You Can't Hide, Run With The Dogs Tonight

Weekend of yardwork and not even close to finishing what I meant to. Desperately need a weed wacker and a mulching mower with self drive. And some cheap Mexican labor. You know, I've been to Home Depot and Lowes several times this week and I didn't notice any Mexicans loitering in the parking lot, waiting for work. Maybe they started their strike early. Or maybe there are no Mexicans in Peabody.

Now I'm drinking beer and listening to the only CD I've purchased in the last 5 years. It's the official bootleg of the June 15th Pixies concert at the Agony Arena in Boston/Brookline. They made me wait 8 weeks for it but it was 30 dollars well spent. Mingya! It's wicked pissa! Especially with my new Cambridge Soundworks MicroWorks (Thanks Daren. I know they're a loaner but you really are never getting these back. Just kidding. Or maybe not.)

Editors update. The 'Submarine' alert sound on the Macintosh is fucking awesome with a subwoofer behind it! It's like I've never heard a sound before.

What a Dick!

If you happen to have an RSS of the post I just deleted. That one was too mean. Even for me.

Can I Have Some Cheese With My Whine?

I had a physical chemistry professor who spent one lecture going over a ground breaking paper he had published early in his career. The most fascinating part was at the end when he showed all the instances in the scientific literature and a couple textbooks where other (and some of them very respected) scientists plagiarised his paper. Dr Anderson is a funny guy to talk with and his lecture wasn't vindictive. However I do believe he was getting the last laugh. Revenge here, served sunny side up.

Blue Girl has a post calling another blogger out for complaining about losing credit for having the same idea that hundreds of other bloggers have been using. In the blogosphere there is no respect for copyright. The guy has a point but crying about it isn't going to solve anything. Today I sit down to read the news and there's a link to this story about the FBI Wanted Poster for Osama Bin Laden. Well it hit home. I had the same idea and wrote a better story over six weeks ago. The guy didn't even have a link to the FBI. Just a cut and paste of the text. Now I don't claim to be a genius here but I do try to post original content and cite my source when appropriate. At least he didn't just cut and paste a whole news article with nothing else to say about it. I hate that. Although I called TVNewsLies out for stealing my idea in his comment section, I applaud him for having written his own content. There are already too many cut-n-paste blogs out there.

20 Minutes Into The Future

You know it occurs to me that the reason why Max Headroom isn't available on DVD despite healthy indications of demand is because every day we inch closer to making it a reality.

Didn't His Brother Say Something About Violent Revolution?

Ted Kennedy and his limousine liberal fanclub are at it again with this fucking windmill business. They're using the same bad arguments as usual. It doesn't matter to them that they're wrong on every point. These windmills aren't going to kill birds. No worries then. They can switch to the argument that the windmills will upset the fish. Hey Ted and whoever is in charge of the Army Corp of Engineers, if you care about the fucking fishies, why don't you use some of your political clout and have the Navy stop using all that whale killin' sonar? Until then you have absolutely no right to complain about disturbing anything underwater.

There's also the argument that an offshore industrial site will be a hazard to navigation, particulary with fishermen. I'm no stranger to coastal navigation. I hold a basic navigation and seamanship certificate and much of my life has centered around PHRF and One Design yacht racing. To those who would consider windmill towers spread a half mile apart to be a dangerous obstacle, I have just one thing to say, fuck off, you have no business being on a boat. In fact, just such a field of towers with known heights and spacing would be an invaluable triangulation reference to those of us who still know how to dead reackon. Just in case the GPS loses power or the military sets SA to high.

So what is it really? Are the opponents upset that a windmill ranch will disturb the tourism industry? This outfit makes a nice chunk of cheese from a family of four. Add in a boat cruise and tourists might actually have something to look at when the Navy kills off the last whale. Put in a glass bottom and they can even check out what happens to an Oldsmobile Delmont 88 after thirty-seven years under water.

Really what all this comes down to is, in fact, the postage stamp sized smearing of white metal on the horizon that will ruin some yuppies view. Guess what, it will be one or two pixels on the CCD chip in your shiny new Canon Elph. You'll have a greater chance of simple shot noise ruining your vacation pictures.

For the rest of us it's a step in the right direction toward getting away from the wasteful burning of pollutants to power our lives. One last thing Ted, on Boston's North Shore, that's our typical view, cocksucker.

By the way, I grew up at -70.84897 and 42.51124 on that chart. That's 70° 51" 1' and 42° 30" 38' for those who know how to read one. Lisa grew up at 70° 51" 36' and 40° 32" 56' about 2.5 miles from me. We didn't meet until our late 20's. The power plant takes up much of the square 70° 52-53" and 42° 31-32"

Hold Your Fire Til You See The Whites Of Their Eyes

Vermont is joining Illinois and California in using a little known regulation to force the House of Reps to initiate impeachment hearings against the executive branch. This is good news for us in Massachusetts. We started the last American Revolution and it would be nice to be able to sit this one out. Start one revolutionary war and it's maybe forgivable. Start two and suddenly Massachusetts is always the trouble maker. Then every time a revolutionary war needs starting everyone is suddenly looking at us waiting to see what we do. We won't have the luxury of standing around whistling with our hands burrowing through our pockets the next time trouble brews. We'll have to meet for grog at The Green Dragon Tavern every two hundred and thrity years and debate what we should do about King George or President George or in 2236 The Supreme Ruler of the Inner Solar System George.* It's nice that we can focus the energy of The Commonwealth to more local needs. It's not like we don't have problems of our own to deal with.

* I hear he's been using the War on Ionian Terror as an excuse for reading our brainwave leakeage without a warrant from the Supreme Council of Sentient Computers.

Dammit That's Twice This Week

First I miss 111111.1 on my truck and now I miss 11111 on the unique counter.

Ben Stiller Redux

No one guessed the connection between items on the Ben Stiller list. Here's another hint. Think long and hard about Meet The Parents.

When You Get Home Be Sure To Cover Them With A Paper Bag

They're really only useful for the problem sets at the back of the chapter.

Editors update. Then take a look at this link from Daren.

There's an engraving on the side of the library at Penn State. It says "The true university is a collection of books." For many Americans a collection of text books are all they have after four years of beer, football games, flashing their boobs in Cancun and pulling all-nighters to squeak in under deadline to hand in something, hoping grade inflation and a curve will get them a cushy job. I was half way through my undergrad career, living in an apartment that didn't ordinarily take students. A neighbors girlfriend, a thick bodied working class soul, peeked into my open door one day and saw 3 tall book cases full. She was dumbfounded that one person could own so many books. Frankly, I think I scared her. It surprised me, most everyone I know line at least one room with the printed word. A couple of dear friends of mine have even purchased a home, partly in order to tame their expanding library.

Text books are expensive. For the students books not used are beers not bought. It really is annoying to have to purchase packs with study guides and CD's. It's even more annoying when a text is chosen by a professor not as a study manual but as a future reference. There are many books on my shelf that not only hindered partying but also learning at the time of purchase and as of yet fail to demonstrate their bearing. They function solely as ornaments to my past. They serve as a badge, if not of intelligence, then of scholarship. Still, I don't mind having bought them now. Text books in general are invaluable tools when one wants to project authority or intimidate the uneducated. Just ask any lawyer.

Proust Questionnaire - From Vanity Fair

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Contentment

What is your greatest fear?
The end of the line.

What historical figure do you most identify with?
The forgotten farmer who defended Breeds Hill from the British and then quietly went home who then had a monument built to honor him and his fallen peers on the wrong hill.

Which living person do you most admire?
Admire or respect? I’m too egotistical to admire anyone. I respect Nuno.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
ADHD

What is the trait you most despise in others?
Asking me to help them lie to themselves, I refuse to be a part of anyone’s delusional fantasy life. Fuck’em if they can’t take a joke.

What is your greatest extravagance?
Food and wine.

On what occasion do you lie?
Just after setting my alarm clock before falling asleep.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
Glasses.

Which living person do you most despise?
Despise and admire are flipsides of the same emotion. I’m too wrapped up in myself to care much about anyone that way. I’m disappointed with Americans who aren’t working to protect us from tools of the state and more so with the tools themselves.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
OK and So. Also common is “Fuck’em if they can’t take a joke.”

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I’d be more organized.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
Which family? Moms? Dads? Lisas? SSRI’s, SSRI’s and a good lawyer should fix everything.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
36 years 9 months 28 days and counting.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
The Law of Conservation of Mass and The Carbon Cycle lead me to believe that when I die I will become a little bit of everything living. Did I ever mention how I’d like my body to be filleted and chummed out to sharks when I die? If you are what you eat then you must become what eats you.

If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?
My cat, a white tip shark or Tad Allagash.

Who are your favorite writers?
Fitzgerald, Faulkner, MacInerney, Easton Ellis, Doyle and Coupland

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
Tad Allagash

What is your most treasured possession?
Ted

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Waiting for triage at the Emergency Room

Where would you like to live?
In a rambling grey shingled Tudor with a wrap around farmers porch high up on the bluffs overlooking the rocky coastline of The Gulf of Maine. The house despite having a grand piano and formal dining room will never lose its wet towel ambience. There will be playrooms where daughters hold formal tea with china dolls and a dusty attic above the garage where sons plot out their day behind a sign reading ‘no girls allowed’. There will be steps down to a small hidden sandy beach framed by rock lined tidal pools full of periwinkles and crabs. A small satellite dish will bring movies into the family room only and there will be no telephone. Frequent thunder showers will knock out power giving the family time to play games by candle light. I won’t ever have to blog to fill the emptiness in my heart. While we’re at it, every afternoon Encyclopedia Brown will scoot over there on a soap box nailed to a board on roller skate wheels and foil Butch’s crimes.

What is your most marked characteristic?
Foolish optimism.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Boobs

What is your greatest regret?
Any hurt that I’ve caused while living my life.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
Lisa

If there is a Heaven what would you like to hear God say when you arrive?
Keg’s over there.

How would you like to die?
After a day of sipping G&T’s and watching the grand children play in sun warmed tide pools. We’ll share a meal filled with stories about family adventures. That evening, I’ll slowly drift off to sleep and beyond, warm in memory and knowing that I’m not leaving Lisa alone, our children are there to care for her until she’s ready to join me.

How will you die?
Monday morning heart attack, the cat will eat my face before I’m found. Either that or torn apart by a Wilson Cloud Chamber.

Ben Stiller

What do the following movies or TV shows have in common? I'll give you a hint, it's not that they starred Ben Stiller or featured him as a guest star. Also in the case of the TV shows it didn't necessarily happen in every episode or during the episode Stiller guest starred in but at some point in the series it happened.

The Cable Guy
The Simpsons
Mystery Men
Meet The Parents
Meet The Fokkers
Dodgeball
Starsky & Hutch
Arrested Development

Another hint, no it's not that they all suck.

Tobe Hooper Is A 1000 Times Better Director Then Steven Speilberg

Last night Lisa and I watched The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it scared Barney straight out of the room. Barney was content to sit with us as we watched but when Leatherface started making the pig noises and hippy girls started screaming, that was it for the cat. You know a horror movie is scary if it spooks the animals. I can't wait to have kids.

Green License Plates Are A Sign Of The Devil

OK I know I didn't post yesterday. I try to post every day. What can I say. Yesterday I actually had a life. Lisa and I are getting rid of her 98 Caddy Deville. Man what a piece of crap that car turned out to be. Constantly hemoraging antifreeze despite fluorescent and pressure testing that found nothing. I know, if it isn't leaking under the car it's leaving out the tail pipe, that won't be cheap to fix. So many little nagging problems, driving it was death of 1,000 papercuts. Turn signal didn't turn off on its own, antenna stuck up so no more drive through car wash, tubes to washer fluid disintegrated so windows never clean. Just a bunch of issues that killed us. So if you want a $5,700 book value caddy for less give us a call. You won't regret it. Mike, you interested? It's only got 86,000 miles. It's a GM car so you should be able to get another 10,000 miles for about $2,000 in repairs.

I know I'm looking a gift horse in the mouth, her grandfather bought a newer Caddy and gave the old one to us. He let it sit in the driveway for a year before he decided to give it to Lisa. That's how we're getting another car. Last year her grandfather bought a newer Caddy and let his 99 Deville sit in the driveway. Exactly a year to the week he gives up on trying to sell it and gives it to us. So after putting in a new battery we spent the day chasing up the paperwork for insurance and the RMV. The car promptly failed emissions. It turns out that since the battery died the computer had no emissions history and ratted us out to the inspection computer. So we have 60 days to drive it before reinspection. I suspect that the problem is deeper. Last night it stalled three times in Boston city traffic.

I hate American cars.

Also we witnessed a car accident and stopped to help. Some kid from New Hampshire rear ended a girl turning into a gas station. He had just made a right on red and didn't see the girl. Lisa and I were right behind him when he did. We pulled over and offered help. It's a good thing we did. The girl was shaken up and frightened. The boy was trying to talk her into letting him go, just take his license info before the police came. Turns out he was driving on a suspended license, I don't think he had insurance (In NH it's not manditory.) The girl was about to let him go but I told her that the damage on both cars would be more then $500 and in Massachusetts the insurance regulations require a police report. The boy from New Hampshire then told me he just turned 21 and hadn't renewed his license. I said "So why are you driving then?" which totally dumbfounded him. I think if he wasn't already in trouble he would have hit me, he certainly looked like he was about to but stopped. The police came and called for a fire truck which came from the station on the other side of the street. It barely pulled out of the driveway before parking. The police took our statement and sent us on our way. Lisa gave the girl her business card. We don't know what happened to the boy driving without his license. Fucking New Hampshire drivers thinking they don't need insurance or a license. We really need to do something about them. I hate to think about what that girls insurance would have done if she hadn't called the police. An unlicensed out of state driver who tried to talk the girl into not reporting the accident to the police. If we didn't stop him from leaving she would have been screwed.

And the Brazillian mechanics at the gas station? They hid from the police in the back of the shop.

No Surprises Here

The Machiavelli personality test has a range of 0-100
Your Machiavelli score is: 86
You are a high Mach, you endorse Machiavelli's opinions.
Most people fall somewhere in the middle, but there's a significant minority at either extreme.

The Cat Says “Meow”

This is a worldwide exclusive news scoop. The Lions Club International chapter in Beverly Massachusetts voted to disband on Wednesday, April 19, 2006. My source, a member of 50 years tells me that at one time they would meet, over 50 guys each week. Today they bent over and floated belly up. The Lions Club in Beverly is no more. This is no great surprise. All these philanthropic clubs are facing hard times. The real question is why? Why do these clubs close up?

I can speculate with authority because for years now I’ve contemplated following in my maternal grandfathers footsteps and embrace my Freemason, Knights Templar and Shriner heritage. What holds me back may well be the reason why all these other clubs face certain doom. I have never been a rich white man. I'm dirt poor despite the fact that I come from money, I’m white and I’m a male. In fact, I golf, sail and despite all attempts to deny it, I’m middle aged. Why don’t you see me with a fez, riding a go-cart in parades? Fuck man! I love go-carts! I’m not sure why I haven’t joined. I really have no excuse. Well, maybe one excuse.

Last weekend I had a conversation with my dearest female friend, Dede. I’ve owed her father a call for over a year now. He’s a Mason and we’ve discussed things Masonic several times in the past. Dede would love to see me join the Masons. She'd love to join the Masons herself. She’s wanted to join since her grandfather’s funeral when she got a glimpse into the mysterious world her father belongs to. The Masons pay tribute with an elaborate ceremony honoring their departed brother. It’s one of the reasons I’ve always wanted to join. I saw the same thing when my grandfather passed, I've always respected the care they showed my grandmother and thought that some day I could pay it forward. Unfortunately, even though Dede's a legacy, believes in a higher power and wants to join she can’t. She’s a woman.

Ironically, that’s why I haven’t thought of joining sooner. If there were single young female Freemasons I would have joined two decades ago when I was a single (and very horny) young man. I believe in a higher power (so long as that higher power doesn’t have to be the God of Abraham, Jesus and Mohammed). I’m a legacy. I actually enjoy helping locally (just ask anyone who’s needed my pickup truck during a move.) So now that I’m married, middle aged and a pillar of the community, why haven’t I joined? Because it’s hard to join dues paying organizations when you’re desperately trying to come up with rent, utilities, the cable bill and make the interest payments on 3 credit cards. That’s why the Lions Club is circling the bowl and Man to Mason in one day is too little too late. I would have paid a fortune in dues in my 20’s if I thought I could meet girls. Now it’s not fair to my wife to shell out a fortune in dues if it means we can’t fill the gas tank for her morning commute. It’s too bad too. I look good in a fez.

What can they do to get my generation to join? If time is money, then accept my and my peers sincere offers of time in lieu of money. Otherwise it looks like no one in my generation or those that follow will be displaying the apron and acacia at your funeral.

If A Cats Tail Was Prehensile We'd Be Their Pets

Barney got his name before we adopted him so it holds no special significance to us but I can't help thinking about The Simpsons whenever I hear his name.
Barney: Jeez, is that what I look like when I'm drunk?
Homer: You wish. That's the stage we call, "Professor Barney" -- talkative, coherent, even insightful.

I'm such a control freak that I taught Barney a trick. Cats don't really like to do tricks but I got mine to learn how to guess which hand his treat is in.

Editors Note: Rapid Share was neither. Turned out to be a total flop. So back to the old way.

As always, control click to download or if you suffer Windows do that right clicky thing.

It's Just Like In That Stupid Movie Where The Aliens Turned Out To Be Jody Fosters Father

Science Fiction is full of stories about how some alien culture hears our forgotten radio and television signals as they slowly make their way accross the universe at light speed. I Love Lucy signals may just be being picked up by an alien race whose eyes see in the VHF radio band the way we see the spectrum between 400 & 700 nanometers as visible light. We're giving them bizzare hallucinations of interracial marriage that they probably have no chance of comprehending. Still other more advanced alien civilizations may be worshipping Charlie's Angels the way Pacific Islanders started cargo cults after WWII ended and the American GI's went home. So it occurs to me that with much of the intercontinental internet and telephone traffic carried by satellite and thus microwave radio there must be some signal bleed into space. I think that my blog, which we know is read all over the world, may be feeding packets of my choicest musings to far away alien races. Perhaps there's even a SETI@Home project in some red shifting galaxy trying to figure out just what the fuck I'm talking about.

The Wonders Of Modern Living

I hate the deplorable state of modern medicine. More people die from their physicians mistakes then are killed with a handgun each year. Like lawyers, doctors are a necessary evil. Barney had a sudden trip to see Dr Borash this morning and once again I can't get over how quickly he fit us in and how reasonable the cost. The vet, despite having a waiting room full of animals squeezed in another emergency visit for less than what it would cost to fill my truck with 87 octane. The Barney kitty has a touch of conjectivitis and will be taking some drops for the next couple days, nothing to worry about but I'd rather over react early and avoid an expensive treatment later.

So OK, I do enjoy living at a time when health care is more antibiotics and medicine then blood letting at the barbers. Yes, we are healthier today than we've ever been but I think it's more due to plumbing and clean water then any other factor. And also, not killing all the cats because the Pope thinks they're demons. Plague anyone?

Yep Barney and a good plumber. That's all I need to stay healthy. Oh, that and some manditory Health Insurance.

A Joke Only I Get

Big Louie

Mickey The Wire

The Snitch

Lefkowitz

Pliny The Elder

Oinky

Boinky

Inky

Pinky

Blinky

Clide

The Sound Of One Hand Clapping

Right at this moment, Lisa is trying to explain Deal Or No Deal to her 82 year old grandfather. I used to be a neuroscientist and I can't figure that damn show out.

What the hell is wrong with people!

Lisa here again. I should just start my own blog. Dean has me addicted to this.

Anyway, I read an article in The Boston Globe today about a 16 year old girl from Kansas who made a fraudulant 911 call claiming she was abducted at gunpoint and made to get in a white van. She was found 15 hours later, but she was never abducted and she had 30 FBI agents looking for her. What happened is she jogged somewhere and spent time alone and called 911.

So, I pose the question again, What the hell is wrong with people! She needs a boot to the head!

Cheers!

 

Sweetie, somethings got your hackles up today. Remember the power of the blog. Don't abuse it, young padawan. - Dean

Go Vikings!

Well this just makes me proud to be an alumnus. I don't care that they're secretly taping anyone in the offices. This employee really should have chosen an office with a fucking door on it to change clothes in. Salem State has a habit of hiring some real winners in the back office. Mind you, there are some great employees in the registrars office who really do their jobs well and several came to my aid more then once. However they were few, far between and promoted or found better jobs elsewhere while stumbling morons like this one provided nothing but inertia. Salem State rewarded these trolls with the lowest positions which paradoxically supply them with infinite opportunities to fuck up not only themselves but any student that haplessly needs their assistance.

As for privacy in the workplace, I think Ben Franklin said it best when he said "Anyone who pisses in a cup to get a job and then expects to be respected by their employer deserves a swift kick in the ass."

This is magic?

This is Dean's wife Lisa posting to his blog because I do not have my own yet. Anyway, check out this news story about David Blaine and tell me how anyone can consider this magic.

Matt Parker & Trey Stone were onto something when they referred to this so called magician as a douche. (I think it may have been the biggest douche in the universe, but I can't remember the exact wording). Cheers!

Why Are My Eyes Falling Out?

My wife is sick of hearing me bitch about my contact lenses. For close to two decades, I've been a happy user of the AOSept disinfectant system. For several months now no local merchant has been able to stock any CibaVision brand disinfectant solution. A couple weeks ago I ran out completely. Lisa and I searched far and wide for my favorite brand of, as we call it on the shopping list, "Eyeball Fluids". There was no luck or eyeball fluid to be found. I was forced to switch to Bausch & Lomb Renu, just in time to find out it causes eyeball fungus. Now Renu is disappearing from the shelves in rapid order. That's OK with me anyway, it does a crappy job of removing the most irritating gunk. I'll switch back to AOSept as soon as I can, the AOSept system of hydrogen peroxide and nickel or platinum alloy is the best way to deal with eyeball calcium and protein deposits.

Hydrogen peroxide eats up proteins with a vengeance, then it's rendered harmless to your eyes through the following reaction. 2 H2O2 + Pt -> 2 H2O + O2 + Pt It's diabolically simple and so damn effective. If you're ever bored and bleeding let some blood dry on a dish and then pour hydrogen peroxide on it. It's like a tiny version of those crappy vinegar and baking soda volcanoes everyone makes for the middle school science fair.

Lisa has taken it upon herself to contact the manufacturer of AOSept and find out where we can get some. It turns out they're sick of these calls but Lisa did get some back story on what happened. (Forgive the 'telephone game' quality to this post.) CibaVision voluntarily shut down after an inspection by the FDA found manufacturing irregularities. They pulled their product from the shelves and took a few weeks to fix the manufacturing problems. Shortly after the first shipment to their distributor they were hit with another round of just plain bad luck. A tornado in Kansas destroyed the distributors warehouse with the whole shipment inside. A note on their website simply says they are in the process of shipping more product as quickly as possible.

I can't shake the feeling that there's an Ayn Rand quality to this story. Sort of like when John Galt let the power grid fail so that people would realize just how fragile their world is. I take my contact lenses for granted but without solution I'm screwed. When the store shelves ran out of AOSept I switched to Renu only to find out that's not the safest bet either. Since I produce none of the products I consume a bump in the supply chain is really screwing me up. Today it's merely my preferred brand of 'Eyeball Fluids'. Tomorrow it could be food or Ritalin. I hear that the civilian market is having trouble stocking certain calibers of hunting cartridges and rifle sport enthusiasts are sharing my pain.

I know this is a post about my eyeball troubles and I promised a Barney movie the other day but I'm breaking that tradition starting now.

Merry Christmas

In the four months that Barney (the cat eating brains at the top of this) has lived with us we haven't seen him get angry. He's been naughty, curious, bitchy, sick, loving, playful, hungry, annoying, scared, fascinated and naughty*. He's a keen hunter when we hide treats around the house and clearly his mother taught him some mad skills when he was a kitten. But we've never seen him get mad. Today my dad stopped by for a quick visit with his Yellow Lab 'Lady Jane' which he takes everywhere he goes. She's from a puppy mill, not too bright but not mean. She can be trusted off a leash. Dad was here to drop off a cart so I could move some stones in the garden. We sat for a while and left the dog out side. Dad hadn't seen Barney yet, Barney liked him when they met and even did his trick (video of that coming some day soon.) Just before my Dad left we brought the dog inside to see how Barney would react. Barney was fine when the dog walked up the front steps and to the storm door. No sign of fear. Dad and the dog came into the front hall. Barney puffed up, hissed and tried to swipe. His tail was like a balloon that you twist animals out of. I put him in the bathroom quickly to let him calm down. Dad and the dog left. I let Barney out and he stayed puffy until he was satisfied that the dog was gone. So now I know what it sounds like when Barney is pissed off. I never want to hear that sound again.

(* I know I said naughty twice. He can be really naugty. I'm not kidding about the naughty. But then that is his job.)

Also, I really should have added a link that actually went to the windmill story I mentioned. It's now in my best hits.

More Google Goodness and Why I Do This

This started out as a reply to something ricketyfunk said about yesterdays post but I think it should be on the main page for no other reason then the length of the posting means I don't have to come up with a long post for another day.

I don't mind targeted ads the way Google presents them. They're not popups or popunders and they are somewhat relevant to content. They're text only and thus take no time at all when loading. Google just automates too much with poor controls for when a dispute arises. I'm not surprised that other larger websites are unhappy with the service. Unfortunately for Google, AdSense is their number one product. It's the backbone of how Google supposedly justified their obscene IPO valuation. For Google to stumble when they're so close to getting the internet to pay off is unfortunate. Then again, Ford wasn't the first car company or the best. Henry Ford just learned from other car makers mistakes. The same could be said for Microsoft. No one uses CP/M anymore. Maybe being the first to the market place with a new idea isn't always best and Yahoo will figure out a way to make ads pay off fairly for all involved. Maybe Microsoft will.

Again, it's not the money that I mourn it's Google's half assed service combined with the famous Google Algorithm's ability to make or crush a website. I wouldn't care about the handful of pocket change I'm losing out on if I could keep a higher page ranking. Some of what I write here is, in my not so humble opinion, important for others to read. The Cape Cod windmill story really deserves more coverage and my opinion on it is important in that I believe I speak for many in the North of Boston suburbs and our voice really isn't being considered. I don't want people to come looking for just Dean ASC. I want people looking up the Cape Cod windmill controversy to know that there are some folks in Massachusetts that do want to see the windmills. At the very least it's an issue that folks search for and by writing it I hoped it would attract more readers to my site. Readers who will stick around for when I discuss other issues that affect local politics or who may find my life story amusing. That's why I try to keep a balance between stories about my cat and posts of grave social importance.

If I really wanted traffic and feedback I would sit here writing story after story about how wretched George Bush is and how Israel is responsible for 9/11. I'd get linked nationally every day. (A power I have learned not to abuse for the very element it attracts.) I like Kevin's Blog because he has a good balance between politics and current events in the arts. I aspire to be a nice balance between political commentary and a family christmas letter. "Dean took the teachers test and the cat likes to look at geese. Also gold is over $600 an ounce. So with our nation over run with criminal immigrants we should all buy guns."

Google Can Munch On A Bowl Of My Nuts!

Some folks might be wondering what happened to the advertisements on this website. Of the 8 dollars that the site earned Google paid me a grand total of fuck all. They cancelled my AdSense account about a day before they were supposed to issue a check for close to two bucks for the first month’s revenue. I never received a check. I also haven’t received a check for the six dollars for the portion of March my account survived. Fuck them.

It’s too bad, I was planning on using the AdSense revenues not to buy Ritalin but to fund advertising in AdWords and begin to build a readership. I started an AdWords account but didn’t complete payment details. I really wanted the AdSense funds to finance new AdWord driven hits to this site. Nothing fuels my ego more then my Wednesday click counter of about 80 unique hits and 100 total hits. I don’t think I know 90+ people. So at least once a week folks who stumbled into my site for whatever reason return for a dose of my witticisms and criticisms. Welcome. Feel free to say “Hi” or tell me how awesome I am. You can even tell me I’m full of shit. Really any feedback is better then no feedback at all. (Now I know how my high school History and English teachers felt. “Bueller? Bueller?)

So what did happen? I have no fucking clue. Supposedly there was an email explaining it. I never got it. Maybe my spam filter killed it. I found out my account was suspended when I tried to log in after I noticed ads stopped feeding into the site. The only message was that my account no longer exists. I sent three messages begging to find out what happened. I never got a proper response.

After careful skimming of the terms of service there were three points that I admit I was doing. I did have a notice on the site joking about how the ads were paying for my Ritalin. That could have loosely been interpreted as a request for clicks. I was also writing posts that featured high paying AdSense terms. However I felt that they were organic to the flow of editorial content, even when I was dropping them in as a joke. There are far more egregious websites on the net which violate this policy that continue to feed Google AdSense advertisments to this day. Fuck 'em if they can’t take a joke.

The other thing I did which may well be the real reason I was banned was I clicked on the advertisements. Mind you, I didn’t sit here clicking on ads to generate hits. I clicked on the ads because this is my fucking Blog. I have a god damned right to know who is advertising here. I want to know what products are linking to my clever wordsmithing. So if I clicked on an ad it was to check out who I was doing fucking business with.

Oh yeah. I also swear like Tim Roth in a Quentin Tarrentino movie. There's someting vague about profanity in the TOS as well. Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

I never did get a response why I was dropped.
It turns out that I’m not alone in this.

As for Google. About two days after the AdSense account was killed I got this email for my AdWords account. My reply follows.

From: adwords-support@google.com
To: dean
Cc:
Subject: Activating Your Google AdWords Account

Hello,

We noticed that you haven't started running your AdWords ads. You are just minutes away from showing your ads on Google in front of targeted online users. To start receiving qualified leads from Google, all you have to do now is activate your account by following these steps:

1. Log in to your AdWords account at http://services.google.com/marketing/links/us-awalogin using your email address and password.

2. Click on 'My Account,' 'Billing Preferences,' and submit your billing information to activate your account and start advertising with Google.

To learn more about AdWords, please visit AdWords Support at http://services.google.com/marketing/links/us-awasupport or respond to this email directly. We look forward to providing you with the most effective advertising available.

Sincerely,
The Google AdWords Team

And my reply.

I don't think I want to activate an adwords account since Google banned me from adsense without a clear explanation why. I received this email just fine but did not receive the email with the reason for terminating my account. I have requested clarification twice since but have had no success. You're quick to take my money but I find your paying out is another story.

You can go fuck yourselves.

Dean

Anyway, that's not even what bothers me about all of this. When I was feeding Google advertisements my blog would appear at the top of the list when people did a Google search for certain general phrases. Now that I'm no longer partnering with Google, web searches for terms specific to just this site fail to produce a single hit back here. Remember when I said "Cape Cod can munch on a bowl of my nuts"?

Look for Yahoo Pay Per Click sponsorship in the near future.

News - Bad and Good

I got a 68 on the Mass Teachers Chemisry Exam. Not a tremendous surprise that I came within two points but didn't quite make it. Those two points came from my weak essay on Gibbs Free Energy and for having taken both exams in one day, I just got tired toward the end. I'm not upset about this. I knew that I wasn't getting a good feel for what to expect and review for based on the study guide the state provided. I had a hunch that I'd need to see the real exam at least once before I passed. The General Exam was every bit as easy as I expected. I passed that with no problem. So I'll retake chemistry and since it will be the only exam I take that day I'll be much fresher, less drained. That alone will probably make up the two points.

Smoked Pork and Ham

Dean, You Can Be Rich Like Us! (Can != Will.)
Dean, Low Home Mortgages! (Is 'low' the verb in this sentence?)
C1A1i5 Four Yuu!!! (What kind of crazy god would allow '1' to be I and L?)
You Can Increas You're Bust Size, Dean! (I've always wanted man tits, I thought I had to eat more McDonalds to get them.)
Find Out How Much 196 Lafayette St Is Worth! (I haven't lived there in 6 years and we rented.)
Pretty Girls In Your Area! (No shit, that's why I live here.)
$#%^#$%&*%^*(#%^(^%^$%^@$%^@$*@#$%^* (Dev Null Void)
V1^&r@ from canada, (Spelling aside that's not proper punctuation or capitalization.)
Free Ben & Jerry's Gift Card For Santa Maria! (That's not how I spell it.)
I am prince from N1ger1a with business opportunity for you, Send Bank. (The whole building?)
Urgent! Your Account With Sun Trust Bank needs Update. (Nice try. I don't have any bank accounts in the southern states. I certainly don't have one with Sun Trust.)

Since I got kicked off pop.psu.edu and had Dean at ties dot org redirected to Gmail, I don't get any* spam at all anymore. Astonishing since it's an address that's now 11 years old. Spam got so bad I had to filter out anything with my name in it and lost several legitimate emails over the years. Even then I would still have to sift through the new messages that got into my IN BOX. Hundreds of wiley messages still managed to slip past Penn States filtering system and my own set of filters in Eudora. It only took five minutes a day to scan them and junk them manually but that didn't make it any less annoying then if it took an hour. Now I don't know what to do with all my free time, and I'm robbed of that satisfying feeling of sticking it to 'The Man' with every spam that I trashed unopened.

(* OK, it's like two or three a day which is nothing when ratioed with the several hundred that used to get past my filters. The limit of 2 or 3 over X as X approaches infinity is zero.)

God Bless America!

At least the Nazi's had the decency to wait until the Jews were dead.

Assasination

Do you think they might have killed him for saying what they don't want said? BushCo and cronies really can't afford another living Paul Wellstone right now.

Update: I guess not. OH well. If he gets elected to Congress then he and Ted Kennedy will have something to talk about.

How Many Crimes Does It Take?

What the fuck? If I pulled that crap I'd be in jail.

A man with a loaded unregistered pistol rammed his car thrugh a security gate at an Air Force Base. The car was stopped by automatic emergency gates. Despite overwhelming odor of alcohol the driver was not tested for DUI. A powder believed to be cocaine was also found but not tested to identify the compound. I've lost count as to how many laws were broken. The driver was released with no criminal charges filed. The driver was an illegal immigrant.

I guess if you break the one law the federal government doesn't feel like enforcing you're free to break any other law with total impunity.

Ain't That How All Those Hillbillies Went Blind?

There's some good news for Aspartame users. However cancer worries are not its biggest problem. Aspartame when ingested or heated is unstable and one of the breakdown products is methanol, a well known neurotoxin. It doesn'’t have to be ingested either, when exposed to temperatures above 86°F Aspartame will release methanol spontaneously. Methanol when consumed is a dangerous poison. There are even those who believe cargo loads of Diet Coke sitting in the sun during Desert Storm is responsible for Gulf War Syndrome.

Once produced as a byproduct of distillation, today methanol is produced by mixing hydrogen and carbon monoxide in the presence of a catalyst. Methanol is fairly volatile with a boiling point of 64°F; it is a potential inhalation danger in sufficiently high concentrations. Fortunately exposure to pure methanol is very rare. It is commonly mixed into paint thinners or automotive fluids. Mixing with other chemicals significantly raises the boiling point so that it may be handled safely. Pure methanol is not an every day consumer item. That'’s all going to change soon.

Holy Crap! Snow!

I love me some feedback. I'm an absolute whore for it.

Masshole

Devices that flash motorists' speed can actually tempt drivers to speed up, he said.

''We put a speed board on Commonwealth Avenue, and people were seeing how high they could get the numbers," Tinlin said.

This is why I love living in Massachusetts. When I was living in Pennsylvania I kept the Massachusetts plates on the truck as a warning to other drivers. There's polite driving and then there's frustratingly over cautious. I like to think that by Massachusetts standards I'm polite. Drivers in Pennsylvania really piss me off, I hate drivers who don't turn when they see an opposing car a quarter mile away. It's a thousand feet away, go ahead and turn. They'll see you and avoid a collision. They're not going to suddenly teleport into the intersection and T-Bone you. Use the gas peddle and you might even make it through the intersection before the car is 100 yards away.

On the otherhand, we were almost hit last night by another typical Masshole driver who thought I wasn't going to take the right of way at a rotary. Guess who won a game of chicken. And for those keeping track, the driver had the old green plates that they stopped issuing in the 80's. Like the color red in nature is a warning that the bug is poisonous, the old green plates are a warning sign that the driver will have a smug sense of entitlement based on their advancing age and their decades of experience as a Masshole driver. The only thing more dangerous is a car with New Hampshire plates driving through our Commonwealth (oddly enough, also green license plates.)

A Little Wednesday Barney Fun

OK first off, I hate Bausch & Lomb Renu solution. I really miss AOSept. That has nothing to do with Barney. I just have a habit of bitching about my contact lenses when I post a movie about Barney. OK it's not a habit but I am trying to make it a tradition.

Control click for download goodness. Right click if you aren't awesome and have a Macintosh.



A pair of Canadian Geese landed in our yard this morning. Barney was captivated.

Second Place, That's First Runner Up!

Congratulations to Team Chomsky for their first win. Oh and I guess they really aren't songs you know by heart.

A Poll

OK, Hands up. Who here even got my April Fools joke?

Too Much Information

Lisa and I made love with the cat in the room for the first time the other day. I've never seen a more confused looking animal. Barney was absolutely concerned with our activities. He sat on the bedstand watching us. At one point he jumped on top of us and started sniffing Lisa's ear. He jumped back to the bedstand when I said "It's OK Barney, I'm just hurting Mommy." And I thought it would be awkward having an audience.

This Is Too Serious To Ignore

Pop.

So is this.

A Short One So April Fools Stays At The Top

Do you girls know how stupid you look when you pose holding your fingers in a gun shape like Charlie's Angels?

I've Always Wanted To Drink A Star And Now I May Get That Chance!!!

What a week for celestial events. First the eclipse dazzled North Africa. Now there's news of a massive meteorite that hit a Russian satellite and then broke up over New England. Most of it burned up in the upper atmosphere but a basket ball sized chunk of solid ethanol ice was recovered and quickly refridgerated. Scientists speculate that it may have come from a comet formed in a gaseous nebula like this one.

Cosmologists from MIT say that it remains frozen due to an unusually stable crystal lattice. In fact, that lattice energy may give it unusual stability when mixed with liquid alcohol. Like glacial water that freezes under pressure has a different structure then what we put into our watermelon martini on the rocks, this meteorite has molecules that interlock and dramatically raise the melting point of the structure,