When In The Course Of Human Events...

Between TSA thugs and militarized police forces jackbooting around where's the little guy going to go for some liberty? I don't know about that. I do know that we're getting tired of being pushed around. The police haven't learned dick since they got caught doing what they do every day to Rodney King. We're tired of getting fucked with. We're getting desperate for our jobs, or families security and realizing just exactly who is responsible for fucking with us. Cops, you're tools of the man. Since you're not here to protect me stay out of my way. You will say yes sir to me, not the other way around. In fact simply not behaving like criminals or an occupying army will go along way to ensuring your safety. Some of us might be feeling desperate enough to stop taking your shit.

Papers Please

The State of Hawaii is considering a law that will, if enacted, ruin tourism. It seems that in order to stamp out uninsured drivers they're going to require identity papers and permission slips before you can purchase gasoline. Now the first thing that comes to my mind is that not every last drop of gasoline purchased goes to the automobile. If I'm riding a moped or want to mow the lawn or use the weed wacker I'm fucked. No insurance card needed for those activities so no gasoline for me. And I'm totally fucked if I want gasoline for the backup electric generator I keep for my continuous home oxygen machine.

As proposed the law does not take into consideration the rent-a-car business. I'm sure they'll be noticing this and get the law changed so that they can issue temporary cards. They will definitely make it so that only their insurance rider will count. This will kill the credit card waiver or for guys like me whose regular policy will cover a rental car. We'll be forced to tack on the $15 per day extra. Market forces will drive tourism down. Why go to Hawaii where a rent-a-car, and now an expensive rent-a-car, is a necessity when you can go elsewhere and save.

But what this will really do to kill the tourism industry is what's scary. Driving without insurance makes one an outlaw. Now it can be argued that such antisocial behavior is benign but I don't believe so. It doesn't take much for some folks to go from thinking the law doesn't apply to me to thinking they can get away with more. Tourists with rented cars are already a target for theft or worse. Now with the insurance gasoline card boondoggle they'll be even more of a target.

How this will just paint a bigger target on the tourist. Mr. Criminal wakes up one morning and thinks "Hmmm who can I rip off today?" Then he remembers there's no gas in the car. So instead of the elderly woman with a spaghetti strap purse he goes looking for a tourist with a gas card first off.

The easy fix for me the well informed traveler is to avoid Hawaii. I just hope I'm not kidnapped walking out of the Cold Stone in Santa Fe. But I digress.

The other unintended consequence of this law will be a surge in black market gasoline. From the friend asking a friend to go fill their car for them to families making sure they have at least one car insured (minimum, no collision, high deductible) and into more outright profiteering. I'll make a fortune selling gas cans full of water with just a thin layer of gasoline on top so when my customer sniffs it they'll think it's real.

Or I'll switch to a diesel car and buy a lot of #2 fuel oil "for-the-house." It's already a cheaper alternative to gasoline right now anyway.

And come on! Really? Do you want to fuck up your tourism industry even more than TSA?

Buy A Decent Suit, You Can't Come In Here Like This. Go To Morty Sills, Tell Him I Sent You

Yesterday I posted about my new hero in life, Andrew "Fucking!" Lahde.

Meritocracy. Say it out loud with me. MERITOCRACY. I remember when America was one. I was once part of one. Fuck. It's been 13 years. I think GE will let me talk about it now and if they don't want me talking then show me the paperwork and I'll give back the $2000.

Here's something that most people don't know about me. Even people who I grew up with don't really know this about me. For those of my 2 readers who remember me when I was "missing" this is where I was.

Once upon a time I was a young man who barely made it through high school. When kids grow up they dream of running away and joining the circus. I dreamed of running away and joining Hollywood. I ended up missing Hollywood by 3000 miles. Unfortunately for me my family wasted all of it's political potential long before I was born. After knocking around for a couple months after high school I lucked my way into the mail room at the Boston office for a stock brokerage. The company was Kidder, Peabody and Co. Inc. In the interest of brevity I'll simply say it was the last of the old money firms. They let me in the back door through the mail room in 1988. I weathered the Ivan Boesky/Michael Milken insider trading scandal. I was on the floor watching the GNP tick off the charts when the Barbarians pounded down the gates at RJ Reynolds.

I worked hard. I started at $12,000 a year. I doubled it quickly. I got promoted to the sales floor as an assistant broker. I was the last person Kidder, Peabody ever promoted from the mail room to the floor. The sales manager started training me to take the Series 7 exam.

Then this asshole fucked it all up. GE pulled the plug on Kidder and sold out to PaineWebber. PW immediately showed up and generally announced that if you didn't have an MBA you should hit the bricks. I didn't have a college degree. I still don't have an MBA after 26 years of schooling. I'm not stupid. I knew any asshole with a computer and 5 minutes free time could do what I did. I hate being right all the time.

A bunch of dicks with old boy network connections started making wrong decisions. Eventually PW got bought out by UBS. UBS is currently under FBI investigation for tax evasion.

Kidder, Peabody was a meritocracy when I started. Then the Baby Boomers took over when the OLD money retired. But that's a story for another day.

EPILOGUE: I made the front page of The Wall Street Journal October 20, 1995. I'm not the only person I know personally who made the front page but I am the only one who didn't get there as the result of a scandal.

Greed Is Good

Ever wonder why fund managers can't beat the S&P 500? 'Cause they're sheep -- and the sheep get slaughtered. I been in the business since '69. Most of these Harvard MBA types don't add up to dog shit. Give me guys that are poor smart and hungry and no feelings. You win a few, lose a few, you keep on fighting... I got 20 other brokers analyzing charts, pal. I don't need another one.

Gordon Gekko

I have a new hero in life and his name is Andrew Lahde!

Suddenly All Of My Problems Seem Meaningless

From Rolling Stone:

In the Rolling Stone article, Letterman discusses guests including Madonna, Oprah Winfrey and Howard Stern, with the most moving remarks about musician Warren Zevon, who appeared on "Late Show" shortly before his 2003 death from cancer.

Letterman recalled his "heartbreaking" meeting with Zevon in a dressing room after the show.

"Here's a guy who had months to live and we're making small talk. And as we're talking, he's taking his guitar strap and hooking it, wrapping it around, then he puts the guitar into the case and he flips the snaps on the case and says, `Here, I want you to have this, take good care of it.' And I just started sobbing.

"He was giving me the guitar that he always used on the show. I felt like, `I can't be in this movie, I didn't get my lines.' That was very tough," Letterman said.

Tomb of the Unknown Comic

OK, I admit it. I loved 'The Gong Show' when I was a kid. I didn't understand half of the raunchy humor but I loved the look of disappointment on peoples faces when they got gonged. Didn't those people know they sucked? I was only 7 but I could tell they were terrible. They were adults they should have known better.

The other night I caught the last 10 minutes of the new Gong Show hosted by Dave Attel. I like Dave Attel in small doses. I liked his last show where he wandered around strange cities at night. I'm one degree of separation from him and hear he's really a nice guy back stage.

The new version had Andy Dick, Dave Navarro and some black guy I've never heard of as judges. It's not clear to me who is JP Morgan and who is Jamie Farr. I don't see the new show lasting very long. I came in during the midget wrestling bit and from then on nobody got gonged.

God damn it. I wish I was Dave Navarro. Show ends and he just starts making out with some random stripper. Dave Attel is standing there hamfisted announcing some crap, I don't even remember and Dave Navarro is half way to third base. He's not even surprised that some random slut is kissing him, like it happens two or three times a day. It probably does. Damn. I really wish I was Dave Navarro.

Before you get upset with me, especially you Adorable GF, and say "What about Lisa?" I know for a fact that Lisa wishes I was Dave Navarro too.

Living The American Dream

You're damn well right that those who are losing complain loudest. They wouldn't be complaining if they weren't losing out. When we were growing up the "Social Contract" we were given promised us comfort, family and emotional fulfillment so long as we didn't get pregnant, did our homework and kept mommy and daddies good name out of the police blotter. In exchange for sitting still when the most boring people in the world yoked us to staggering student loans we expect nothing less than the beach house free pot and sexy college party that leads to a center entrance colonial no more than a 10 minute drive to the commuter rail. You know, the same social contract our hippy parents enjoyed.

In contract law there is a term - unconscionability - which means that a contract one sided or unfair to one party cannot be entered into. When consideration is lacking or inadequate the contract is considered unenforceable. Now unfairness alone isn't enough to break the contract unless one party to the contract exerted undue influence or advantage.

Quick show of hands, who here told their parents to fuck off and refused to join polite society? I didn't think so. Even I don't have the nads to tell mom and dad to go chew while I quit my job thus freeing up my schedule so I can drink beer and play with Legos all day.

We all signed the social contract. Some of us signed up sooner than others but we've all sold out. I just wish I was allowed to see the fine print before that Monteblanc was shoved into my hand. It doesn't matter much to me now though. It's pretty clear that the Boomers are going to default on their obligation to Generation X in favor of giving their Echo crotch fruit a plasma screen for the back of the drivers side headrest.

But this post isn't a bitter rant over getting shafted. This is about survival for the Gen Xers out there. Our parents will bankrupt social security lickety split. The Echos are inept at everything but Grand Theft Auto (the game) and blowing each others body parts off from following bomb instructions they found on the internet which they didn't read carefully.

That's what will save us. Those Echo kids don't read anything carefully and they don't do anything without texting 3 other people to make sure it's socially OK for them to do whatever it is you're asking them to do and then they have to text them back to find out how to use the pointy end of the ruler.

Ruprekt, Don't take the cork off the fork.

Since they're the ones who got chauffeured to school in the back of moms Range Rover they're the ones who should go and fetch the Depends when their helicopter parents finally crash. After all, they're the ones who are going to inherit everything no matter what their older Gen X siblings do.

They won't fetch anything for their parents though. They'll be busy trying to figure out why their Gen X coworkers get things done by themselves when it takes them and their 4 friends all day to start working on that team project. Don't even ask them to swing a hammer, one kid will hold the nail, one will swing the hammer and one will watch the hammer drive the top of that first kids thumb into the wall. This will happen just before the kid who was trying to read the directions realized that the roundish flat thing not the claw end is supposed to hit the nail.

So remember that. Can't get things done on their own. Will be your boss though because when mommy is done writing their college application essay daddy will install them as his replacement on the board of directors. Since they can't read written instructions to do anything and don't watch the YouTube instructions too carefully either they will be dependent on Gen X to care for their parents and run the skill saw.

As long as the fine print in their social contract lets me set the price I should be retired just after the last Baby Boomer dies. Hopefully the devil spawn that the Echo kids inflict on us will know how to use a wrench or nobody will be able to change the oil in their car. I knew oil would lead to the end of civilization.

Questions Only A Generation Xer Ever Asked

Nothing but love from me if you know what I'm talking about. My money is on Zack or Paul getting this one.

They hit me just as hard as I hit them why don't they die too?

A hint in the labels and the answer in the comments section.

Sounds Like A Great Idea To Me

Why not. It's not like there's such a thing as a slippery slope. Just before they outlawed smoking in bars MADD got several judgements against reason and personal accountability by backing successful lawsuits against bartenders who trusted their patrons to make their own decisions.

I think it's a great idea to force people who scrape out a meager living depending on the good will called tips to call their best customers fatties and kick them out. It will be one more in a long list of laws that will be ignored to the point that respect for legitimate law and order will be a sad joke on us all.

Uh Oh Over Flow

It's Friday morning. The world is still here. Some folks believe the world is going to end this morning.

Bin Laden Trades

Missing Nuclear Bombs

Bush was on TV last night. He reminds me of how worn down Lincoln looked after a couple years on the job. Being president grinds you up physically. I don't think Bush was all that healthy to begin with. Now he looks like he's ready for hospice. Something's got him worried. It shows.

I've been wrong before but I'm calling today a red herring.

There is a missing nuke. It was transferred on presidential orders. It was to be used against Iran. Someone noticed the nukes were gone and talked. That man is a hero.


Plan B?

Now the missing nuke will be squirrelled away for a rainy day. We'll all have forgotten about today in a few months. When the bomb is used we'll say see I told you something was up last september. No one will care by then. They'll say sure. Neocons stole a bomb and hid it just to make you look like chicken little. They spent billions of dollars to fool you into thinking something was up in the stock market. Then they hid the bomb for months knowing they could be caught with it. And they're using it now? Who has money to spend on the Bin Laden Trades just to fool a bunch of tinfoil hat bloggers looking for conspiracy theories.

Plausable denialability. Limited hangout. Sound bite.

The Fed injected cash into the banking system a couple weeks ago. Right around the amount of money that the Bin Laden Trades cost to issue. And right around the settlement date. Sounds crazy doesn't it?

It probably is crazy.

Plan on going to work Monday.

I Don't Know What To Do

Right now, as I type this, both Road House and Dirty Dancing are on cable. If only the great Charles Nelson Reilly would offer me a sign from above, which movie should I watch.

Did I mention I'm drunk right now.

My Dream Come True!

A TV show about zombies...

I can't fucking wait! I hope it's on opposite 24. I'm sick of being hooked on that piece of crap.

But I mean Fuck!!! Fuckin zombies!

I'm watching that shit!

What's New?

I got pink slipped today. I'm told it's just a formality and they'd like to ask me back once the budget is approved.

I told them I want letters of recomendation now.

Look At That

Another place where guns aren't allowed and the government has a heavily armed presence and the police still failed to protect innocent civilians.

And again, why April?

A Question

How many near misses will it take before this girl learns to stop relying on luck and a police force that waits outside until they're sure it's safe to go in before she takes ownership of her own defense?

And why does this shit always happen in April?

Live Free Or Diet

I'm listening to 60 Minutes and there's a story about the Nanny State and some muckraker guy trying to protect us from the tyranny of chicken little telling us how to live. They interview some health lobby shill who complains that 40,000 people a year die of heart disease.

The fuckhead doesn't get it. 40,000 people a year are going to die of something. Ban trans fat and they live a bland life a little while longer and pay more money for food doing it. Give them their burgers until their hearts pop. They're going to die no matter what you do. You just want to tell us all how to live because you make a good living telling the government that you know how we should live.

You know what I miss. Denny's Beer Barrel Pub. Mike, feel like going? (scroll down on that link, it's worth a look)