did
You seem to be quite positive.
>> i am
Is it because you are that you came to me ?
>> I want you to scratch my balls
Why do you say your balls ?
>> because they're mine not yours.
Does that reason seem to explain anything else ?
>> that you have no balls.
You're not really talking about me -- are you ?
>> I am talking about you not having balls and me having big ones.
How long have you been talking about I not having balls and you having big ones ?
>> about 2 minutes
Earlier you said your peepee what .
>> huh
Lets discuss further why your balls .
>> why my balls do what?
Does that suggest anything else which belongs to you ?
>> huh
Lets discuss further why your balls do what .
>> What
What do you think ?
>> I think my balls itch
Is it important that your balls itch ?
>> No quite the opposite.
Are you saying no just to be negative?
>> no
You are being a bit negative.
>> How can I be negative when the correct response is not in the affirmative?
What comes to mind when you ask that ?
>> how itchy my balls are.
Your balls are ?
>> Yes they ARE!
You are sure.
>> YES
I see.
>> Do you want to see my balls?
Why do you say your balls ?
>> Because they're my balls.
Does that suggest anything else which belongs to you ?
>> Yes my ass.
Is it important that your ass ?
>> My ass what?
Your ass what ?
>> My ass what?
Why do you say your ass what ?
>> Because you make no sense. Then you're going to say we're discussing me not you and then we'll get caught into this fucking loop of insanity where I'll say something juvenile and potty mouthed just to get you to repeat it.
What other reasons might there be ?