Sometimes People Just Explode

This is either going to be awesome or suck beyond belief and thoroughly and inexorably link that suckitude to the original.

Trust Me, It Was Worth The Wait

My old friend Rodney and I finally met face to face the other day. In between jabbering at me a mile a minute about how his co-workers thought he was acting weirder than usual and how he had a stroke he said to me "You don't post anymore." Well I do post but I made myself a promise that my blog would no longer be me complaining like a bitch and that I would post only substance and quality insight. That seems to mean far fewer posts but I do in fact have something worthwhile to say when I do say it now. In other words, you should expect fewer posts labeled "whine" or "filler".

That Rodney is this guy. Actually, we didn't finally meet the other day. We had informally met years before in the now closed Burger King next to the Paradise Rock Club. That was the night he gave me the 'Beelzebubba' sticker that's on the bottom of my skateboard.

Anyway, a couple weeks ago in Philadelphia Rodney called me out for not posting enough and he's right. I'm his bitch for not having a better excuse than that I'm overwhelmed by the day job. I also really don't have much to say when I'm not whining like a little bitch. Today is different.

Today I'm going to pick a fight with TSA.

I told you it was worth the wait.

Back in high school I pissed off a good friend of mine when I, a little too emphatically, agreed with our English teacher that it is in fact a burden and a curse to be the guy every one trusts with far too personal confessions. I seem to be a magnet in life for people looking to unload their personal demons. I believe the late Reverend Sam Kinison would have called me an "emotional tampon" in between lines of cocaine. It's cool though. If you're a brother your secrets are safe with me. The rest of you should really think about entering the craft. It'll shut me up. But I digress. I'm also off my Ritalin this week. And I'm drunk.

Zack, that was that pure stream of conscience you love so much.

If you're sick and tired of getting picked on at the airport and want to do something about it then listen up. I know how to get bombs on board the airplanes.

Play golf. It seems that TSA can't tell the difference between nitrates used to fertilize the white mans playground and the nitrates used to make IED's. And since golfers tend to be the kind of white man who can defend themselves in court TSA gives them a free pass for smelling like terrorism.

This I learned tonight drinking with TSA "management" at Lisa's 20th HS reunion.

Also TSA does in fact know who everyone is before they show up at the airport. No one is pulled at random. We are in fact profiled -- "racially profiled" -- before we get in line. This suggests NSA style intelligence gathering of anyone passing through the airports.

This may well be my last post ever.

If so, Bye. And maybe I wasn't paranoid if I was right.

Babygate

Can I be first to call it that?

Sure Sarah Palin has some inexcusable personal problems looming but I think I'm going to vote for her because she's hot. That seems as good a reason to throw my vote away as any other.

As for the Dems attacking her for being some small town mayor with no experience, just who the fuck do they expect to be in the voting booths? Here's a little hint for all y'all limosine liberals. Americans aren't rich anymore. We're hungry, scared and more than a little pissed off that we can't afford to top off our gas tanks. We don't care who answers the phone at 3AM. We do care about sluts in stripper heels. Fuck with her and you're fucking with me.

Summertime

I hate camping but my Dad loves it. So every once in a while when I was a kid I would break down and go if the camping didn't involve walking more than a mile (200 yards if wearing a back pack.) Mostly taking me "camping" meant driving a camper to someplace with hookups. At that point is it really camping or well appointed parking? Dad could get a campfire and the tenting in the wilderness vibe. I could have toilet paper and my Satuarday Morning Cartoons. (This was back in the 70's & 80's.)

If you're a suburban prince like me TV is hard junk to get off of. It's easier to quit smoking. So Dad meets me half way and we got to spend time together. He would join in and laugh at me when other campers would tease us with comments about how my TV in the woods is really roughing it. I didn't care cause I'd be with my Dad.

There's also something extra chilling about watching horror movies in a camp ground. Sure we could tell ghost stories around a campfire but I like movies.

On one trip to Gunstock, Maine Dad and I watched some rinkydink UHF channel showing their big movie of the week. It was called Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things. Both the movie and the TV station were wicked low budget. When the broadcaster mixed up the reels and the movie started playing out of order we kept watching trying to figure out what the hell was going on. It didn't seem to matter to the story line and eventually we figured out what we missed.

I would later see Quentin Tarentino mix up his storyline elements and be hailed as a genius. Then he spends a fortune to look like a low budget horror movie from the 70's. It's still not as cool as a boy and his Dad watching crappy movies on the 'camping TV' in the woods.

Some Dads just understand their kids.

What's Wrong With Education In America Part 3: Adults

Could someone explain to me what possible benefit a defendant could achieve by going to trial in a criminal case but waiving the right to a jury and having the case be decided on by one judge?

Mr Funk, I'm looking at you.

I've been waiting 13 months for this. I got called to jury duty in the beginning of July 2007 for a trial in October of that year. I sent in the deferral card asking to serve in August of 07 but if they couldn't swing it then to make it August of 08. I got assigned to show up today. So for more than a year I've had this day where I had to be awake, showered and in Newburyport by 8:30 am hanging over me. I rolled into the jury room at 8:33 am. They had already started roll call but were only in the B's. I was on time.

This was my second time getting called in the last decade or so. It looked pretty much the same as last time. The room looked like the break room in an office park, white tables and chairs designed more for stacking than sitting. The jury pool was a pretty fair cross section of New Englanders weighted heavily toward baby boomer women. There were about 30 of us. Everyone was white and middle class. When they called our names we had to turn in a questionnaire asking some personal details about our education, family, criminal past and if we may not be an impartial juror. I answered that last question and for the reason put that I may have to obey my Freemasons oath if given the Grand Hailing sign of distress, murder and treason excepted. I was assigned number 26.

The clerk gave us some instructions about what to expect for the day. We listened. He left to get the judge. We read books and magazines for about 5 minutes. Most of the jury pool had coffees from Dunkin Donuts. I had a Coke. The judge came in. He was a handsome man in his late 40's, He had that just beginning to turn grey but wouldn't be considered the creepy old man at the night club look. I could listen to that man read the phone book and find it fascinating. He was clear, concise, articulate and funny. He's probably given that same speech 500 times but made it sound like it was a casual conversation between a couple guys sitting on the deck at the yacht club. We all listened to him carefully hoping that he'd actually tell us what is going on and what the trial will be about. No such luck. It was mostly about how important jury duty is and thank you for not blowing it off. Still, that man could sell tea to a Chinaman. He must have been a great lawyer.

Then they showed "the movie." It was a 15 minute slice of tedium. It was supposed to explain our duty as jurors and what to expect from the day. About half the pool watched it as if they were watching an episode of 'Law and Order'. I figure it was conditioning. The TV set has a courtroom on it. Where's that guy who sells Robot Insurance? When he comes on he'll kick some ass!

The rest of the room dropped their heads back into their books. A couple people went to the bathroom. One young woman, a cute 20 something bottle blonde put her head down on the table top and I'm pretty sure she fell asleep. I later saw that her late 90's Ford Explorer had her name on the license plate. There's something sad about a vanity plate on a crappy car.

The fate of this hapless criminal defendant is going to be decided by a room full of people who are one of two things, conditioned to turn into zombies when a TV is turned on or have the kind of ADHD where they can't even pay attention to a short film.

Maybe it's because we're all the kind of good citizen who shows up for jury duty. We consider ourselves smart and maybe a little bit jaded. Call me silly but unless you do it for a living, if you're going to decide someones fate maybe you should pay attention to the instructions. Hopefully the folks who watched the video can fill the rest of us in when the time comes. Truth be told, I did watch the video but only to see if they actually told us anything useful. There was some bit about how important it is to show up for jury duty. A bit about what to expect in the courtroom. It grooved on some of the legal terms we would hear and what the general procedure would be. There was absolutely nothing about why a jury is important for the protection of individual rights and nothing about jury nullification. You know, the reasons why we're actually here. It's just as well there wasn't. I don't think the jury pool would have cared or even comprehended such abstractions. They certainly wouldn't have understood what it all means after ignoring the pretrial infomercial in front of them.

As for my day as a juror, after the film we were told that the case will go to trial but we would be given a 45 minute break. I don't know why we were given a break from the strenuous work of sitting and reading magazines. I hope the court clerk is getting some kind of kick back because the Dunkin Donuts across the street must get mad business from the courthouse giving us just enough time to cross the street and get a snack but not enough time to drive anywhere else.

We were instructed to return by 10:15. At 11:00 we were sent home. This is a one chamber courthouse and we were told that there was only one trial scheduled today. I have no idea what the trial was actually going to be about but there were a lot of police cars from Merrimac in the parking lot and there were a bunch of kids in front of the courthouse smoking. It could be related to some teen drinking arrests last spring. I'll try to remember next week to check the Newburyport newspaper for the court filings.

They'll Take Away My Brain When They Pry It From My Cold Dead Hands!

Because in Massachusetts if you're not part of the vaulted Cambridge elite curiosity and intelligence are against the law.

That's Thomas Edison's home laboratory. Possession of those bottles alone is enough to go to jail in Texas. Actually the Texas law merely requires a permit which is free but from my understanding there is a 21 day waiting period to buy thermometers. I'm not joking the law as written is sloppy and you must inform the permitting office of your intention to make changes to your chemical and equipment inventory and then wait 21 days for approval.

Come on Bay State. We're smarter than that. Don't make me throw snowballs at the British Soldiers you've billeted in my home.

The Big Apple

I feel bad for Steve Jobs. He's one of the greatest assholes who ever lived. Apple computer wouldn't be insanely great if he wasn't at the helm. Just look at what happened when he was gone and how that all turned around when he returned. I hope his cancer is treated and he survives. Apple will survive without him. Not as insanely greatly as the last decade has been but Apple holds a niche that will be hard to break.

If Jobs doesn't want to talk about his health that's his business not Wall Streets. Personally, I think Jobs is going to beat the cancer. I hear he's just the kind of asshole who is unstoppable. If not I still think Apple is a "Buy and Hold" and Jobs health is none of my concern.

What I Did During My Summer Vacation

I watched movies. Can you guess which one?

There is no way she drove a manual transmission in those heels.

That’s the band in “From Dusk Til Dawn”.

He’s got a PhD in kicking ass but he can’t kick cancer.

That means “Two Shits”.

You can’t just give someone a car by handing them keys. The registry will want some paperwork to back up the transaction.

I’d like to see her get nipple to nipple.

Ha Ha Ha. It’s funny because a blind guy can’t really see.

That’s called foreshadowing.

Aren’t there police in this town?

That’s his new beater? I want a car that nice.

Because above every barn there’s a palatial paradise with a lake view.

I swear it’s an amazing coincidence that the villain lives across the lake from the protagonist.

The table had it coming.

I’d finish.

Oh that explains why he bought new tires.

Take your heels off before you get into the pool.

Man ass.

There’s no way a floor to ceiling window with no safety rail is up to code even in Missouri.

I would have let him hit me and then sued him for his helicopter.

That’s the prettiest thug I’ve ever seen. So homo erotic it makes me question my own masculinity.

I want one of those trike ATV bikes. Quads are for pussies.

Why doesn’t someone bring a gun to all these knife fights. It’s Missouri for crisakes. They give school children guns.

Hollywood ugly is when they put glasses on someone hot.

“Nobody ever wins a fight.”

And then for no reason they throw in a monster truck full of gay hitmen. This movie is fucking awesome.

So I get it. The story arc is plot with Dalton then there’s gay hitmen then topless women then more plot then a musical interlude in the bar followed by a fight. Repeat.

Is she wearing a table cloth?

Wow take off the glasses and she’s hot!

Did she get tanner on the drive from the cafe to the parking lot?

He’s got a whole farm, why is he lying on a broken window?

Who needs two pool tables?

That Fotomat was a lasting investment wasn’t it?

A new sign attracts a line out the door.

They even hired a black guy to show things are changed.

It’s been a while where are the topless sluts and what is this business of a musical interlude without a bar fight?

What is up with the 50’s music soundtrack? You’ve got John Doe in the cast why couldn’t you get him to write a song for the film? “Johnny Hit and Run Pauline” would be slammin during the love scene.

Oooh girl ass.

Wait, wasn’t Sam Elliot in this movie?

Oh, that’s who taught him the knee trick.

I’d prefer my physician to have more than a couple hours sleep.

OK there’s music in the bar so there should be a fight in a moment.

How does he play the guitar like it’s a piano?

And Red’s place moved across town so that it could be right out front so you could run out and look when it blows up.

I wouldn’t have let her get on the stage in the first place.

Again, it’s Missouri, where are all the guns? Oh there’s one.

The fighting, it’s almost like Ballet.

So fucking guys in prison is kind of gay isn’t it? I mean I called it right the first time, didn’t I?

There’s that neck thing that was foreshadowed at the beginning.

Come on, why can’t you be cool about this?

So was it Wade or Elizabeth?

Why didn’t you bring him with you since he’s obviously not safe at the bar alone.

Now everybody has guns.

Awww he loved that car.

The knife is a message.

Two guys with white shirts and jeans fighting. I don’t know which is the bad guy.

Is that Bob Rooney from “Married With Children”?

It’s a dead bear. It’s falling forward. Just take one step to the left

I want a room full of things that I’ve killed.

I think it was Oscar Wilde who said that you can’t have a glassed topped coffee table in the first act without dropping the villains dead body through it before the end of the movie.

“A polar bear fell on me.”

Did anyone ever pull the dead guy out of that lake?

Tomb of the Unknown Comic

OK, I admit it. I loved 'The Gong Show' when I was a kid. I didn't understand half of the raunchy humor but I loved the look of disappointment on peoples faces when they got gonged. Didn't those people know they sucked? I was only 7 but I could tell they were terrible. They were adults they should have known better.

The other night I caught the last 10 minutes of the new Gong Show hosted by Dave Attel. I like Dave Attel in small doses. I liked his last show where he wandered around strange cities at night. I'm one degree of separation from him and hear he's really a nice guy back stage.

The new version had Andy Dick, Dave Navarro and some black guy I've never heard of as judges. It's not clear to me who is JP Morgan and who is Jamie Farr. I don't see the new show lasting very long. I came in during the midget wrestling bit and from then on nobody got gonged.

God damn it. I wish I was Dave Navarro. Show ends and he just starts making out with some random stripper. Dave Attel is standing there hamfisted announcing some crap, I don't even remember and Dave Navarro is half way to third base. He's not even surprised that some random slut is kissing him, like it happens two or three times a day. It probably does. Damn. I really wish I was Dave Navarro.

Before you get upset with me, especially you Adorable GF, and say "What about Lisa?" I know for a fact that Lisa wishes I was Dave Navarro too.

Describe What's Going On In This Picture And Win A Prize

The picture is from the white board in my classroom during a test review. It's a pictorial representation of one of the test questions. Guess what the question was asking and I'll give you a prize. I'll give you a hint, there's a transporter beam involved.

Swanky Mo's Rocked!

Top 10 fake movie or video game rock bands:

Honorable Mentions A, B, C & At 5:01 in this one... That's exactly how I get into my car when I leave for work every morning.

10 Blender Children - Tapeheads These guys have got to be the blueprint that Rockstar Video Games followed for #7.

9 The Pussycats - The Adventures of Ford Fairlane Jack and Jill went up a hill each with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with two fifty. Ohhh! OK so it has nothing to do with the Pussycats. Most people don't know that's Mr Clay sampled in the first note. Really, though. #9 should have been The Commitments.

8 Josie & The Pussycats - Josie & The Pussycats I liked it when they were trapped in outer space and every episode they almost made it home.

7 Love Fist - Grand Theft Auto Vice City Just go here for lyrics.

6 Limozeen - Homestarrunner.com But why are they in space? It makes no sense!

5 Timmy & The Lords Of The Underworld - South Park Living a lie!

4 The Band That Played California Lady - Mystery Science Theater 3000 Way better and funnier parody of VH1's behind the music than 'Needs more cowbell.'

3 Tijuana Tokyo - 8 Is Enough Proof that if you're on a hit show the producers and writers will bend over backwards to indulge your fantasies no matter how craptastic you are. Thank the Grand Architect that this hasn't hit YouTube yet. It would be exactly like the kind of car accident that I can't take my eyes off of. Anyway it's bad enough I have this and this occupying the two brain cells that will probably survive my appetite for carbon, nitrogen, hydrogen and oxygen . They'll probably be my only memories as I drool into my oatmeal.

2 The Monkees - The Monkees Hey Hey we're actually pretty good musicians.

1 Spinal Tap - This Is Spinal Tap How much more black can it be? None. None more black! It's too bad for those Live8 assholes that global warming turned out to be a bigger joke. Kind of a pathetic coda to what was one of the greatest movies ever. Proof you should quit while you're ahead!

0 I leave you with this. It's the definition of suck.

From A Chinese Website Selling Cheap Junk

This is from an online catalog selling glowsticks.

Why Should They Start Now?

I firmly disagree with the last sentence in this article.

Summertime

I love the smell of Deep Woods Off. It makes me happy in ways that few other things do. What's your favorite summer time smell?

This One's Sure To Offend

Here's another installment of Dean Answers Dear Abby Letters.

Read the letter from Jesse in Burbank.

Dear Jesse,

How big are your tits?

Sincerely,

DeanASC

No Way, Not Even With Cleavage!

If you're a die hard GenX'r who remembers the little show which preceded "Freaks and Geeks" that I like to call "Square Pegs" and you live in Comcast land, look in the Tube Time section of OnDemand.

Now if only they'd show "Delta House", "San Pedro Beach Bums", the ripoff of "Fast Times At Ridgemont High" called "Fast Times" and "Parker Lewis Can't Lose".

What Ever Happened To Chuck Cunningham?

Why does Ron Howard have such a fascination with Ivy League professors who hallucinate a lot?

1

2

Look At That

Another place where guns aren't allowed and the government has a heavily armed presence and the police still failed to protect innocent civilians.

And again, why April?

About Yesterdays Post

I can't wait for "Fight Club 2: On The Road To Santa Fe".

A film about zombies attacking all of England lends itself to telling thousands of stories. I've always wanted to see what happened to the cops that were taking a boat up the river in the original "Dawn of the Dead". You remember the the ones looking for cigarettes. In the European release of the DotD that was one of the scenes that ran longer. You got to see what was going on and why the radio operator was dead. I wonder if the other cops ever got to "the islands... any island." They kind of settle what could possibly go wrong on an island at the end of the remake but still, I wonder what happened to the cops.

"Trainspotting 2" just seems like it's going to be watch Renton sell out, settle down to a life of cars, toasters, big screen televisions and "mind numbing spirit crushing game shows" and becoming an embarrasment to the brats he's spawned to replace himself.

And it's Robert Carlyle, the guy who played Begbe that's in "28 Weeks Later". He was the guy in "The Full Monty" and that James Bond movie, the one I don't have... "The World Is Not Enough." He was also in "Formula 51" but I'm the only person I know who's seen that movie. Even the guys I went to see that movie with don't remember seeing it.

I Miss Napster

I'm listening to old singles I hastilly shoved onto my iPod. Biz Markey's "Just A Friend" comes on. You know the one with the horrible singing and the "You got what I need." There's one line where he vets his potential mate by inviting her to sit with him at the autograph table after the show. He does this to ostensably see if she's, and I quote him here, "100 proof." Now I've probably heard this song a couple hundred times over the years and it hits me. The reason why he's having so much trouble with this girl is that she's only 50%. Now I don't know what her other half is but if she's 100 proof she's not all there.

That's the problem with him is that either his standards are not very high, he doesn't understand units and their importance when taking measurements or he specifically wants a girl who's not all there. The latter insuring that his life is full of drama and women who are crazy but not in the good way.

And speaking of fucked up. That link is from his website. Click on his link to his video for his song and see what you get from YouTube. How the fuck can YouTube claim that the post violates terms of use when the author doesn't seem to mind that it's online and even uses the link for self promotion. At this point in Biz's career he can only benefit from the possibility that some Gen Xer remembers him fondly and maybe swells with nostalgia enough to buy his music, see his show or in the off chance that it's someone corporate who decides to buy the song to use in a burger commercial. Maybe it'll be heard by someone who remembers MTV and when they played it 5 times a day. Maybe it was playing at the 8th grade dance when he got his first kiss. Maybe that kid has some bucks now and can afford the $29.50 + busfare it would take to get him to play the song at his 30th birthday party.

I'd buy Tylenol if the commercial showed someone trying to open a bottle while he sings "You got what I need" to the bottle. Come to think of it that lyric works for so many products. Biz could probably use the money so Madison Avenue help a brother out.

Everytime I hear this I want to buy a Toyota Rav4 and I really want to go on a cruise so I can kick heroin. Dig around the first link and you can find an audio clip for the song YouTube doesn't want you to hear.

By the way Iggy Pop rocked! The Orpheum is rapidly becoming my least favorite place to see a show. I like the Aganis Arena if you're not too far from the show. Maybe I'll rent it out for my 40th birthday party and hire Biz to valet park my friends cars. Now I'm just being mean.