My Dream Come True!

A TV show about zombies...

I can't fucking wait! I hope it's on opposite 24. I'm sick of being hooked on that piece of crap.

But I mean Fuck!!! Fuckin zombies!

I'm watching that shit!

I'm The Last Person Who Should Be Chaperoning The Prom

"Some of these dresses cost more then my car is worth." "What kind of car do you drive?" "A Saturn." "Well that's why right there." - Katy, the 8th grade science teacher they talked into chaperoning and myself.

"Don't touch it they're extensions and will come out." - Latania, the other 8th grade teacher they talked into working the prom.

"It doesn't matter, you're not getting laid tonight." - I have no idea who the girl was or what prompted it but I thought it was hilarious.

"You know this is a hotel." - Me to both of the 8th grade science teachers when they lead me by the arm on to the dance floor.

"I can't believe the DJ is throwing Mardi Gras beads to all the girls. You know what teenage girls usually have to do to get free beads?" - Me again to Latania.

"Ignore them, if you catch them doing something we'll have to punish them." - Advice from one of the other teachers to me.

"Mr SEEEEEEEEEEEE!" - About a dozen drunk students to me every time they saw me.

"I think they want us to unload the busses one by one and we're 5th in line so fuck it, it's your prom. Go have fun." Me to my busload of kids after the most uncomfortable ride ever. I'm not kidding, the bus stank of blue toilet water and then one of the electrical panels snapped out of the ceiling and hit a kid on the head half way there.

"Your cardigan sweater and softspoken nature makes every one think you're all prim and proper school teacher but the black eyeshadow leads me to believe that there is a pair of handcuffs somewhere in your bedroom." - Me to Katy, probably crossing a line somewhere.

"In my bedroom? Yes." Katy, who probably should have slapped me.

I can't wait for the senior prom.

A Minor Ray Of Sunshine At Work

They put a lock on my classroom door. Now psychopathic criminals will have to shoot the lock off before they come into class to shoot me. I feel safer already.

What's New?

I got pink slipped today. I'm told it's just a formality and they'd like to ask me back once the budget is approved.

I told them I want letters of recomendation now.

I Think He's Totally Under-rated And Deserves A Second Chance

Dear Jack Bauer,

Hi, I'm a washed up child actor who had tremendous success when I was young and cute but am now totally ignored by the Big Hollywood System. I am of dubious note but even though I'm not one of the many Cory's my mom still has all my issues of Tiger Beat. Unfortunately that's as far as my star has risen. I get no love. No small proof of that is the fact that I wasn't even invited to do the end title song in "Dickie Roberts" and that movie had Leif Garreitt. Crap, that movie even had Adam Rich and he died of a heroin overdose while getting mugged 30 years ago. It's awkward for me every where I go in Hollywood. I feel exactly like Jerry Lewis at the Las Vegas premier for "Oceans 11", the original one, not that crappy remake.

So since you've managed to dust off Chad Lowe, C.Thomas Howell and totally rescue Ricardo Schroder's failing career (calling him "Ricky" in the credits was your idea, wasn't it) could you do the same for me? I bet those guys are getting tons of tail down on The Strip since their special guest cameo's on "24." You really know how to help a brother out as the gangstas say. My career needs a pick-me-up bad and since we worked together I was hoping I could get a boost back up that ladder.

Really it would do me tons of good. I'm tired of hanging around with Phillip Michael Thomis, Garfunkle, that other Corey and Kel Mitchel. I hate the fact that the only pussy I get is either Dawn French or the bald guy from "Tenacious D".

Remember when we did that movie together and I was one of your underlings. I'd be happy to reprise my role or something similar on "24." Fuck, I'd even be happy if you took movies of me getting tortured. I'd even let you do it for real as long as it's not with a hood over my face and you do put my name in the credits.

How about it? Can you save me from having to rob that 7-11 outside Las Vegas just to see my name in the tabloids? Can you save my career? I can guarantee both members of my fan club will tune in and give your show all kinds of mad boosts in the ratings. Seriously consider me for even 20 seconds out of Jack Bauers day. Since Keanu won't return any of my calls... I really need this.

Sincerely,

Alex Winter

Look At That

Another place where guns aren't allowed and the government has a heavily armed presence and the police still failed to protect innocent civilians.

And again, why April?

A Question

How many near misses will it take before this girl learns to stop relying on luck and a police force that waits outside until they're sure it's safe to go in before she takes ownership of her own defense?

And why does this shit always happen in April?

Nowhere To Run To, Nowhere To Hide

So after the police presence on the Virginia Tech campus went through the roof the police were still helpless to prevent a second attack. What the fuck do the police protect us from?

Wouldn't it have been better to allow students to carry weapons to protect themselves rather then wait for the police to arrive on campus and save the day? What do you mean they were already there? Then why didn't they save the other 30 lives?

For crying out loud. The gunman only killed 2 people in the dorm that morning. Then two fucking hours later when an army of police officers were on the scene the guy kills 30 more. Where were theses 30 other people? Locked in their labs? In a big open cafeteria? No they were in a classroom. Sitting like ducks with no way to defend themselves. In a gun free zone.

There are two things in the back of every teachers mind. Two possibilities that we're always dreading. One is having a student who accuses us of sexual assault which even if it is proven untrue will still end our career. The other is getting shot.

I teach in a room with no door knob. It broke a month ago and the physical plant is in no hurry to fix it. My classroom connects without a locking door to two other classrooms. That's 60-70 kids sitting like ducks if we go into lockdown again.

If I had the chance, I'd be willing to carry a weapon. I'd have no problem returning fire. It beats dieing with my hands in front of my face cowering behind a desk.

Regrets, I've Had A Few

When I was in my late teens I had a chance to see Don Ho when my dad and I went to Hawaii. I thought it was too much of a cliche'. Thing is, I like Don Ho. I actually own some of his CD's. I even watched his show when I was a kid. I was just at that age where I was too cool to do anything. About 10 years ago I really started to wish I had seen Don Ho when I had the chance. He would have been in his 50's at the time, still working in the big room with the big orchestra. I missed my chance.

The Daily Show

What I said yesterday. But get a load of the multimedia link. Some C list commedienne telling off Lending Tree. This from a media organization that is largely responsible for encouraging a real estate bubble in the first place.

Alright 2 More

This first is just some quick bad news.

The second speaks volumes about a fraud. At first read it seems like the scam was taking advantage of some poof dumbfuck savages for every buck they had. Really it was a massive fraud against the American people. One that's so subtle, few people are going to put 2 & 2 together. The mortgage houses all gave out free money like candy and then immediately pooled all those bad loans into mortgage backed securities, slapped them with a Ginnie Mae guarantee that the government will make good on bad mortgages and sold them to everyone who needed to park the money they pulled out of the stock market before the last bear woke up. It's not just some poor wetbacks that are getting scammed for everything they have, it's any poor dumbfuck who pays taxes too.

In the end letting the Fed run the central bank for the benefit of bankers hasn't done you or me any favors. The upside to all this is that the money we're going to use to pay back the good faith and credit of these loans with is going to come back to us cheaply. I love that last linky. The Boston Globe is telling us that Stagflation is coming so we should save our cash. If Stagflation is coming we're far better off maxing out our credit cards now and buying gold or forclosure homes or maybe even go portfolio heavy into canned goods and shotguns.

About Yesterdays Post

I can't wait for "Fight Club 2: On The Road To Santa Fe".

A film about zombies attacking all of England lends itself to telling thousands of stories. I've always wanted to see what happened to the cops that were taking a boat up the river in the original "Dawn of the Dead". You remember the the ones looking for cigarettes. In the European release of the DotD that was one of the scenes that ran longer. You got to see what was going on and why the radio operator was dead. I wonder if the other cops ever got to "the islands... any island." They kind of settle what could possibly go wrong on an island at the end of the remake but still, I wonder what happened to the cops.

"Trainspotting 2" just seems like it's going to be watch Renton sell out, settle down to a life of cars, toasters, big screen televisions and "mind numbing spirit crushing game shows" and becoming an embarrasment to the brats he's spawned to replace himself.

And it's Robert Carlyle, the guy who played Begbe that's in "28 Weeks Later". He was the guy in "The Full Monty" and that James Bond movie, the one I don't have... "The World Is Not Enough." He was also in "Formula 51" but I'm the only person I know who's seen that movie. Even the guys I went to see that movie with don't remember seeing it.

This Is The Worse News I've Had All Year

Some movies just shouldn't get a sequel! What the hell. Why can't there just be a good movie that stand's alone, on it's own. Why do we need a fucking franchise visciously hoovering all the money out of our pockets. I mean it's complete and total SHITE. It's not like movies today don't have better directions to go in. Why are they making a sequel to a movie that didn't even make twenty million dollars at the box office? Maybe because it only cost 3.5 mil to make and any movie that makes more then 4 times budget gets a banker hot for more. So it will probably get a budget of 40 mil and make 35 mil opening weekend and then 80 overall.

An funny little note, the two posts this week have been about movies starring the same actor.

OK fixed a typo in the link.

Irony

So things that give me the jittery shakes can protect me from getting "the shakes."

The Best News I've Had All Year

This

I Miss Napster

I'm listening to old singles I hastilly shoved onto my iPod. Biz Markey's "Just A Friend" comes on. You know the one with the horrible singing and the "You got what I need." There's one line where he vets his potential mate by inviting her to sit with him at the autograph table after the show. He does this to ostensably see if she's, and I quote him here, "100 proof." Now I've probably heard this song a couple hundred times over the years and it hits me. The reason why he's having so much trouble with this girl is that she's only 50%. Now I don't know what her other half is but if she's 100 proof she's not all there.

That's the problem with him is that either his standards are not very high, he doesn't understand units and their importance when taking measurements or he specifically wants a girl who's not all there. The latter insuring that his life is full of drama and women who are crazy but not in the good way.

And speaking of fucked up. That link is from his website. Click on his link to his video for his song and see what you get from YouTube. How the fuck can YouTube claim that the post violates terms of use when the author doesn't seem to mind that it's online and even uses the link for self promotion. At this point in Biz's career he can only benefit from the possibility that some Gen Xer remembers him fondly and maybe swells with nostalgia enough to buy his music, see his show or in the off chance that it's someone corporate who decides to buy the song to use in a burger commercial. Maybe it'll be heard by someone who remembers MTV and when they played it 5 times a day. Maybe it was playing at the 8th grade dance when he got his first kiss. Maybe that kid has some bucks now and can afford the $29.50 + busfare it would take to get him to play the song at his 30th birthday party.

I'd buy Tylenol if the commercial showed someone trying to open a bottle while he sings "You got what I need" to the bottle. Come to think of it that lyric works for so many products. Biz could probably use the money so Madison Avenue help a brother out.

Everytime I hear this I want to buy a Toyota Rav4 and I really want to go on a cruise so I can kick heroin. Dig around the first link and you can find an audio clip for the song YouTube doesn't want you to hear.

By the way Iggy Pop rocked! The Orpheum is rapidly becoming my least favorite place to see a show. I like the Aganis Arena if you're not too far from the show. Maybe I'll rent it out for my 40th birthday party and hire Biz to valet park my friends cars. Now I'm just being mean.

I Predict

Boston has another marketing bomb scare. This time the outfit being advertised isn't owning up to causing a ruckus to drum up business.

How will Taxachusetts handle this kind of thing? Well they'll probably pass a law that will end up severely curtailing free speach. It will probably also be totally unenforcable. It could even go so far as to require any company who's marketing products cause a bomb scare to pay no questions asked for cleanup.

So if I own a business and I want to crush my competition I could print up a few suspicious looking items with their logo and watch Mayor Mumbles over react. I see a whole new avenue for organized crime opening up here.

So remember I called it first.

Live Free Or Diet

I'm listening to 60 Minutes and there's a story about the Nanny State and some muckraker guy trying to protect us from the tyranny of chicken little telling us how to live. They interview some health lobby shill who complains that 40,000 people a year die of heart disease.

The fuckhead doesn't get it. 40,000 people a year are going to die of something. Ban trans fat and they live a bland life a little while longer and pay more money for food doing it. Give them their burgers until their hearts pop. They're going to die no matter what you do. You just want to tell us all how to live because you make a good living telling the government that you know how we should live.

You know what I miss. Denny's Beer Barrel Pub. Mike, feel like going? (scroll down on that link, it's worth a look)

Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things

Bob Clark the director you would know from "Porky's" but I celebrate as the second greatest zombie film filmmaker ever has passed away in a car crash.

I saw CSPWDT on a TV my dad brought up to Gunstock Maine one chilly summer night just after my parents got divorced. We went camping and I fucking hate camping but I love my dad so I go camping with him. He brought a crappy little TV and plugged it in at the camp ground. Some crappy little UHF channel was running it on their Friday night movie slot and they were so crappy and little they ran the reels in the wrong order. I had no idea what the fuck was going on but I couldn't take my eyes off it.

There's rumors of a remake of Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things. He was attached to the project so it probably wouldn't have sucked.

I For One Welcome Our European Bikini Bottom At The Beach Wearing Overlords

In the continuing war between the dollar and the Euro it seems like the Euro is going to win.

Actually It's Aluminium Foil

What's the hurry? Is there something scheduled for three days that you know about and I haven't figured out?

Why don't you just fucking telegraph your every move. I don't think the retarded deaf mute in the back row didn't see you put the gun on the table in the first act. Intermission was a while ago so we must be in the third act by now.

End Game

This is horseshit The dollar is collapsing because China is willing to purchase oil from Iran in Euros. Nice job planting disinformation in a foreign alternative media source though. It's good to see that the spooks in Virginia are catching on to how this internet thingy works.

I expect to be at war with Iran by the end of this week. Especially since we have a rare 3 day weekend starting on a thursday night. Nobody pays attention to the news on a weekend.

So there will be some sort of attack against christianity during Easter easily blamed on moslems. We've been so conditioned to think "dirty bomb" or chemical attack that whatever hits will scare the crap out of us.

Where are we going to escape to? There will be nowhere to run.

Canada is tightening their border with the US starting this weekend.

Maybe that's why the Bush family is moving to South America.

I Can't Believe He Won

About 6 months ago I entered a contest with Rockstar video games to design the character for the new GTA:Vice City Stories. It's the sequel to GTA:Liberty City Stories. I won the contest. They picked Barney to be the new lead character and just sent me the polygon animation set that will be in the game. They picked a cat because they're trying to be more kid friendly to soften their image. So in the game a cat is going to roam the alleyways and streets trying to find the vet that neutered him. Along the way he takes control of a catnip distribution ring and eventually runs all of Vice City after undergoing a brain transplant with CJ from GTA:San Andreas. It sounds cheesy but I am so stoked for this. Barney's gonna be famous.