What I Did During My Summer Vacation

I watched movies. Can you guess which one?

There is no way she drove a manual transmission in those heels.

That’s the band in “From Dusk Til Dawn”.

He’s got a PhD in kicking ass but he can’t kick cancer.

That means “Two Shits”.

You can’t just give someone a car by handing them keys. The registry will want some paperwork to back up the transaction.

I’d like to see her get nipple to nipple.

Ha Ha Ha. It’s funny because a blind guy can’t really see.

That’s called foreshadowing.

Aren’t there police in this town?

That’s his new beater? I want a car that nice.

Because above every barn there’s a palatial paradise with a lake view.

I swear it’s an amazing coincidence that the villain lives across the lake from the protagonist.

The table had it coming.

I’d finish.

Oh that explains why he bought new tires.

Take your heels off before you get into the pool.

Man ass.

There’s no way a floor to ceiling window with no safety rail is up to code even in Missouri.

I would have let him hit me and then sued him for his helicopter.

That’s the prettiest thug I’ve ever seen. So homo erotic it makes me question my own masculinity.

I want one of those trike ATV bikes. Quads are for pussies.

Why doesn’t someone bring a gun to all these knife fights. It’s Missouri for crisakes. They give school children guns.

Hollywood ugly is when they put glasses on someone hot.

“Nobody ever wins a fight.”

And then for no reason they throw in a monster truck full of gay hitmen. This movie is fucking awesome.

So I get it. The story arc is plot with Dalton then there’s gay hitmen then topless women then more plot then a musical interlude in the bar followed by a fight. Repeat.

Is she wearing a table cloth?

Wow take off the glasses and she’s hot!

Did she get tanner on the drive from the cafe to the parking lot?

He’s got a whole farm, why is he lying on a broken window?

Who needs two pool tables?

That Fotomat was a lasting investment wasn’t it?

A new sign attracts a line out the door.

They even hired a black guy to show things are changed.

It’s been a while where are the topless sluts and what is this business of a musical interlude without a bar fight?

What is up with the 50’s music soundtrack? You’ve got John Doe in the cast why couldn’t you get him to write a song for the film? “Johnny Hit and Run Pauline” would be slammin during the love scene.

Oooh girl ass.

Wait, wasn’t Sam Elliot in this movie?

Oh, that’s who taught him the knee trick.

I’d prefer my physician to have more than a couple hours sleep.

OK there’s music in the bar so there should be a fight in a moment.

How does he play the guitar like it’s a piano?

And Red’s place moved across town so that it could be right out front so you could run out and look when it blows up.

I wouldn’t have let her get on the stage in the first place.

Again, it’s Missouri, where are all the guns? Oh there’s one.

The fighting, it’s almost like Ballet.

So fucking guys in prison is kind of gay isn’t it? I mean I called it right the first time, didn’t I?

There’s that neck thing that was foreshadowed at the beginning.

Come on, why can’t you be cool about this?

So was it Wade or Elizabeth?

Why didn’t you bring him with you since he’s obviously not safe at the bar alone.

Now everybody has guns.

Awww he loved that car.

The knife is a message.

Two guys with white shirts and jeans fighting. I don’t know which is the bad guy.

Is that Bob Rooney from “Married With Children”?

It’s a dead bear. It’s falling forward. Just take one step to the left

I want a room full of things that I’ve killed.

I think it was Oscar Wilde who said that you can’t have a glassed topped coffee table in the first act without dropping the villains dead body through it before the end of the movie.

“A polar bear fell on me.”

Did anyone ever pull the dead guy out of that lake?

Swanky Mo's Rocked!

Top 10 fake movie or video game rock bands:

Honorable Mentions A, B, C & At 5:01 in this one... That's exactly how I get into my car when I leave for work every morning.

10 Blender Children - Tapeheads These guys have got to be the blueprint that Rockstar Video Games followed for #7.

9 The Pussycats - The Adventures of Ford Fairlane Jack and Jill went up a hill each with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with two fifty. Ohhh! OK so it has nothing to do with the Pussycats. Most people don't know that's Mr Clay sampled in the first note. Really, though. #9 should have been The Commitments.

8 Josie & The Pussycats - Josie & The Pussycats I liked it when they were trapped in outer space and every episode they almost made it home.

7 Love Fist - Grand Theft Auto Vice City Just go here for lyrics.

6 Limozeen - Homestarrunner.com But why are they in space? It makes no sense!

5 Timmy & The Lords Of The Underworld - South Park Living a lie!

4 The Band That Played California Lady - Mystery Science Theater 3000 Way better and funnier parody of VH1's behind the music than 'Needs more cowbell.'

3 Tijuana Tokyo - 8 Is Enough Proof that if you're on a hit show the producers and writers will bend over backwards to indulge your fantasies no matter how craptastic you are. Thank the Grand Architect that this hasn't hit YouTube yet. It would be exactly like the kind of car accident that I can't take my eyes off of. Anyway it's bad enough I have this and this occupying the two brain cells that will probably survive my appetite for carbon, nitrogen, hydrogen and oxygen . They'll probably be my only memories as I drool into my oatmeal.

2 The Monkees - The Monkees Hey Hey we're actually pretty good musicians.

1 Spinal Tap - This Is Spinal Tap How much more black can it be? None. None more black! It's too bad for those Live8 assholes that global warming turned out to be a bigger joke. Kind of a pathetic coda to what was one of the greatest movies ever. Proof you should quit while you're ahead!

0 I leave you with this. It's the definition of suck.

Sounds Like A Great Idea To Me

Why not. It's not like there's such a thing as a slippery slope. Just before they outlawed smoking in bars MADD got several judgements against reason and personal accountability by backing successful lawsuits against bartenders who trusted their patrons to make their own decisions.

I think it's a great idea to force people who scrape out a meager living depending on the good will called tips to call their best customers fatties and kick them out. It will be one more in a long list of laws that will be ignored to the point that respect for legitimate law and order will be a sad joke on us all.

No Time For Love Doctor Jones!

I haven't really been watching TV much. I'm paying a stinking fortune to those bastards at Comcast for internet and HBO, Skinemax, Starz, Showtime, Encore and The Movie Channel. I don't watch much. Usually if I get that kind of time I fall asleep. I'm still working more 36 hour days then I should. Last week I fell asleep behind the wheel twice. Both times I woke up inches away from side swiping a parked car.

I got a full nights sleep two nights in a row this weekend yet tonight I fell asleep during The Simpsons. I think it was because they've become quite boring. I don't expect The Simpsons to ever be as funny as the Connan O'Brian years but lately they haven't been funny at all. One thing I have been watching lately has been foreign horror and Britcoms.

I have to blame the writers for this. If I remember correctly, The Simpsons is the one show that the writers have control over. Producers aren't allowed to bring "notes" or screw with scripts that have passed "standards". It's uncharacteristically un-republican of me to say this but I support the writers decision to strike. I hope they get fair treatment. I'm sorry the grips, gaffers and other crew are feeling collateral damages but they wouldn't have a job in the first place if the writers didn't camp out at 18th Street Coffee House in front of their laptop. The make-up girl is still going to collect a paycheck regardless of whether I watch "The Office" through my cable connection to the TV set or watch "The Office" through my cable connection to my PowerBook. However, only one path between the writers fingers to my eyeball compensates the writer. That's what this is about.

That's why the writers have their own union in the first place. They were smart enough to know that the Teamsters weren't going to get them a better deal. If the Best Boy wants a residual check maybe he needs to join a union that fights for a better cut of the paycheck. I hear the crew complaining about the writers but what they really need might not be a union that fights for the right to stand around doing nothing but keep the clock running while the director waits for magic hour. I don't blame the studio for layoffs. If you want residual payments too you should elect union reps who are, you know, smart. Maybe Joe Bob was great at swinging a hammer and did great at woodshop in high school but he's out gunned in the frontal lobes when negotiating with front office management that requires an Ivy League degree to be the mail clerk.

No one complained when musicians demanded the same royalty for CD's that they used to get for VINYL platters. Name the last 12 inch diameter black disk you purchased. Admit it, you paused for more then a second. You paused two seconds if you thought that 'S' was a 'C'. It's been that long since records were sold that way. I'll bet you a copy of "Little Miss Sunshine" on VHS that you can't find it.

Writers aren't stupid. They have enough vision to see what's coming around the bend. They have to be smart or they don't get paid. This strike isn't about their greed today it's about knowing when one medium is dead and acknowledging when new technology is taking over.

So maybe American TV isn't worth watching. It's been that way since Philo T Farnsworth first shot electrons through a tube. I've been watching season 6 of The Simpsons in my classroom after school. Listening really, as I set up for labs. I'm thinking of having my Netflixs sent to the school. Maybe abandoning the airwaves will be a good thing. Without the FCC and "Standards & Practice" telling writers what they can write they might have something worthwhile to say. I'd actually miss TV. In the mean time, does anyone remember the '88 writers strike? I vaguely remember that episode of Moonlighting where they ran short so Bruce Willis just sang to Cybil Shepard for 10 minutes?

Brave New World

According to this the mainstream media is still under the impression that we're under no threat from deadly small pox because there are only two sources in the world that are closely guarded.

Which is more dangerous? Conspiracy theories on the internet or staggering ignorance within the so called credible journalism found in the mainstream media?

One doctor has shown that it is a trivial matter to synthesize nearly extinct viral particles from nucleotides sitting in a jar on the benchtop. Another has shown us how easy it is to increase the lethality of such a pathogen.

It's a good thing we don't sell do it yourself DNA fabrication kits to any asshole with a credit card.

Welcome To The Party

It seems to me that I've heard someone say something like this a couple years ago. I wonder who it was and what I said.

Cite Your Fucking Source (linky fixed, c-word left in)

This cunt claims english teachers are teaching advanced algebra. That may have been true in 1983 and Kansas but it's not happening here now.

I do like his idea of paying science teachers more then those lazy uneducated english teachers.

What do you mean they have masters degrees and more MCAS pressure on them? Oh. Then they deserve every penny.